I wish you would understand...
&& The Memories Are What Hurt The Most . . .
So here I am expressing myself in here again… I guess I really don’t get peoples attention any other way… (And by people I mean one person)
Dear daddy,
It’s your little girl… and I want you to know I miss you! I want you to come back so bad… I need you! I don't want you to leave like Chris did… I already had to go through that... I had to lose one of my parents please don’t make me lose you too…. I know you say that you will never just walk out like she did but daddy you are hurting me so much…. I might be a strong person but I can only take so much… I am so sick... I want to get better but I cant… I can’t because I am missing a huge part of my life… the doctor says that I am sick from stress but I think I am sick from a broken heart… They say that the only man a girl can trust is her daddy… but guess that’s not true… cuz after all your lies I don't know if I can trust you… when I was little you promised me that it was just you and me… that we would stick together through everything… but its not you an me anymore… its just me… and I can make it on my own, but I want you to be here for me… I want you to proud of me…I need to know you love me... I need to know you care... I know I say I hate you but all I want is your love…
I don’t sleep anymore… I hate sleeping… because when I'm asleep I dream about you… I dream that you come back and you are the man I know and love. I dream that I am happy… the dreams are so real. I wake up and I think that you are here and that everything is ok… but then I realize that it’s just a dream and my heart silently shatters…
This isn’t about Jeannie anymore… I don’t care about her... I just want you back! I want to stop waking up in the middle of the night with tears falling from my eyes. I don’t know how much more I can take...
I was cleaning my room today and I found a teddy bear that you got me. It’s a little black bear. You got it for me when we still lived in Nebraska. I didn’t want to go to Chris’s house for the summer… Do you remember what you told me when you gave me the bear? Probably not because I bet you don’t remember half the things I will never forget… You told me when I got lonely to hold the bear in my arms and you would think of me. You told me that it didn’t matter when I held the bear because you would be thinking of me all the time. That summer I hugged that bear every night. I would sit there and talk to you through the bear. I told you that I love and miss you so much. I thought that if I could feel your maybe you could feel mine... When I found that bear today I held it in my arms, I squeezed it against my chest hoping I could feel that love I have been longing to feel. I thought maybe for a second that it was my fault that I didn’t feel the love… maybe I wasn’t good enough of a child to have the privilege to feel that kind of love. That maybe it was all my fault that mommy is sad... that somehow I brought this on our family... I finally realized what I was doing was stupid. Not because of the fact that it was just a stuffed animal, but because I know in my heart that the love I once felt is gone. It wasn’t the bear that held your love it was my heart. Over the past couple of months you have slowly stolen that love from my heart, leaving me here with only the memories of the happiness I once felt.
When I look at you I don’t know you. I look in your eyes and all I see is a stranger. It scares me because growing up I was so proud to say I knew you. So proud to say you were MY father, but now I don’t even know you. Sometimes I am glad that I don't... because I don’t want to know the person you are now…
Do you remember my freshman year when you came to all my dance competitions? As we stood out on the floor waiting for our music to come on you would yell at the top of you lungs. You would cheer us one, and give us that last little bit of excitement before we performed. Every time I heard you I would smile. I knew I was lucky to have a dad like you. You would come to our practices and give us motivational speeches. After you would leave the girls were like your dad is so cool! I love him. Now I don’t even want you there. I don’t want the disgraceful person you have become to even be around. I'm not saying I don’t what you around, I'm saying that I want the old you! I have told you that so many times, because that all I'm asking… that’s all I want! I don't want you to be perfect I want you to be YOU!
I don’t only want the you I know to come back just for myself but I want it for Matthew too. I want him to grow up with the dad I got the chance to grow up with. I want him to know the feeling I got with that bear. I don’t want him to be like me… I don’t want him to question everything, to think that he isn’t good enough. I don’t want the thought I get daily to ever have to run through his mind, because I know how painful it is to think that it’s all your fault that you father doesn’t care... I know how if feels to think that maybe if you are really good maybe just maybe you father will pay attention to you, only if it’s just for a few seconds… I want him to be able to have a healthy relationship with someone. I don’t want him to wake up every night crying. I don’t want him to think that he will never do the right thing. I don’t want him to grow up thinking this was all his fault. Because its not and he shouldn’t have to go through it. He shouldn’t have to suffer. If things keep going the way they are he will grow up experiencing all of this. He will have to deal with all the stuff that I had to and still have to deal with. He’s more like me now than you are willing to see. He wants his father to care and be proud. And by you leaving him and by you not being there you are making him feel like he isn’t loved and that you aren’t proud of you. He will believe that maybe if he wasn’t born then you and mom would be happy together…
I just want to be happy…
&& There is one thing I hate more then you..
&& thats that i dont . . .
