The good, the bad, and the...vaginas?
There's many many reasons behind the ambiguous entry I left yesterday. First and foremost, Ira and I broke up last Saturday, and I'm still a little sad/upset. It wasn't a question of who dumped who or anything like that, it was a mutual split. The most pathetic thing about it is that we did it over AIM. He didn't even have the balls to have this conversation in person, it's quite sad...at the same time, I'm not sure how well I would've handled it in person...at least over AIM I was able to really look at what he said and think about how to respond before answering right away. Just after New Year's, he had started acting real weird...sorta distant, not calling me, not wanting to show me any affection in public, just kinda moody in general. He claimed that he was just thinking about the future, and wasn't quite sure where we would be in a few months. And now, while I'm not needy, this kind of behavior bothered me a bit. He kept telling me that he loved me and didn't want to hurt me or break up with me, but the funky behavior continued. We didn't talk for about a week, and while I was busy, I wasn't too busy to pick up the phone or IM him, but at the same time, I was under the impression that he wanted his space, so I didn't. I eventually talked to him, and that's what led to the break-up convo. He claims that he was busy doing "really good things" with his thesis work and internship, so busy that he didn't have time to call or IM anyone apparently, and that I should've understood that because I was busy, too. I told him that the keys to any good relationship were communication and affection, and that I was willing to do anything in order to make it work because I love him and care about him. He said that he loves and cares about me, but that he has different goals and priorities than he used to and that he's "not in the relationship mindset" right now, so he'd like us to "take a break", still be friends (aka not dating), but not rule out the possibility that we might get back together later on. It was after he said these things that I knew it was over between us. I mean, I didn't want it to be, but as much as I love him, I can't be with someone who can't make time for me.
It's not like he was perfect, anyway. He pointed out things about my behavior that bugged him..."Linds, you're saying 'like' again." and "Why do you talk in that little girl voice, it's so immature." When I had a bad night last semester where one of my teachers forgot to hand in a reccomendation letter and my roommate sexiled me, instead of comforting me, he yelled at me and baraded me for a) not picking a more responsible teacher to write a reccomendation and b) for not sticking up for myself...I didn't need shit like that. As sweet as he can be, he can also be a real douche. Ira looks out for Ira and only does things when it's convenient for him, no matter how it incoveniences other people. Mostly, we only hung out/had private time when he was in the mood to. His head is too much in the future while I'm trying to live day to day. He's already started on tomorrow's work while I'm catching up on today's. He's anal retentive and obsessive compulsive. He's got to learn that no matter how much you plan and prepare for the future, something's bound to go wrong and things are never gonna turn out quite the way that you want them to. But yeah, it's his loss and his issue, not mine...I did nothing wrong. I just wasn't happy with the situation anymore, and I wanted out. No major drama, and we're gonna try and still be friends...if I hear that he's started calling me one of his "bitch ex-girlfriends", his ass is grass. We were together just over a year. ::sigh:: Thus ends my first serious relationship, my first love, my first...everything.
And this all happened on February 11th, my daddy's birthday, 3 days before Valentine's Day. Needless to say, for the most part, I had the suckiest Valentine's Day I've ever had in my life. I was fine all that day, until I saw him on the 4:35 shuttle going back up to Hillside...it was the first time I had seen him since The Break-up, and I loved how he tried to act like nothing was wrong...he sat next to me and handed me a card. I opened it later and it was a Valentine, it had a puppy on it and it said on the inside "you're ARFully cute, Valentine." He had written: "Even though we may not be 'together' at the moment, I want you to know how much I care about you and how sweet a person you are. I want nothing more than for you to be happy! Let's stay close. Love, Ira" I called my mom and cried like a baby, and later in the evening got buzzed with Chelsea and Zach. I feel like a lot of people kind of sympathize with me and think that he has his head up his ass (including Sarah my best friend from home, and Joe P). I think he needs me more than I need him, and I hope he realizes what he's missing out on.
Two of the things that are now over, but that had kept me busy and motivated throughout all this were Children's Dance Theatre and The Vagina Monologues. CDT had been a pain in the ass since day 1...or maybe I should say CDT was fun, RhaeAnn was the pain in the ass from day 1. I complained about it a lot, but at the same time, the piece that I choreographed became my baby, my labor of love, and the girls who danced in it became my friends. A lot of the time, when I'd complain about it to Ira, he'd say "why don't you quit?" I didn't quit because a) I was getting credit for my efforts, b) once I commit to something I try to stick with it until the end, and c) I LOVE to dance...not just like but LOVE. Come to think of it, Ira was not my first love, DANCE was. It's something I've been passionate about since I was a little kid, and I have a feeling it will always be that way. People come and go, but art is forever! The show went really, really well, I recieved lots of flowers and complements, and I'm extremely proud of how it turned out. It was bittersweet in that I was both relieved and sad when it was over.
After Hell Week for CDT was over, there was the Vagina Monologues to contend with...once again, it was a pain in the ass(or should I say a pain in the vagina?) but well worth the effort. Being in an all-girl environment after a break-up is definitely therapeutic. And at the show that Ira attended, when it came time to say what my vagina would say if it could talk, I said "Single and ready to mingle!" It was kind of amusing to think about how uncomfortable he must've been when Randi and I did our intro together. The second night of the show was not so good for me personally because I was sick as a dog with a sinus infection and I didn't want to be there. The third night was the best...I felt a little better, I look a little better, I didn't mess up any lines, the feeling was there behind the lines, and best of all, they played my vagina song (Girls just wanna have fun by Cyndi Lauper) during the bows! Most of the people that I knew who came were there on Saturday night, too, which was good. I was pleased when my mother came to see the show and that she liked it. The hours were long (LaTasha is a bit of a slave driver) and some of the girls were a bit clique-y, but overall it was awesome...and we got a standing ovation on the last night. w00t.
The other reason I was sad last night is because my mom called and told me that our family friends' grandma died, and it came as quite a shock. I've known the Richard family since I was in diapers and I'm closer to them than I am to my own extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I knew their grandma, Jackie Mauriello...she was a sweet lady, and they were always telling me funny stories about her...she was narcoleptic and she would fall asleep when she got excited, and it got her into some weird and funny situations. I couldn't help but cry when I found out...she was like my sister's other grandma. My condolences and deepest sympathies go out to the Richard and Mauriello families.
It's not like he was perfect, anyway. He pointed out things about my behavior that bugged him..."Linds, you're saying 'like' again." and "Why do you talk in that little girl voice, it's so immature." When I had a bad night last semester where one of my teachers forgot to hand in a reccomendation letter and my roommate sexiled me, instead of comforting me, he yelled at me and baraded me for a) not picking a more responsible teacher to write a reccomendation and b) for not sticking up for myself...I didn't need shit like that. As sweet as he can be, he can also be a real douche. Ira looks out for Ira and only does things when it's convenient for him, no matter how it incoveniences other people. Mostly, we only hung out/had private time when he was in the mood to. His head is too much in the future while I'm trying to live day to day. He's already started on tomorrow's work while I'm catching up on today's. He's anal retentive and obsessive compulsive. He's got to learn that no matter how much you plan and prepare for the future, something's bound to go wrong and things are never gonna turn out quite the way that you want them to. But yeah, it's his loss and his issue, not mine...I did nothing wrong. I just wasn't happy with the situation anymore, and I wanted out. No major drama, and we're gonna try and still be friends...if I hear that he's started calling me one of his "bitch ex-girlfriends", his ass is grass. We were together just over a year. ::sigh:: Thus ends my first serious relationship, my first love, my first...everything.
And this all happened on February 11th, my daddy's birthday, 3 days before Valentine's Day. Needless to say, for the most part, I had the suckiest Valentine's Day I've ever had in my life. I was fine all that day, until I saw him on the 4:35 shuttle going back up to Hillside...it was the first time I had seen him since The Break-up, and I loved how he tried to act like nothing was wrong...he sat next to me and handed me a card. I opened it later and it was a Valentine, it had a puppy on it and it said on the inside "you're ARFully cute, Valentine." He had written: "Even though we may not be 'together' at the moment, I want you to know how much I care about you and how sweet a person you are. I want nothing more than for you to be happy! Let's stay close. Love, Ira" I called my mom and cried like a baby, and later in the evening got buzzed with Chelsea and Zach. I feel like a lot of people kind of sympathize with me and think that he has his head up his ass (including Sarah my best friend from home, and Joe P). I think he needs me more than I need him, and I hope he realizes what he's missing out on.
Two of the things that are now over, but that had kept me busy and motivated throughout all this were Children's Dance Theatre and The Vagina Monologues. CDT had been a pain in the ass since day 1...or maybe I should say CDT was fun, RhaeAnn was the pain in the ass from day 1. I complained about it a lot, but at the same time, the piece that I choreographed became my baby, my labor of love, and the girls who danced in it became my friends. A lot of the time, when I'd complain about it to Ira, he'd say "why don't you quit?" I didn't quit because a) I was getting credit for my efforts, b) once I commit to something I try to stick with it until the end, and c) I LOVE to dance...not just like but LOVE. Come to think of it, Ira was not my first love, DANCE was. It's something I've been passionate about since I was a little kid, and I have a feeling it will always be that way. People come and go, but art is forever! The show went really, really well, I recieved lots of flowers and complements, and I'm extremely proud of how it turned out. It was bittersweet in that I was both relieved and sad when it was over.
After Hell Week for CDT was over, there was the Vagina Monologues to contend with...once again, it was a pain in the ass(or should I say a pain in the vagina?) but well worth the effort. Being in an all-girl environment after a break-up is definitely therapeutic. And at the show that Ira attended, when it came time to say what my vagina would say if it could talk, I said "Single and ready to mingle!" It was kind of amusing to think about how uncomfortable he must've been when Randi and I did our intro together. The second night of the show was not so good for me personally because I was sick as a dog with a sinus infection and I didn't want to be there. The third night was the best...I felt a little better, I look a little better, I didn't mess up any lines, the feeling was there behind the lines, and best of all, they played my vagina song (Girls just wanna have fun by Cyndi Lauper) during the bows! Most of the people that I knew who came were there on Saturday night, too, which was good. I was pleased when my mother came to see the show and that she liked it. The hours were long (LaTasha is a bit of a slave driver) and some of the girls were a bit clique-y, but overall it was awesome...and we got a standing ovation on the last night. w00t.
The other reason I was sad last night is because my mom called and told me that our family friends' grandma died, and it came as quite a shock. I've known the Richard family since I was in diapers and I'm closer to them than I am to my own extended family of aunts, uncles, and cousins. I knew their grandma, Jackie Mauriello...she was a sweet lady, and they were always telling me funny stories about her...she was narcoleptic and she would fall asleep when she got excited, and it got her into some weird and funny situations. I couldn't help but cry when I found out...she was like my sister's other grandma. My condolences and deepest sympathies go out to the Richard and Mauriello families.