Conversation Etiquette
At this fair a couple weeks ago, I was in a merchandise booth looking for something and the shopkeeper asked if he could help me. I said yes, I was looking for a Turkish coffee pot. He said no, he didn't sell them, and then proceeded to have a "conversation" with me about why it's not just a Turkish coffee pot, but actually a Mediterranean coffee pot, since other countries and areas use the same type of pot. He did not receive my cues that I did not care and wanted to exit the conversation and the booth instead of talking to him. But I didn't want to be rude, so I waited it out while looking at other things and finally exited the booth.
I then complained to my boyfriend about people who want to have conversations when all I wanted was a yes or no. And he said that sometimes he thought I did that to people -- gave them a long, conversational answer in response, instead of the yes or no they were looking for. And when I asked, well, why don't you stop me then? I don't want to annoy people. He said, maybe they actually did like getting a conversation in response and he was the one who was misinterpreting things. He didn't want to be rude and interrupt me or prod the conversation to the side when everyone involved was enjoying it. His answer, essentially, was just because I talk more than he does in a lot of situations doesn't mean that I'm wrong and he's right about it.
Ok, fine. Due to a lot of complicated history, talking "too much" is one of my societal fears. That I'll talk too much and annoy or bore people. Considering that I have friends, I'm not too worried about it, since I assume they wouldn't be friends with me if I annoyed them all the time. Also, I'm finding that I can recognize instances when I feel like I'm talking too much, and those instances are less than half of my social time. (They tend to be when I'm lonely, have been spending a lot of time in my head, and feel like the other person is sympathetic. Sometimes it happens when I'm nervous.)
This is different from simply talking a lot. I talk a lot amongst my friends. But they talk a lot back to me, so it doesn't feel like "too much."
Back to the story.
I just realized why that shopkeeper annoyed me but a different shopkeeper who also gave me a longer answer than usual, didn't. (Or rather, he annoyed me a lot less.) In the instance above, I was obviously looking at objects in the shop, slowly backing away, and trying to leave the physical proximity. I wasn't super obvious about backing up, but I was super obvious about looking at other things. And it still took a while for there to be a pause in the conversation where I could gracefully exit.
A different shopkeeper, about a month ago, also decided to have a conversation with me. I was more interested in his information, and I preceded to face him fully, rarely look at the things in his shop, and say more in the conversation than "mhmm." I did eventually get bored with the conversation and it took a while for me to find a graceful way to exit. However, at that point, I started looking away and around more often. He did eventually pause/get the message, and I was able to walk away without really feeling annoyed.
The conversation of the first shopkeeper to me was intrusive, and thus annoying. Even as I was giving accepted social cues for wanting to leave, he wasn't noticing them (or was ignoring them, though my bet is it's the former). The conversation of the second shopkeeper was a bit longer than I would have liked, but didn't feel intrusive, as my original cues welcomed the conversation.
Talking too much is talking when the other person is trying to get away. I don't think I do that very often (I wouldn't say ever because it's not like I'm the Queen of Social Cues or anything). But if I do end up talking too much, I want someone to stop me. In as polite a way as possible, of course.
I then complained to my boyfriend about people who want to have conversations when all I wanted was a yes or no. And he said that sometimes he thought I did that to people -- gave them a long, conversational answer in response, instead of the yes or no they were looking for. And when I asked, well, why don't you stop me then? I don't want to annoy people. He said, maybe they actually did like getting a conversation in response and he was the one who was misinterpreting things. He didn't want to be rude and interrupt me or prod the conversation to the side when everyone involved was enjoying it. His answer, essentially, was just because I talk more than he does in a lot of situations doesn't mean that I'm wrong and he's right about it.
Ok, fine. Due to a lot of complicated history, talking "too much" is one of my societal fears. That I'll talk too much and annoy or bore people. Considering that I have friends, I'm not too worried about it, since I assume they wouldn't be friends with me if I annoyed them all the time. Also, I'm finding that I can recognize instances when I feel like I'm talking too much, and those instances are less than half of my social time. (They tend to be when I'm lonely, have been spending a lot of time in my head, and feel like the other person is sympathetic. Sometimes it happens when I'm nervous.)
This is different from simply talking a lot. I talk a lot amongst my friends. But they talk a lot back to me, so it doesn't feel like "too much."
Back to the story.
I just realized why that shopkeeper annoyed me but a different shopkeeper who also gave me a longer answer than usual, didn't. (Or rather, he annoyed me a lot less.) In the instance above, I was obviously looking at objects in the shop, slowly backing away, and trying to leave the physical proximity. I wasn't super obvious about backing up, but I was super obvious about looking at other things. And it still took a while for there to be a pause in the conversation where I could gracefully exit.
A different shopkeeper, about a month ago, also decided to have a conversation with me. I was more interested in his information, and I preceded to face him fully, rarely look at the things in his shop, and say more in the conversation than "mhmm." I did eventually get bored with the conversation and it took a while for me to find a graceful way to exit. However, at that point, I started looking away and around more often. He did eventually pause/get the message, and I was able to walk away without really feeling annoyed.
The conversation of the first shopkeeper to me was intrusive, and thus annoying. Even as I was giving accepted social cues for wanting to leave, he wasn't noticing them (or was ignoring them, though my bet is it's the former). The conversation of the second shopkeeper was a bit longer than I would have liked, but didn't feel intrusive, as my original cues welcomed the conversation.
Talking too much is talking when the other person is trying to get away. I don't think I do that very often (I wouldn't say ever because it's not like I'm the Queen of Social Cues or anything). But if I do end up talking too much, I want someone to stop me. In as polite a way as possible, of course.