i carry your heart.
I cant sleep. But can you blame me? The vision of visiting my brother at the mortuary on friday is implanted in my head tonight. Holding his cold, dead body. Kissing his forhead over and over and over. Running my fingers through his hair like I did when we were children and he couldnt sleep, only he was sleeping now, forever.
I feel foolish for crying so hard in weeks past, those problems that I thought were so BIG, are now only tiny grains of sand compared to the giant hill I have standing infront of me. My brother is dead. My first memory ever in life is sitting in my moms bed with her, and placing my hands on her belly that was so big, and asking her
"Mommy, whats in your belly?"
" We still dont know yet, Emmy"
" Can we call it Tricky?"
My little mystery sibling, who was sonogram shy. I anxiously awaited trickys arrival. My little one, from that day on, I always had someone to keep me company. For the first few years of our lives we did everything together, and I absolutely loved it with all my heart. Being a good big sister meant the world to me, because as usual I needed to be the best.
Tonight as hundreds of people gathered at the church and at my house... I couldnt help but think as they were leaving that they get to go home to their brothers, younger and older, and I would once again return to a house filled with so many people, yet so extremely empty without him here. I wait up at night, thinking that hes going to come up the hill... music blaring.
This is a whole new kind of pain, a pain that pierces my heart, that throngs in my stomach, that pounds in my chest so rapidly. This is a pain that never leaves, its always here, even when Im asleep. Hes out of pain, I have his pain now. This is a pain that doesnt have an anwser, and leaves me so empty and hollow feeling. It keeps me so cold, that no matter how many blankets or jackets im wearing, i still feel the chill.
Im so extremely jealous of everyone who has a brother, because I no longer have mine. I will never see his cheeky smile or darling blue eyes, I will never hear his cackling laughter over inappropriate dinner conversation, Never again will I have him rescue me from uncomfortable situations, or have him get me out of a famliy function.
Every day seems to last a million years. I dont know how Im going to do this without him, Ive only lived 2 years of my whole life without him, and now that hes gone I just cant deal. Im the strong one in my family, and Im breaking. I cant do this without you Col. I just cant
I feel foolish for crying so hard in weeks past, those problems that I thought were so BIG, are now only tiny grains of sand compared to the giant hill I have standing infront of me. My brother is dead. My first memory ever in life is sitting in my moms bed with her, and placing my hands on her belly that was so big, and asking her
"Mommy, whats in your belly?"
" We still dont know yet, Emmy"
" Can we call it Tricky?"
My little mystery sibling, who was sonogram shy. I anxiously awaited trickys arrival. My little one, from that day on, I always had someone to keep me company. For the first few years of our lives we did everything together, and I absolutely loved it with all my heart. Being a good big sister meant the world to me, because as usual I needed to be the best.
Tonight as hundreds of people gathered at the church and at my house... I couldnt help but think as they were leaving that they get to go home to their brothers, younger and older, and I would once again return to a house filled with so many people, yet so extremely empty without him here. I wait up at night, thinking that hes going to come up the hill... music blaring.
This is a whole new kind of pain, a pain that pierces my heart, that throngs in my stomach, that pounds in my chest so rapidly. This is a pain that never leaves, its always here, even when Im asleep. Hes out of pain, I have his pain now. This is a pain that doesnt have an anwser, and leaves me so empty and hollow feeling. It keeps me so cold, that no matter how many blankets or jackets im wearing, i still feel the chill.
Im so extremely jealous of everyone who has a brother, because I no longer have mine. I will never see his cheeky smile or darling blue eyes, I will never hear his cackling laughter over inappropriate dinner conversation, Never again will I have him rescue me from uncomfortable situations, or have him get me out of a famliy function.
Every day seems to last a million years. I dont know how Im going to do this without him, Ive only lived 2 years of my whole life without him, and now that hes gone I just cant deal. Im the strong one in my family, and Im breaking. I cant do this without you Col. I just cant