Confused as fuck...
This last month has been a rollercoaster ride of emotions. Honestly sometimes I wonder how I'm still here... THAT'S how emotional I have been. Most of it has been resolved because most of it got talked over, although some might still need to be talked about. One big thing is probably what I talked about today. If someone can answer this PLEASE, PLEASE leave me a comment in my journal. How can someone be afraid of commitment? Honestly how can they? People make commitments all the time whether they know it or not. "I'm going to go on a diet." You've just committed yourself to going on a diet. "I'm going to find someone to go out on a date with." You've committed yourself to finding a date. Honestly everyone how on earth can anyone be afraid of commitment? My belief is it's the easy way out of trying to explain something to someone. The largest thing would probably be something within or involving a part of a relationship or even the relationship itself. Seriously though, too many people use the "oh I'm afraid of commitment" line WAY too often as their scape goat for something in a relationship. If you've committed yourself to a relationship then remain committed, don't make up some bullshit about why you can't be in it anymore or why you won't say this or do that, unless it isn't about "being committed". If it has something to do with personal issues then I can understand completely, but being afraid of commitment is the biggest cock and bull "story" in the fucking world. I just don't get it, and I honestly don't think I ever will. I'll admit it, I myself have used this bullshit excuse in the past. Although now I am no longer using it because I realized that is all it is... bullshit. Hopefully someone can leave me a comment explaining how in the world any of this "oh I'm afraid of commitment" bullshit makes sense. Especially in a situation where someone says they feel something yet won't say it because "the words fluctuate in meaning and don't always mean it".
I'm so sick and tired of so many things. I put on a smile and a happy face for everyone, even though on the inside I am all fucked up. Honestly, I just wish someone would sit down with me and just listen to everything I have to say. I've done it for people for so long, but never gotten it in return. Someone always interjects a comment or has their own opinion to throw in about something I'm talking about. It's just so frustrating and painful to go through everything I've been through and not have anyone around that will JUST LISTEN AND NOT COMMENT. Listening is probably the most powerful thing in the world, it can be the difference between someone being deeply depressed and someone being totally happy, bouncing off the walls. Although sometimes I wonder if I could actually tell someone EVERYTHING I want to say; me not really being able to trust too many people because of the past and all. Well I guess I'm going to have to hope it's someone I trust enough to tell everything and hope they'll just listen for once.
Well my birthday was last Wednesday, so I'm finally 19. "sigh" It's kind of sad though, I am 19 years old and I don't even have my license. What's funny about that is that I've owned a car since November; Crazy stuff huh? Well I've just got to hope that someone can help me out with that, seeing as I need my license ASAP to be able to get my car on the road for my job. Not all too much has happened the last couple of days, so this entry is more about the last month more than anything. Before I forget to talk about it, Blockbuster is the best job I've ever had. My coworkers all rock, the enviroment is friendly, and just the job itself is so much fun. I don't think anyone can say I'm not "committed" to working there either seeing as for training I had to bus from UMass to Springfield and back for two separate days. School is almost over for me. That means that I'll be going home and I won't really get to see Melanie until next semester which is going to be really hard on me. I really don't know how this summer is going to be, but I know I am going to have to find the time to visit her or something so I don't go totally crazy. My DDR skills are still deteriorating. That may be due to the fact that I get a chance to play once every two weeks or something like that. I don't think they've really gone down TOO much, but I would like to be in tourney form for LazerZone 6. I didn't get to go to 5 last summer because of some miscommunication between me and the Holyoke crew. Oh well... not much I can do about that now. Hopefully when I get the car on the road I'll be helping people make it to tournaments as I had originally planned to do. I dunno what I'm thinking about anymore right now; my mind is a complete blank. Well I guess I'll just end things here then. Here's a poem I came up with right now:
Divine Hope
A shadow of darkness casts over the light
Covering its once wonderous beauty
Making it hideous to the eye
Although a closer look might actually reveal
The beauty it once had
People fear it now
Unknowing of what could happen
I walk towards it, hoping to see the beauty it once had
Inch by inch, step by step
I slowly get closer to the light
As I continue to get closer its form changes
Though I fear the changing form, I continue to get closer
As I stand in front of the light
I see the wonderous beauty that it is
I feel the warmth of its love and care
The light reaches out and takes hold of me
Suddenly I no longer have fear, all I feel is the warmth
I close my eyes and wrap my arms around the light
When I open my eyes I am no longer in darkness
I look around and see the beauty I felt from the light
It brought me to a place I had never seen
I look to my side and it is there
I take hold of its hand beginning a journey
A journey where we will hopefully find ourselves together always
Well folks this is the end of this ultra long entry. Later..
I'm so sick and tired of so many things. I put on a smile and a happy face for everyone, even though on the inside I am all fucked up. Honestly, I just wish someone would sit down with me and just listen to everything I have to say. I've done it for people for so long, but never gotten it in return. Someone always interjects a comment or has their own opinion to throw in about something I'm talking about. It's just so frustrating and painful to go through everything I've been through and not have anyone around that will JUST LISTEN AND NOT COMMENT. Listening is probably the most powerful thing in the world, it can be the difference between someone being deeply depressed and someone being totally happy, bouncing off the walls. Although sometimes I wonder if I could actually tell someone EVERYTHING I want to say; me not really being able to trust too many people because of the past and all. Well I guess I'm going to have to hope it's someone I trust enough to tell everything and hope they'll just listen for once.
Well my birthday was last Wednesday, so I'm finally 19. "sigh" It's kind of sad though, I am 19 years old and I don't even have my license. What's funny about that is that I've owned a car since November; Crazy stuff huh? Well I've just got to hope that someone can help me out with that, seeing as I need my license ASAP to be able to get my car on the road for my job. Not all too much has happened the last couple of days, so this entry is more about the last month more than anything. Before I forget to talk about it, Blockbuster is the best job I've ever had. My coworkers all rock, the enviroment is friendly, and just the job itself is so much fun. I don't think anyone can say I'm not "committed" to working there either seeing as for training I had to bus from UMass to Springfield and back for two separate days. School is almost over for me. That means that I'll be going home and I won't really get to see Melanie until next semester which is going to be really hard on me. I really don't know how this summer is going to be, but I know I am going to have to find the time to visit her or something so I don't go totally crazy. My DDR skills are still deteriorating. That may be due to the fact that I get a chance to play once every two weeks or something like that. I don't think they've really gone down TOO much, but I would like to be in tourney form for LazerZone 6. I didn't get to go to 5 last summer because of some miscommunication between me and the Holyoke crew. Oh well... not much I can do about that now. Hopefully when I get the car on the road I'll be helping people make it to tournaments as I had originally planned to do. I dunno what I'm thinking about anymore right now; my mind is a complete blank. Well I guess I'll just end things here then. Here's a poem I came up with right now:
Divine Hope
A shadow of darkness casts over the light
Covering its once wonderous beauty
Making it hideous to the eye
Although a closer look might actually reveal
The beauty it once had
People fear it now
Unknowing of what could happen
I walk towards it, hoping to see the beauty it once had
Inch by inch, step by step
I slowly get closer to the light
As I continue to get closer its form changes
Though I fear the changing form, I continue to get closer
As I stand in front of the light
I see the wonderous beauty that it is
I feel the warmth of its love and care
The light reaches out and takes hold of me
Suddenly I no longer have fear, all I feel is the warmth
I close my eyes and wrap my arms around the light
When I open my eyes I am no longer in darkness
I look around and see the beauty I felt from the light
It brought me to a place I had never seen
I look to my side and it is there
I take hold of its hand beginning a journey
A journey where we will hopefully find ourselves together always
Well folks this is the end of this ultra long entry. Later..