Super Long Update.... It's a lot of happenings from the last week...
Everything always gets messed up. I once again went from having good in my life to everything being shitty. Things seemed to be going well with school and everything, I had even fixed my schedule to be as I wanted it, but even that couldn't prepare me for what was to come. I was somewhat happy for once in my life, I loved my girlfriend, I had everything straightened out with friends and classes, I was getting sleep again, and everything seemed to be going well. Then someone decided that it was all too good to be true. Once again I have lost that happiness, I felt the bliss for a moment then it was considered too good for me and taken away. Why take all that away and leave me so alone, hurt, and depressed? Why not just take my life itself; it would make so much more sense than to make me suffer so. I hate having to live with this constant pain and never find the light at the end of the tunnel. I guess it's just not there.
That was something from last week that I started writing but never finished. I was originally going to be my journal entry for last week but I never got the chance to put it in here. Well I guess it'll be my poem for this entry. Well since I haven't written in here in a while I guess I have to write up on a few things. My life has practically fallen apart. Everything I've held dear except for my friendships is gone; my girlfriend, my family, my job... everything. I lost Shannon to her breaking something so sacred to try to "drown away her sorrows". She only made things worse for not only herself by putting herself in a great amount of danger, but she also caused the demise of our relationship. "sigh" I just don't get why people have to ruin things that are going great in their lives. Then again I shouldn't talk, I ruined a great friendship I had with a friend by going to visit them in the middle of a bike ride that I took because I couldn't sleep. Now their life is ruined and it's all thanks to me. I really hate myself for hurting so many people. Can someone please give me the answer I need to figure out what I am actually doing here? "sigh" I am probably going to have a nervous breakdown if I keep going at the rate I am.
This weekend wasn't the greatest; it wasn't even a "good" weekend. I would have to say there were only two good things that came out of this weekend; Seeing Seth and Rob on Valentine's Day, and my date with Julie on Sunday. Things weren't even too great at Linz's house, that probably has a lot to do with the fact that whenever Eric is over I am basically someone that's just "there". No offense Eric, it's not you or anything if you read this; I just don't like being ignored, used, or treated like I'm a lump of shit. Well after that excapade at Linz's with me going bored and becoming more depressed after losing Shannon, I managed to get Carlos to give me a ride to the Eastfield Mall for Valentine's Day so I could see Seth and Rob. Seth's day didn't really go too well, but according to him the best part of the day was the ride back and getting to hang with me; which of course made me feel better than I was feeling. Then I attempted to sleep when I got home that night. Let's just say I didn't really have to wake up at 8 in the morning the next day to go to church. It was more like I was awake the entire night because I felt exhausted; though I did lose conciousness. I guess I might have been "half asleep" or something.
Well after an interesting day of everyone being happy to see me at church I got back and set things up with Julie to go out on our date. I still can't believe she actually wanted to go out on one with me; I just can't make any sense why someone as great as her would say yes to someone as terrible as me. I'll just let it be before I give myself a headache trying to think about it. Well we met up at Eastfield in the arcade. We went and got tickets and we had some time for a game of DDR. She did really well for not having played in about 2 months. Julie if you read this: GOOD JOB :-D. Well after that we went back to the theaters and went to watch the movie. We saw 50 First Dates. The movie was really funny. One thing I have to work on is not be shy on dates, because I have this really bad tendancy of not doing things that I "want" to do. In this situation I wanted to put my arm around Julie the entire span of the movie, BUT I didn't... Some shyness huh? OH WELL "sigh".... Well after that I convinced her to take some pictures with me hehe... We found one of the picture booths and took a set of 4 pictures, and the machine printed out two sets, one for me and one for her. I have the pictures right here with me and whenever I look at them I laugh because I look goofy in them. That's probably one of the few times I've ever really been happy in a picture and not had to fake a smile. Wonder what Julie was thinking while taking the pictures... Well after that we went back the theater and talked for a while. I never thought there were some many phobias that I didn't know about lol. That was probably the most interesting conversation I have had in a long time. After she left I waited for my ride and went home to relax and try sleeping again. That one didn't happen.
Monday was probably one of the shittiest days I've had since last week. Well I planned to hang out with someone but that one never happened. They just kind of left and never told me anything, so we never got to hang out. At about 5 o'clock I decided to go to the mall to see everyone, and well that wasn't all too great either. Hanging with everyone was fun, BUT the fact that Jim fired me from the arcade for some bullshit reason just pissed me off. I really don't care that he let me go though, but if he was going to fire me he could have come up with a better excuse than the one he came up with. BLAH! Well after the mall I got a ride home from Joey and Orlando and tried to get in touch with Carlos. What I found out really pissed me off. He decided that he couldn't wait for me to bring me back to the room that he was INVITED to stay in. Yea he had my key and everything but it's still MY ROOM, and he told me he would wait for me to call him. Well I had to wait for about 2 hours before he actually decided to come get me. After we got to the dorm he wanted to play some Madden and start a franchise. I guess he must have gotten annoyed with me or something because he said some hurtful things, and when he went to leave he didn't even tell me and if it wasn't for me waking up I wouldn't have known he left or anything. He hasn't called the room or anything today. "sigh" I just hope he's not angry with me or anything because he's actually the only person I can talk to about anything right now.
Well today has been a pretty much productiveless day as I sat around and played video games after my Physics lab. Besides that not much else has happen today. I have a meeting in a little while and after that I am going to go look for a job at the Hadley mall. OH Yea before I forget, all my friends that read this: You probably won't be seeing me too much anymore because I don't really have much reason to go home anymore; I lost my girlfriend and job, my family doesn't care about me, and the only thing I have left are you guys. So you'll probably see me every couple of weeks, but nowhere near as much as you used to. Sorry.. Though you won't get to see me you can always talk to me online, email me, or call my dorm if you have any of those. If not then just leave a message on here and I'll give it to you.
Well since I already wrote a "poem" in here I can end things here. Peace.
That was something from last week that I started writing but never finished. I was originally going to be my journal entry for last week but I never got the chance to put it in here. Well I guess it'll be my poem for this entry. Well since I haven't written in here in a while I guess I have to write up on a few things. My life has practically fallen apart. Everything I've held dear except for my friendships is gone; my girlfriend, my family, my job... everything. I lost Shannon to her breaking something so sacred to try to "drown away her sorrows". She only made things worse for not only herself by putting herself in a great amount of danger, but she also caused the demise of our relationship. "sigh" I just don't get why people have to ruin things that are going great in their lives. Then again I shouldn't talk, I ruined a great friendship I had with a friend by going to visit them in the middle of a bike ride that I took because I couldn't sleep. Now their life is ruined and it's all thanks to me. I really hate myself for hurting so many people. Can someone please give me the answer I need to figure out what I am actually doing here? "sigh" I am probably going to have a nervous breakdown if I keep going at the rate I am.
This weekend wasn't the greatest; it wasn't even a "good" weekend. I would have to say there were only two good things that came out of this weekend; Seeing Seth and Rob on Valentine's Day, and my date with Julie on Sunday. Things weren't even too great at Linz's house, that probably has a lot to do with the fact that whenever Eric is over I am basically someone that's just "there". No offense Eric, it's not you or anything if you read this; I just don't like being ignored, used, or treated like I'm a lump of shit. Well after that excapade at Linz's with me going bored and becoming more depressed after losing Shannon, I managed to get Carlos to give me a ride to the Eastfield Mall for Valentine's Day so I could see Seth and Rob. Seth's day didn't really go too well, but according to him the best part of the day was the ride back and getting to hang with me; which of course made me feel better than I was feeling. Then I attempted to sleep when I got home that night. Let's just say I didn't really have to wake up at 8 in the morning the next day to go to church. It was more like I was awake the entire night because I felt exhausted; though I did lose conciousness. I guess I might have been "half asleep" or something.
Well after an interesting day of everyone being happy to see me at church I got back and set things up with Julie to go out on our date. I still can't believe she actually wanted to go out on one with me; I just can't make any sense why someone as great as her would say yes to someone as terrible as me. I'll just let it be before I give myself a headache trying to think about it. Well we met up at Eastfield in the arcade. We went and got tickets and we had some time for a game of DDR. She did really well for not having played in about 2 months. Julie if you read this: GOOD JOB :-D. Well after that we went back to the theaters and went to watch the movie. We saw 50 First Dates. The movie was really funny. One thing I have to work on is not be shy on dates, because I have this really bad tendancy of not doing things that I "want" to do. In this situation I wanted to put my arm around Julie the entire span of the movie, BUT I didn't... Some shyness huh? OH WELL "sigh".... Well after that I convinced her to take some pictures with me hehe... We found one of the picture booths and took a set of 4 pictures, and the machine printed out two sets, one for me and one for her. I have the pictures right here with me and whenever I look at them I laugh because I look goofy in them. That's probably one of the few times I've ever really been happy in a picture and not had to fake a smile. Wonder what Julie was thinking while taking the pictures... Well after that we went back the theater and talked for a while. I never thought there were some many phobias that I didn't know about lol. That was probably the most interesting conversation I have had in a long time. After she left I waited for my ride and went home to relax and try sleeping again. That one didn't happen.
Monday was probably one of the shittiest days I've had since last week. Well I planned to hang out with someone but that one never happened. They just kind of left and never told me anything, so we never got to hang out. At about 5 o'clock I decided to go to the mall to see everyone, and well that wasn't all too great either. Hanging with everyone was fun, BUT the fact that Jim fired me from the arcade for some bullshit reason just pissed me off. I really don't care that he let me go though, but if he was going to fire me he could have come up with a better excuse than the one he came up with. BLAH! Well after the mall I got a ride home from Joey and Orlando and tried to get in touch with Carlos. What I found out really pissed me off. He decided that he couldn't wait for me to bring me back to the room that he was INVITED to stay in. Yea he had my key and everything but it's still MY ROOM, and he told me he would wait for me to call him. Well I had to wait for about 2 hours before he actually decided to come get me. After we got to the dorm he wanted to play some Madden and start a franchise. I guess he must have gotten annoyed with me or something because he said some hurtful things, and when he went to leave he didn't even tell me and if it wasn't for me waking up I wouldn't have known he left or anything. He hasn't called the room or anything today. "sigh" I just hope he's not angry with me or anything because he's actually the only person I can talk to about anything right now.
Well today has been a pretty much productiveless day as I sat around and played video games after my Physics lab. Besides that not much else has happen today. I have a meeting in a little while and after that I am going to go look for a job at the Hadley mall. OH Yea before I forget, all my friends that read this: You probably won't be seeing me too much anymore because I don't really have much reason to go home anymore; I lost my girlfriend and job, my family doesn't care about me, and the only thing I have left are you guys. So you'll probably see me every couple of weeks, but nowhere near as much as you used to. Sorry.. Though you won't get to see me you can always talk to me online, email me, or call my dorm if you have any of those. If not then just leave a message on here and I'll give it to you.
Well since I already wrote a "poem" in here I can end things here. Peace.