Back in the mud again
I'm driving back to Tallahassee tomorrow. God. You know, I was so fucking happy in London that I actually forgot what Tallahassee was like until two weeks ago. I had to drive there to meet with the disability people and fuck. There's a cloud around that fucking place. I have never in my life been in a place that feels like that does - like a darkness just descends on my spiritual self when i cross into Leon county.
I have people I love in Tally. Genuinely. I have ashley and Tommy and Wilson. And this year I'll have my sister. But god. GOD. If you've been around for a long time, you know that a lot of bad shit's gone down for me since 2005 the worst of it took place in and around FSU.
And I'm scared. There's a lot of bad karma for me in that city. Some of it good but so so so much more bad. I didnt like the girl I was in Tallahassee and I came SO far in London.
I was able to meet someone new and let myself love him. I tried new things. I had intimacy with strangers. I stood up for myself. I stopped being ashamed of wanting to help people. I lost 15 pounds just by being happier and more active. I wasnt afraid to be alone. I felt beautiful even on my bad days. I stopped apologizing for being me.
I'm terrified that I'll lose this person I've become. This strong, secure, flexible woman. I like her. I dont want to lose her now.
It's a little thing but I'm buying myself this charm in the small size for my necklace as a reminder of how I felt when I put on those boots and those dresses and strutted through the London subways like the goddess I got treated like at the parties. I need to remember that feeling when outside forces are crushing me. I'm unbreakable damnit.
I just wish I could convince myself of that enough to chill the fuck out and go to sleep. Its a 200 mile drive. :(
I have people I love in Tally. Genuinely. I have ashley and Tommy and Wilson. And this year I'll have my sister. But god. GOD. If you've been around for a long time, you know that a lot of bad shit's gone down for me since 2005 the worst of it took place in and around FSU.
And I'm scared. There's a lot of bad karma for me in that city. Some of it good but so so so much more bad. I didnt like the girl I was in Tallahassee and I came SO far in London.
I was able to meet someone new and let myself love him. I tried new things. I had intimacy with strangers. I stood up for myself. I stopped being ashamed of wanting to help people. I lost 15 pounds just by being happier and more active. I wasnt afraid to be alone. I felt beautiful even on my bad days. I stopped apologizing for being me.
I'm terrified that I'll lose this person I've become. This strong, secure, flexible woman. I like her. I dont want to lose her now.
It's a little thing but I'm buying myself this charm in the small size for my necklace as a reminder of how I felt when I put on those boots and those dresses and strutted through the London subways like the goddess I got treated like at the parties. I need to remember that feeling when outside forces are crushing me. I'm unbreakable damnit.
I just wish I could convince myself of that enough to chill the fuck out and go to sleep. Its a 200 mile drive. :(