Once Upon A Time, I Was a Pretty Girl
That was me when I was sixteen. Then a hurricane happened, and six years of college and my massive emotional breakdown and somehow I gained 150 pounds and broke out all over and got covered in stretchmarks and disease scars and am just...not anymore.
This week has been a fucking disaster. I wrecked my car today - its 1500 dollars of repairs that I dont have before its DRIVABLE. I'm going to be going through my clothes and selling band merch and Clandestine items in the next few weeks to try and help cover it. My meds arent working as well as they should. I've fallen so far and I'm just. I used to be that girl. I used to be beautiful and light and free and HAPPY all the time even when I was upset and I had friends who I spoke to in person regularly and a life.
This week has been bad, this day has been ESPECIALLY bad and I just. I was viscerally reminded that I am not that girl anymore and I miss her. I didnt know how great it was to be her when I was her and now I'm stuck being the ugly emotionally crippled Jabba the Hut monstrosity I am now.
I'm not giving up or anything, but I have a doctors note from my psychiatrist that says that for the next 48 hours? I'm allowed to wallow. So. I'm wallowing.
Normalcy shall resume at 8am on Monday morning.