Real life got complicated
Things in real life got very complicated very fast once ComicCon ended you guys. I got trapped in San Diego for about two days (Thanks so much Delta) at which point, my father decided to call me for the first time in months and it's was pretty devastating. I cried like a little girl in the airport. Then I had my finals - three of them back to back, the last exams of my college experience and wasn't that fucking stressful as hell? My sister and mother were out of town so I had to take care of that and just - a lot of stress. Then there's financial aid problems that never got solved in May and oh yeah? Did I mention that I was in car wreck before I left for ComicCon? There's that too.
Today I spent a rather large amount of time fighting with financial aid at FSU and. Um. I fired my psychiatrist.
He just - I dont know if English is his first language or if he just doesn't understand what "no" means or if his usual patients dont have 17 years of psychological and psychiatric treatment under their belts or what but it's like he wouldn't hear me when I spoke. No, I am not suicidal. If I have to tell you that more than three times that I have never been suicidal, am not wired to be suicidal, do not feel remotely suicidal? STOP ASKING ME.
Jesus did you get your medical degree at University of Phoenix's online campus? I am also not homicidal nor am I'm in a place where I want to hurt my self or others. Stop asking me that. And stop fucking telling me that I can't control my situation. I've been in Al-Anon for 9 years asshole. You dont need to fucking Step 1 me. I know exactly what it is that I'm having problems with. I've spent too many years learning to be way too involved in my own meta-cognitive self for that kind of delusion.
What I am I'm afraid of my future. It gapes out in front of me and the delusions I have regarding my self-worth and value as a human being and writer and potential employee/creator are more than enough to terrify. I'm sad and angry because I'm 24 years old and I feel like I've lost my entire early twenties to disease, disaster and despair. These are not good things to be feeling.
However, what I feel right now, today, this week in general? Is not my hormones or my Bipolar 2 or my depression. It's my traumatized brain and my emotional and psychological history reacting to extreme stress but you, Doctor V, trying to change my medication when I only have 4 days before I hit my crisis point is a very bad plan. It takes weeks for new meds to settle into the system and I already spend most of my days dizzy/lightheaded probably from the Depokote dose upping and now is not the time to fuck with that. He seemed to agree with that but was still pushing it anyway.
Doc, don't throw pills at me. I believe in psychopharmacology. I really do. I believe wholeheartedly that going on medication saved me last year and staying on it is keeping me sane. But not like this.
So, I told him I wouldn't be coming back and as good as fired him. I've never done that before and it was scary.
Oh yeah, and I graduate from university with a bachelors in English, focus on Creative Writing on Saturday. So, yes. This whole fucking week is scary and exhausting and just...as amazing as ComicCon was - things are rough in Rachael World. I'm fine but it's not the easiest going so if I'm slow to respond to you - thats why.
On the fannish side - I'm still taking prompts over at the whole Hypothetical AU meme post because it's fun and I am living and breathing distractions right now. If you havent dropped an idea over there, feel free. I'd love to have something else to think about - like, IDK, what it'd be like if Charles Xavier were the blond chick equivalent in Clan of the Cave Bear or if Bebe were a high class call girl and the Black Cards were a fancy shmancy escort agency or something. I dont know. What I do know is that I am really not ready to think about my world right now. Next week maybe but right now lets talk about other worlds instead.
*adjusts tinfoil hat and climbs into her pillow fort to wait this shit out*
Today I spent a rather large amount of time fighting with financial aid at FSU and. Um. I fired my psychiatrist.
He just - I dont know if English is his first language or if he just doesn't understand what "no" means or if his usual patients dont have 17 years of psychological and psychiatric treatment under their belts or what but it's like he wouldn't hear me when I spoke. No, I am not suicidal. If I have to tell you that more than three times that I have never been suicidal, am not wired to be suicidal, do not feel remotely suicidal? STOP ASKING ME.
Jesus did you get your medical degree at University of Phoenix's online campus? I am also not homicidal nor am I'm in a place where I want to hurt my self or others. Stop asking me that. And stop fucking telling me that I can't control my situation. I've been in Al-Anon for 9 years asshole. You dont need to fucking Step 1 me. I know exactly what it is that I'm having problems with. I've spent too many years learning to be way too involved in my own meta-cognitive self for that kind of delusion.
What I am I'm afraid of my future. It gapes out in front of me and the delusions I have regarding my self-worth and value as a human being and writer and potential employee/creator are more than enough to terrify. I'm sad and angry because I'm 24 years old and I feel like I've lost my entire early twenties to disease, disaster and despair. These are not good things to be feeling.
However, what I feel right now, today, this week in general? Is not my hormones or my Bipolar 2 or my depression. It's my traumatized brain and my emotional and psychological history reacting to extreme stress but you, Doctor V, trying to change my medication when I only have 4 days before I hit my crisis point is a very bad plan. It takes weeks for new meds to settle into the system and I already spend most of my days dizzy/lightheaded probably from the Depokote dose upping and now is not the time to fuck with that. He seemed to agree with that but was still pushing it anyway.
Doc, don't throw pills at me. I believe in psychopharmacology. I really do. I believe wholeheartedly that going on medication saved me last year and staying on it is keeping me sane. But not like this.
So, I told him I wouldn't be coming back and as good as fired him. I've never done that before and it was scary.
Oh yeah, and I graduate from university with a bachelors in English, focus on Creative Writing on Saturday. So, yes. This whole fucking week is scary and exhausting and just...as amazing as ComicCon was - things are rough in Rachael World. I'm fine but it's not the easiest going so if I'm slow to respond to you - thats why.
On the fannish side - I'm still taking prompts over at the whole Hypothetical AU meme post because it's fun and I am living and breathing distractions right now. If you havent dropped an idea over there, feel free. I'd love to have something else to think about - like, IDK, what it'd be like if Charles Xavier were the blond chick equivalent in Clan of the Cave Bear or if Bebe were a high class call girl and the Black Cards were a fancy shmancy escort agency or something. I dont know. What I do know is that I am really not ready to think about my world right now. Next week maybe but right now lets talk about other worlds instead.
*adjusts tinfoil hat and climbs into her pillow fort to wait this shit out*