Burning on just like a match you strike to incinerate the lives of everyone you know
So. *sighs* There are going to be things in this post that are not pretty. And by that I mean I'm going to be talking about 1)suicide, 2)substance misuse and abuse and 3)sexual assault in relationship to my foster sister Dolores. I'm giving you a heads up so you can scroll on past because holy SHIT is what I found out ugly. I mean wow. Just...wow. If you can stand to read this? Please do because I could use people to talk to who arent my family.
*deep breath* So, Dolores died fairly late on Monday May 14. She'd been hospitalized a couple days before hand but that day she and her sister Martha were dealing DD fixating on a guy she was infatuated with. Martha went home after awhile but DD went back out and found him and everyone is fairly sure they got high together based on the variety of drugs in her system. My personal theory is that something out there triggered her. What we know for certain - method of death wise - is that she came home and took pills all at once in an amount that was lethal no matter what. The other drugs in her system sped everything up dramatically, so she killed herself somewhere around twenty minutes. That's the relatively easy part to deal with.
What isn't so easy to deal with is the fact that Martha eventually wound down on whatever drugs and alcohol she was taking. In a house full of people, she thought she was the last to go to sleep so glanced at the clock to see that hm, its late and DD wasn't home yet, and then went to sleep. Twenty minutes later - the cops showed up at the front door waking Martha up because DD was dead in another room - DD's bed room as far as we can tell.
The question there is - it was only 20 minutes after Martha (who checked the house and thought everyone else was asleep) went to bed, how did DD get found? The answer requires a longish explanation. Dolores' father is an alcohilic heroin addict who used to beat the living shit out of her. His violent abuse is why she moved in with us in high school and became my sister. She and her father reconciled when she was an adult(I dont know how. On top of all the violence he let a friend sexually abuse her when she was five so I can NEVER for give the man myself) but she did and was living in the house he apparently shared with her, Martha and a couple other family members and (and this is the important part)a homeless man he brought home with him that day.
The homeless man found Dolores because it turns out - he wasnt sleeping. When she entered her room and took the fistful of pills that killed her, he- I'm not sure exactly but he had to have come into her room. And tried to wake her. Or touch her. That he planned to rape her and realized she was dead when he touched her is what Martha seemed to be dancing around in the conversation(as in she couldnt flat out say it but thats what it sounded like) and then found her unresponsive or cold and panicked and called the cops.
So basically - random homeless guy DD's persistantly abusive father brought home basically broke into my suicidal sister's room to molest or rape her and found her dead instead. So accidental necrophilia meets suicide. She didn't know - this time. Most likely the pills she intentionally took to end her life mixed with the drugs already in her system killed her before the stranger touched her saw to that. It doesn't change the fact this another incident in her life that she was sexually attacked (Including the time her daughter's father broke into her house through the kitchen beat her senseless, raped her and she had to run for fear for her life. My mom sent her the money she needed to get out.) and from age five to the moment she died, she couldn't escape men who coupled their sex with a lack of consent.
It's so fucking horrible, whats under the cut, that I can't process it. I was starting to wrap my mind around how much pain she was in that suicide was an answer for her but this? This new information has given me a whole new level of grief and rage. Is nothing on earth sacred? Is there nothing protected? I find myself wishing I could Hulk out because at least that makes sense rather than the simmering despair laced fury with no real outlets. I couldn't get out of bed today. I dont know how my mom manages to do anything - I really don't. Thats why I'm begging you guys to look and talk to me because she isnt...there where I am.
I dont know what to do with this. I want to kill everyone in her family who let this happen to her, who didnt protect her from those people. I want to sink into the earth because I brought her home with me in high school and said to my mom "We have to keep her, we cant send her back to them" and I find myself wishing I had done it again this time.
I feel like sad isn't even the right word for how I feel right now. There should be a new word for this feeling, for what was done to her. I dont know what it is because I just can't.
*deep breath* So, Dolores died fairly late on Monday May 14. She'd been hospitalized a couple days before hand but that day she and her sister Martha were dealing DD fixating on a guy she was infatuated with. Martha went home after awhile but DD went back out and found him and everyone is fairly sure they got high together based on the variety of drugs in her system. My personal theory is that something out there triggered her. What we know for certain - method of death wise - is that she came home and took pills all at once in an amount that was lethal no matter what. The other drugs in her system sped everything up dramatically, so she killed herself somewhere around twenty minutes. That's the relatively easy part to deal with.
What isn't so easy to deal with is the fact that Martha eventually wound down on whatever drugs and alcohol she was taking. In a house full of people, she thought she was the last to go to sleep so glanced at the clock to see that hm, its late and DD wasn't home yet, and then went to sleep. Twenty minutes later - the cops showed up at the front door waking Martha up because DD was dead in another room - DD's bed room as far as we can tell.
The question there is - it was only 20 minutes after Martha (who checked the house and thought everyone else was asleep) went to bed, how did DD get found? The answer requires a longish explanation. Dolores' father is an alcohilic heroin addict who used to beat the living shit out of her. His violent abuse is why she moved in with us in high school and became my sister. She and her father reconciled when she was an adult(I dont know how. On top of all the violence he let a friend sexually abuse her when she was five so I can NEVER for give the man myself) but she did and was living in the house he apparently shared with her, Martha and a couple other family members and (and this is the important part)a homeless man he brought home with him that day.
The homeless man found Dolores because it turns out - he wasnt sleeping. When she entered her room and took the fistful of pills that killed her, he- I'm not sure exactly but he had to have come into her room. And tried to wake her. Or touch her. That he planned to rape her and realized she was dead when he touched her is what Martha seemed to be dancing around in the conversation(as in she couldnt flat out say it but thats what it sounded like) and then found her unresponsive or cold and panicked and called the cops.
So basically - random homeless guy DD's persistantly abusive father brought home basically broke into my suicidal sister's room to molest or rape her and found her dead instead. So accidental necrophilia meets suicide. She didn't know - this time. Most likely the pills she intentionally took to end her life mixed with the drugs already in her system killed her before the stranger touched her saw to that. It doesn't change the fact this another incident in her life that she was sexually attacked (Including the time her daughter's father broke into her house through the kitchen beat her senseless, raped her and she had to run for fear for her life. My mom sent her the money she needed to get out.) and from age five to the moment she died, she couldn't escape men who coupled their sex with a lack of consent.
It's so fucking horrible, whats under the cut, that I can't process it. I was starting to wrap my mind around how much pain she was in that suicide was an answer for her but this? This new information has given me a whole new level of grief and rage. Is nothing on earth sacred? Is there nothing protected? I find myself wishing I could Hulk out because at least that makes sense rather than the simmering despair laced fury with no real outlets. I couldn't get out of bed today. I dont know how my mom manages to do anything - I really don't. Thats why I'm begging you guys to look and talk to me because she isnt...there where I am.
I dont know what to do with this. I want to kill everyone in her family who let this happen to her, who didnt protect her from those people. I want to sink into the earth because I brought her home with me in high school and said to my mom "We have to keep her, we cant send her back to them" and I find myself wishing I had done it again this time.
I feel like sad isn't even the right word for how I feel right now. There should be a new word for this feeling, for what was done to her. I dont know what it is because I just can't.