Oh Mr. Pitiful, who let you down?

[dancing_queen85]

I took this ridiculous class once when I was at the collegiate high school. I can't even remember who the teacher was. One of those overly sweet but secretly evil ladies I believe. She had us begin class sometimes with free writing. No thinking, just writing. Maybe because so many of the kids at that school were so brilliant she just assumed something great would fall on their paper. Or maybe because one of my classmates once sent out and email saying "I want to die and take you all with me" and they were curious as to what kind of craziness he would say. Either way I was always stumped. That whole "find the brilliance out of the first thing that comes to their mind" thing didn't work for me. In fact it still doesn't. This was me free writing. It ends up just being jabber. I was never the smartest kid in school. In fact I was probably the dumbest one at that school... probably the real reason why my parents transfered me to a different school.
So yeah, I've never been the smartest kid.I knew I couldn't be the funniest girl either, that was apparent from the start. So for a little while I went conceded and determined that if I wasn't the smartest girl in school, i'd certainly do my best to be the prettiest. Well, that didn't happen. Not to mention it's too much work. So i'm kind of trying to catch make up for the years I didn't care too much about my grades. Now I want to be a smart girl. I will only have young skin for so long, I can't just be pretty.
The whole not knowing what the future holds thing scares the crap out of me. I hate not knowing. I hate not having a plan. I'm floundering, waiting on acceptance letters, scholarship applications, prayer. And i'm still clueless as to what next year at this time will look like, that kills me