*...i will come to you...oh, come to you...*
Big ass update. I'm going to complain, what are you going to do about it?? Nothing, I'm sure you wont even read this.
Does anyone else NOT feel like it's christmas? i dont know about you, but it just doesn't feel like it. maybe for a number of reasons, but mostly i think because of the amount of stuff going on. And not to mention i haven't even started my christmas shopping lately. pathetic, huh? Plus the lack of snow...and the lack of christmas spirit. I thought people were suppose to be cheery around christmas, but everyone is being so bitchy, including myself. I didn't even ask for anything this year except for a MAC pallette set of 70...but thats it. and even if i dont get it, i'm fine. I dont really NEED anything... Actually, if i could ask for two things for christmas it would be for Anne Willey to be healthy again, and my family to get along without putting on a show. Thats all i want. Too bad santa can't make those wishes come true.
i hate that just becasue he is home, he thinks everything can change. It's not my fault he isn't going back next semester, so why should i suffer? I'm finally getting use to the way things are around here...i'm finally able to adjust and then he comes back and acts like he owns everything. I love him, but i DONT want it back the way it was. Damnit.
I dont know..i've been friends with her for my whole life. Her family is like my family.i literally dont rememember a time without them in my life... But i don't know, maybe i'm not the friend i thought i was. Maybe she doesn't want to talk about it, but i just can't help but wonder why she can't come to me about whats going on. having to hear it from everyone but her hurts. I want to be there for her. i want to whipe her tears. i want her to whipe my tears. but instead i pass her in the halls with just a hug and walk away wondering if she's okay...if she wants to cry...what she's thinking...how she's holding up. Maybe i need to be more forward and just ask her straight out what is going on because if i dont, i think it's going to be too late. I love her, i just dont know what to do. I've never been in this position before...
tonight was one of the saddest nights of my life by far. All those candles, all those tears. So many prayers in one room. I am not a very religious person, but i've been praying like crazy lately. maybe thats a bad thing....that i only pray when something bad happens...or maybe it just means that i have nothing else to believe in. Either way, i'm going to keep praying until this thing pulls through. i literally feel a pain in my chest...this emptiness. My eyes actually burn from tears. It's funny how when things like this happen, your mind acts like a storyboard of your life. You flash back to all these memories of how it was and what it was like. All these things i remember bring a smile to my face...but i continue to cry. Things like dressing up, putting on shows, family trips. and oh the way she would teach me and emily these lessons about life. About how we should feel pretty for who we are. Something i will never ever let out of my mind that she taught me..."would you rather be drop dead gorgous and have guys drooling over you, never knowing if they like your mind or your body,..or be a plain jane and have a guy be head over heals for you because of YOU and not just your looks" ...it's things like this that make me cry.
Through all this, saturday i smiled more than i have in a long time. It's been a while since i've been THIS happy. Just those words. thats all i needed to hear. So warm as it was whispered in my ear. I can't even describe this feeling..... i dont care what anyone says, i have the best boyfriend in the world. it was such a fairytale when it all started and it's turned into this amazing reality that still feels like a dream. ah, i'm such a sappy piece of shit. he's like the only person i hang out with now. i told myself i wouldn't be one of those girlfriends who only hangs out with her guy, but i mean, i really have no choice. I feel like i never see him, so i obviously want to spend as much free time with him as possible. Anddd can i just mention that i TRY to make plans with people, but it's just not very welcoming. AND plans always fall through. so yea...
UhM i think thats it.
People...make plans with me for over vacation damnit. My cell (which i have back now) better be ringing off the hook over break.
<33...i love you...<33