changes. willing or wilful?
I actually went to the gym today.. haven't done my all time best but its a start. I rode 16 miles and worked on the weights. few hours passed and I felt good. achey but good.
I have my job interview tomorrow and I am shitting myself. I want this a lot. and I am bound to mess it up on an epic scale.
I just feel like everything is a mess... and tbh it is. the house isn't perfectly clean like how I would personally have it given a choice. but hey its lived in... and people can't have the same opinions as me when it comes to cleaning... at least thats what I am telling myself.
life is just weird. I don't know ... I cannot explain it. I feel blaaaahh. everything is so uncertain and unspecific and that kills me. I am a person who has order and plans and sticks to them and knows exactly whats going on and plans. plans plans. but it feels like nothing is planned and if it is its still all so uncertain. is this what life is? full of uncertainty and confusion?
I just keep telling myself once I get a job one which I like and want to do and one with prospects and once I loose all this weight and I clean clean clean that everything will be ok and make sense. as right now it really doesn't. nothing does.
my head is messy and things are floating around it with no purpose or structure.. like wtf I live for routine and structure and I pretty much melt without it. I don't actually know how I am coping with being this free spirit and ka Sara sara attitude ... yes I may have free spirit tattooed on my wrist but it doesn't mean I live by it... like I said I like structure and plans
Lisa said hey we can just be spontaneous and I was like yes of course as long as its properly planned.... apparently thats not how being spontaneous works...
am I fucked up for not being like her? how can she live like that.. one in a mess and two not knowing anything for sure..
I like facts and figures and I like reasons for whats going on.
I just need to work out what to do and when to do these things... what things I am not certain on but I am hoping by Tuesday night I will have some more idea.
everything is on edge. things now matter and I am totally alone so I can't mess up this time as I have nothing and no one to help.
how do grown ups do it.. this crazy thing called life and living it.... how can I be a grown up.... too late I am already a grown up I am just a shit one and a pathetic one who has no clue on what the hell I am doing.. or even what I am meant to do.
at all
I hate chaos and now I live in it. I have become it.
oh crap.
I wish Lisa never needed my help and never needed me to leave regent to move in with her.... I wish she never asked me and I wish I didn't have to want to help her all the time... when will I just learn to say no..
apparently I have a lot to learn.
starving will make it better..
being thin
being perfect
being clean
having a job
being so thin
all of the above will make this all better ..
I'm sure of it.
I really should try to get some sort of sleep... but all I can think about is food and how hungry I apparently am.
I need to distract myself away from bad bad bad food. I am fat enough I have gained enough. enough is enough.. I need to get back to where I was and then lower than that. I am sick of being this huge... I look so disgusting I hate it. but still I seem to eat eat eat. urg. its gross.
what the fuck happened to all my control. like where did it go and where can I go to find it again.
*the cat has joined me on my desk and seems to want to type too!*
things can't be packed into neat boxes and be all simple. life isn't simple. I get that.. I just don't like it. I have to learn to adapt. erg I hate adapting.
ill fix this... I always do... someway somehow I will make this better.. I have to.. I don't really have a choice.
ok this entry is a lot of rambling and I do see that. but maybe that shows how rambled my mind is right now. if this makes no sense to a computer or an online journal how the hell is it meant to Make sense in my brain.
all I know to be true right now is:
I am lazy
I am fat.. obese
I am ugly
I have no job
I have no one
I am alone
I have a weird cat
and I changed my whole life to help Lisa and it wasn't worth it. at all.
I am pathetic
im scared
oh well such is life.
what goes down must come up right? I fucking hope so.
I cant take much more of this.
but I have no choice so I am going to have to.
I never had much choice or say in what happens and this is just the same.
at least I aint getting hurt 24/7
oh god I actually wish I wasn't alive right now. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I would just go to sleep tonight and not wake up.
one can wish right.
please?
myla.
I have my job interview tomorrow and I am shitting myself. I want this a lot. and I am bound to mess it up on an epic scale.
I just feel like everything is a mess... and tbh it is. the house isn't perfectly clean like how I would personally have it given a choice. but hey its lived in... and people can't have the same opinions as me when it comes to cleaning... at least thats what I am telling myself.
life is just weird. I don't know ... I cannot explain it. I feel blaaaahh. everything is so uncertain and unspecific and that kills me. I am a person who has order and plans and sticks to them and knows exactly whats going on and plans. plans plans. but it feels like nothing is planned and if it is its still all so uncertain. is this what life is? full of uncertainty and confusion?
I just keep telling myself once I get a job one which I like and want to do and one with prospects and once I loose all this weight and I clean clean clean that everything will be ok and make sense. as right now it really doesn't. nothing does.
my head is messy and things are floating around it with no purpose or structure.. like wtf I live for routine and structure and I pretty much melt without it. I don't actually know how I am coping with being this free spirit and ka Sara sara attitude ... yes I may have free spirit tattooed on my wrist but it doesn't mean I live by it... like I said I like structure and plans
Lisa said hey we can just be spontaneous and I was like yes of course as long as its properly planned.... apparently thats not how being spontaneous works...
am I fucked up for not being like her? how can she live like that.. one in a mess and two not knowing anything for sure..
I like facts and figures and I like reasons for whats going on.
I just need to work out what to do and when to do these things... what things I am not certain on but I am hoping by Tuesday night I will have some more idea.
everything is on edge. things now matter and I am totally alone so I can't mess up this time as I have nothing and no one to help.
how do grown ups do it.. this crazy thing called life and living it.... how can I be a grown up.... too late I am already a grown up I am just a shit one and a pathetic one who has no clue on what the hell I am doing.. or even what I am meant to do.
at all
I hate chaos and now I live in it. I have become it.
oh crap.
I wish Lisa never needed my help and never needed me to leave regent to move in with her.... I wish she never asked me and I wish I didn't have to want to help her all the time... when will I just learn to say no..
apparently I have a lot to learn.
starving will make it better..
being thin
being perfect
being clean
having a job
being so thin
all of the above will make this all better ..
I'm sure of it.
I really should try to get some sort of sleep... but all I can think about is food and how hungry I apparently am.
I need to distract myself away from bad bad bad food. I am fat enough I have gained enough. enough is enough.. I need to get back to where I was and then lower than that. I am sick of being this huge... I look so disgusting I hate it. but still I seem to eat eat eat. urg. its gross.
what the fuck happened to all my control. like where did it go and where can I go to find it again.
*the cat has joined me on my desk and seems to want to type too!*
things can't be packed into neat boxes and be all simple. life isn't simple. I get that.. I just don't like it. I have to learn to adapt. erg I hate adapting.
ill fix this... I always do... someway somehow I will make this better.. I have to.. I don't really have a choice.
ok this entry is a lot of rambling and I do see that. but maybe that shows how rambled my mind is right now. if this makes no sense to a computer or an online journal how the hell is it meant to Make sense in my brain.
all I know to be true right now is:
I am lazy
I am fat.. obese
I am ugly
I have no job
I have no one
I am alone
I have a weird cat
and I changed my whole life to help Lisa and it wasn't worth it. at all.
I am pathetic
im scared
oh well such is life.
what goes down must come up right? I fucking hope so.
I cant take much more of this.
but I have no choice so I am going to have to.
I never had much choice or say in what happens and this is just the same.
at least I aint getting hurt 24/7
oh god I actually wish I wasn't alive right now. I wish I didn't exist. I wish I would just go to sleep tonight and not wake up.
one can wish right.
please?
myla.