Mothers and daughters
This morning has frustrated me, and I figure it is better to write about it here, than writing a letter to the person who hurt me, and say something that I may regret later.
I got up this morning around 7:20 or so. Now, allow me to state upfront that I am one of the biggest pains in the ass to wake up in the morning. This has been a damn near daily occurance since I moved home with my parents, that Hunter will be up and in their care, and they have to fight to wake me up. Part of it is my insomnia, which keeps me up until almost 3 or 4 in the morning on some nights, and then they are getting me up at 7. They come home too late at night most nights for me to take a sleeping pill, cause I'm not an idiot... if I don't have someone else here, and it's just me and Hunter, I'm not going to take anything. Petriod. Move on. Unless they are here, no way, Jose.
So, I get up, and I'm working really hard on waking up. I hear my mom in the kitchen, and she isn't makeing breakfast, which I have learned means one of two things-- she is making a martyr of herself when Grandpa is out of town, taking her mom to lunch, and sounding happy on the phone to Grandma, but then making it sound like a chore when talking to me about it (Can I just point out that her relationship with her mother is supposed to be an example for my relationship with her.....is that really how she wants me to see her in twenty years?), or she is pissed at me for something, and doesn't want to be in the house. So, this morning, I guess she was pissed at me, cause she got all her stuff, gave kisses to Hunter, said I love you to him, he said it back. I said "Bye, mom, I love you" not sure of what I did, but she's leaving the house.... I'm not the type of person to let people off the phone or out of the house without saying it, because you never know what will happen in a day. She stares at me, with this look of contempt, or hate, or something, then slams the door. Nothing. Now, I have been pissed at her before and not said I love you. Not that I am proud of it... I would tell my dad good night, I love you, and only tell her goodnight. There were other things going on at the time, and I was FIFTEEN years old. Not almost fifty with plenty of experience in the hurt department.... I sort of knew what I was doing, but now as a mom, I understand that it hurt her. When I moved in after leaving Scott, she and I talked about that, and I sppologized. Today, she walks out the door and not only ignores the "I love you" but the look on her face was like I had thrown acid at her, and she still had to be nice because Hunter was sitting there, otherwise, I would have gotten... I don't know what.
Now, a little side note to all this. I mentioned at the teacher's meeting last night that June 1st would be my last day at the church- as a teacher, in attendence, at all. I want to move on, and I told them all that I have an opportunity to go back to school, in Ocala, to finish my degree, get a good job, and start a new life for me and Hunter. She got that look (anyone who knows her will know what I mean) where she looks hurt and sad all at the same time, like she's been defeated. I know she doesn't want me to go to Ocala... she's gotten used to having her grandson living in the same house as her, and she doesn't want me to go that far. I think she thought that all the talk about Ocala, the information that I've been talking about with her and dad- rent, leasing versus owning a mobile home, mobile home versus appartment- I don't know what she thought about it. If it was a game for me, a way for me to hurt her, which if that was her thoughts on it, then she didn't hear a damn word I've said to her over the last year. I don't know what, but I think she thought it wasn't really going to happen. Well, my divorce should be done soon (very soon), and I want to be in Ocala, for sure, by the end of June. That gives me time to get settled, get a job, get Hunter acclamated to day care, get registered for school, unpack, all of it.
So, I don't know if this morning is related to last night. I'm sure it is. I called dad at work, and asked him as soon as she walked out the door. He said that the only thing he can think of is the coffee pot (I guess she said something to him that it wasn't cleaned out-- I'm not the one that make a whole pot in the morning, and I don't drink it either- if I don't hacve anything to do with the production, and she cleans it 99% of the time, why would I think to look?), and that I should mention to her that the box we got was from Tom and Isis, cause "she thought someone had ordered something....". Okay, point one, I told her last night and this morning "hey that box there, on the table (the only THING on the table, let alone box) is from Tom and Isis, and I think you'll really like what you got". So, that was taken care of before the whole "I love you thing". Second, she would refuse to answer "I love you" and give me that look of contempt because I didn't clean out a coffee pot that I don't use? What?!? I didn't tell dad about the "I love you" thing, just that she seemed really pissed off this morning, and I was wondering if her knew why. At this point, I feel like it's just one more reason I should go... I know that I have been a financial burden to them for the last year.... I haven't earned shit with Mary Kay, no matter how hard I bust my ass, and getting a job seems a little stupid when all the money I would earn would be going to put Hunter in day care so that I can work, and be bringing home maybe $50 a week, if I'm lucky. Well, I can bust my ass at Mary Kay and make that little of an amount. Besides, I'm moving soon. What's the point of getting a job here, now, if I would have to quit in a month. Yes, I know it has been a financial strain to them, but they still get to go out to dinner, movies, be on committees that they feel drawn to-- what do I do? Stay at home, and clean, so that there is one less thing to bitch at me about. Even then, I still miss something. She's sure to point that out every day. Not outright mind you, under her breath, muttering, so that if I wasn't the one in the living room, and her in the kitchen, she would probably be committed for so much muttering and swearing under her breath, and throwing Tupperware into the sink like she's a four year old. Damn, I gotte get out of here. Hunter and I are going to the park to walk, and play, and forget about all this shit. Well, he'll play.... I work on forgetting.... or forgiving, for starters.
I got up this morning around 7:20 or so. Now, allow me to state upfront that I am one of the biggest pains in the ass to wake up in the morning. This has been a damn near daily occurance since I moved home with my parents, that Hunter will be up and in their care, and they have to fight to wake me up. Part of it is my insomnia, which keeps me up until almost 3 or 4 in the morning on some nights, and then they are getting me up at 7. They come home too late at night most nights for me to take a sleeping pill, cause I'm not an idiot... if I don't have someone else here, and it's just me and Hunter, I'm not going to take anything. Petriod. Move on. Unless they are here, no way, Jose.
So, I get up, and I'm working really hard on waking up. I hear my mom in the kitchen, and she isn't makeing breakfast, which I have learned means one of two things-- she is making a martyr of herself when Grandpa is out of town, taking her mom to lunch, and sounding happy on the phone to Grandma, but then making it sound like a chore when talking to me about it (Can I just point out that her relationship with her mother is supposed to be an example for my relationship with her.....is that really how she wants me to see her in twenty years?), or she is pissed at me for something, and doesn't want to be in the house. So, this morning, I guess she was pissed at me, cause she got all her stuff, gave kisses to Hunter, said I love you to him, he said it back. I said "Bye, mom, I love you" not sure of what I did, but she's leaving the house.... I'm not the type of person to let people off the phone or out of the house without saying it, because you never know what will happen in a day. She stares at me, with this look of contempt, or hate, or something, then slams the door. Nothing. Now, I have been pissed at her before and not said I love you. Not that I am proud of it... I would tell my dad good night, I love you, and only tell her goodnight. There were other things going on at the time, and I was FIFTEEN years old. Not almost fifty with plenty of experience in the hurt department.... I sort of knew what I was doing, but now as a mom, I understand that it hurt her. When I moved in after leaving Scott, she and I talked about that, and I sppologized. Today, she walks out the door and not only ignores the "I love you" but the look on her face was like I had thrown acid at her, and she still had to be nice because Hunter was sitting there, otherwise, I would have gotten... I don't know what.
Now, a little side note to all this. I mentioned at the teacher's meeting last night that June 1st would be my last day at the church- as a teacher, in attendence, at all. I want to move on, and I told them all that I have an opportunity to go back to school, in Ocala, to finish my degree, get a good job, and start a new life for me and Hunter. She got that look (anyone who knows her will know what I mean) where she looks hurt and sad all at the same time, like she's been defeated. I know she doesn't want me to go to Ocala... she's gotten used to having her grandson living in the same house as her, and she doesn't want me to go that far. I think she thought that all the talk about Ocala, the information that I've been talking about with her and dad- rent, leasing versus owning a mobile home, mobile home versus appartment- I don't know what she thought about it. If it was a game for me, a way for me to hurt her, which if that was her thoughts on it, then she didn't hear a damn word I've said to her over the last year. I don't know what, but I think she thought it wasn't really going to happen. Well, my divorce should be done soon (very soon), and I want to be in Ocala, for sure, by the end of June. That gives me time to get settled, get a job, get Hunter acclamated to day care, get registered for school, unpack, all of it.
So, I don't know if this morning is related to last night. I'm sure it is. I called dad at work, and asked him as soon as she walked out the door. He said that the only thing he can think of is the coffee pot (I guess she said something to him that it wasn't cleaned out-- I'm not the one that make a whole pot in the morning, and I don't drink it either- if I don't hacve anything to do with the production, and she cleans it 99% of the time, why would I think to look?), and that I should mention to her that the box we got was from Tom and Isis, cause "she thought someone had ordered something....". Okay, point one, I told her last night and this morning "hey that box there, on the table (the only THING on the table, let alone box) is from Tom and Isis, and I think you'll really like what you got". So, that was taken care of before the whole "I love you thing". Second, she would refuse to answer "I love you" and give me that look of contempt because I didn't clean out a coffee pot that I don't use? What?!? I didn't tell dad about the "I love you" thing, just that she seemed really pissed off this morning, and I was wondering if her knew why. At this point, I feel like it's just one more reason I should go... I know that I have been a financial burden to them for the last year.... I haven't earned shit with Mary Kay, no matter how hard I bust my ass, and getting a job seems a little stupid when all the money I would earn would be going to put Hunter in day care so that I can work, and be bringing home maybe $50 a week, if I'm lucky. Well, I can bust my ass at Mary Kay and make that little of an amount. Besides, I'm moving soon. What's the point of getting a job here, now, if I would have to quit in a month. Yes, I know it has been a financial strain to them, but they still get to go out to dinner, movies, be on committees that they feel drawn to-- what do I do? Stay at home, and clean, so that there is one less thing to bitch at me about. Even then, I still miss something. She's sure to point that out every day. Not outright mind you, under her breath, muttering, so that if I wasn't the one in the living room, and her in the kitchen, she would probably be committed for so much muttering and swearing under her breath, and throwing Tupperware into the sink like she's a four year old. Damn, I gotte get out of here. Hunter and I are going to the park to walk, and play, and forget about all this shit. Well, he'll play.... I work on forgetting.... or forgiving, for starters.