There is no man just the moon
People sit and wonder about Life, Love, and the Future. I sit and wonder about what will happen next. Sometimes people talk about true love and true happiness. Dwelling on what they might think will happen. I have loved and been in love. I am 20 years old have had three loves of my life. But is that all? Is that all i can ask for? I loved Jonathan with all my heart and soul. But is that enough? What about true love? Was that my love of my life? Were they all? Was that what people talk about? The true loves of a woman's life. Did I already have mine? Is that all I can hope for? No, and if so I surely need to die. Because even though I loved Jonathan and would have married him and been content there still was an emptiness with in me. But is contentment the same as happiness? I would have been content but would that have been enough? Could I have lived with that emptiness in me, never knowing why I had it? Was he my true love? Jonathan at one time was my world, my sunset and sunrise. My heart smiled when I saw him and it mourned when we were apart. Those feelings I once had for him are no longer here. My heart does not cry for his return and my body does not ache for his touch. The pain that he caused runs deep with in my being and has not healed yet. I love Jonathan and possibly always will but I am no longer in love with him. It is possible that in the future when we finally go our seperate ways I may run into him, with his wife and children. How will I react? I do not know, that is bridge that I will have to cross when I come to it. But I do know that the road I take now that heads into the unknown is with out him by myside. At one time I loved a man who I thought would always be my my side now I see that was just a dream. I have loved since Jonathan. Not as great but still loved nonetheless. I did not love Richard, however I did care for him greatly. I loved another man after Richard. Richard was and will always be my friend, but I can not see anything else growing from the relationship. We are similiar in many ways but our small differences will keep me from loving him the way any one should be loved. I have loved since then. I was not in love with this man because I have not known him for long but I did love him. I loved Joshua and I care deeply for him. The way I felt around Josh I hadnt felt since I was with Jonathan. The feeling was refreshing and was like being reborn all over again. It was a incredible feeling that I am glad I experienced even for the short time I did. When we broke up my world crumbled once again, not just because Josh broke up with me but because everything that I was trying to hide since my split with Jonathan to that very moment came down on me. I felt I was sufficating. I couldnt catch my breath and couldnt stop the tears. I was falling into a depression that would have be nearly impossible for me to have gotten out of . But thanks to my friends, and forcing myself to face my demons I am here. I am dealing with it. Josh broke up with me because he has demons/problems/unsettled business that he said he has to deal with; his ex. My friends told me this was bullshit and at first I agreed. But is it really? No, its not. I realized that Josh did exactly what I did to Richard. Karma came back to teach me something and help me out. This is when my healing process began truly. It hit me that Josh couldnt love me because he is still truly in love with his ex. When he told me this, of course I was upset, I was for some time; until reason came to me. I broke up with Richard because I still had feelings for Jonathan. I had to let Jonathan go before I could move on and I did. I found Josh. But Josh has his own problems. He is in love with another girl. And he cant love me. He might say he did but he truly cant love me or any one else until he lets go of her. He needs to let go or go back; not for me ,and not for any future girl that comes into his life. But for himself. If he doesnt make a choice he will be holding onto something that might never be his or holding on to something that will eventually wear him down. Holding on to something that he will never truly know is real until he lets go or tries to go back. He talks about every one having a true love. If his ex is his true love then he needs to get her back for he can be happy. I just want happiness for him. I loved Josh but was not in love with him. People use that word easily. I do not. I know what the word means. I do not use it lightly. I love my friends, I love my dogs, but I am not in love with either. I loved Josh but I never fell in love with him. I know the difference between being in love and loving some one. I know the difference between liking greatly and love. I loved Josh but I do not any more. I cannot love some one who cannot love me back. I might not believe I deserve any one or am worthy of anyone. But i know that I atleast deserve to be completely loved if that day does arrive, not half heartly. I care deeply for Josh now, Always will. But he can not love me and love her. I do not say this because I want to force him to make a decision, because the decision was already made when he told me we couldnt be together because he still loved her. The answer was there..i didnt see it. I didnt see it until Karma showed me the way. So now I wait, watch and wonder about what will come next. I can not help but think of Sandra Bullocks quote from Practical magic when I think about love. This is what is says: "Sometimes I feel like there's a hole inside of me, an emptiness that at times seems to burn. I think if you lifted my heart to your ear, you could probably hear the ocean. The moon tonight, there's a circle around it. Sign of trouble not far behind. I have this dream of being whole. Of not going to sleep each night, wanting. But still sometimes, when the wind is warm or the crickets sing... I dream of a love that even time will lie down and be still for. I just want someone to love me. I want to be seen. I don't know. Maybe I had my happiness. I don't want to believe it but, there is no man, Gilly. Only that moon. " Practical Magic
I have not truly looked at the moon in a while, but I know it is there. I know that the sun will be up when I finally rise for the day, I know that the air will be crisp of winter air and I know that the world will not stop just because I want it to. I know that there are people who are happy, I know that in the spring birds will sing, flowers will bloom and my birthday will come. I have many doubt about many things, I am a skeptic and I know this. I question every thing and always will. I know my heart will once again heal and I will no longer feel this ache. But I do not know when. I am not sure if you can hear the ocean if you lay your head against my chest, just my heart beat. I do not know if there is such a love that time will lay down and be still for. But I do know that If it does exist then there is no reason why shouldnt happen for me? There may not be a man but there sure is the moon. ♥