Being such a mess that your friends don't even ask for your help, that's the bottom of the barrel
It has ben 47 days since my last update. sorry to leave y'all hanging for so long, but I just have had nothing to say. but now I have an awful lot to say. first and foremost, I would like to inform everyone out there in lj land that I have fufilled #41 on my list-get a picture on a Jones Soda bottle. A year ago I entered a picture that I took up at GVSU and I had all my friends vote on it. The score wasn't as impressive as I hoped, and I kind of forgot about it. the other day I was googling myself and the only hit I got was the label spread of my Jones Soda bottle (here's the website). How flipping exciting. so I guess if anyone finds this bottle in the stores and wants to buy it for me that would be awesome. I would pay you back for it. Its a Naturals drink and I don't know where around here to look for them, but I'm going to keep my eye out. I don't know when they will actually hit the stores.
Now I have a bit of a venting type thing to do. this summer is quickly shapping out to be my worst summer yet, including the summer when Christina was grounded. I've been spending a lot of time alone at home. I blame this on boys and what they have done to my girls. I've been writing my thoughts out as the days go on and now I am going to try and piece them together in a coherent way. I'm not even sure if the invilved parties will read this anytime soon, but it needs to be said and I hope that maybe they will know how I feel at the end of this. but as a warning, I need to say that I am not trying to bitch or be a bitch, I just need to say how I feel. I'm not even asking for people to pay attention to me, because if they don't want to then I don't want that attention.
I don’t know how to be assertive and tell people stuff to their face so here I am hiding behind LiveJournal again. I accepted long ago that I will never be to Lindsay and Jessica what they are to each other, but I guess I didn’t realize that I was so easily cast aside in their lives. I am sick and tired of being the one that everyone always goes to when they need someone. Its not a problem when its Elaine calling me a week in advanced to see if I can switched a Friday night for a Saturday morning, but when I am paranoid every time the phone rings that Hallmark is going to call me in because it happens to damn much, then there is a problem. I am not about to let my friends bully and take advantage of me simply because I want people to like me. And god, the way she said it to me on the phone. “You don’t have to baby-sit for Jennifer next week.” Um, how about asking if I don’t mind giving her next week to pay her phone bill. Remind me to never give out loans to friends. I get yelled at because I am too good of a friend to say no, but I realized tonight that no one is really a good friend to me. At least when it’s not convenient for them. I knew this summer was going to be different with Anthony in the picture, but this is not what I foresaw. I thought I would at least have Lindsay to hang out with. It turns out she is the one I see the least. Now that they both have boys to occupy their time, where does that leave me? Alone at home with my sisters. I’m only half joking when I call Katie my only friend. Jessica says I can call her if I want to hang out but the thing is, even when we do, its less then 10 minutes before boys come up and it makes me want to put my head through the walls. Lindsay makes it painstakingly clear that Mike comes before me, even though she doesn’t seem to want to admit it. Yesterday she called me to see if I wanted to go to t he mall with her. I missed the call by almost 2 hours because I was baking for my mom, but I called her back because I believe in phone ettiquite. She told me she was on her way to the mall when Mike called needing to get picked up from work so she was going to get him. She told me she would call me later. I knoew then not to hold my breath waiting for that call. I foolishly carried my phone around for almost an hour, but when my mom called and asked if I wanted to run someerrands with her, I jumped on the chance to get out of the house. I'm still aiting on that call...
I just don’t get how some people can be such hypocrites and not see it. I keep thinking back to this journal entry by Lindsay back in January ( http://swimbaby1985.livejournal.com/13613.html). She was so upset with Jessica because she spent all of Christmas break with Anthony. We all talked it over and Jessica promised to be a better friend. Lindsay was convinced she would do the same thing all over again, and I have to admit I kind of thought so too, but I was willing to give her a chance. I never even thought Lindsay would be the one to abandon me for a boy. I haven’t talked to her since Cedar Point, except for the day she told me she was taking this week babysitting, and then yelled at me because I told her not to let it happen again. Then a few days later she says I can have the week back and when I say I can’t do Tuesday, she makes sure I can do Wednesday because its her mom’s birthday. Yeah, that’s it. For all I know she’s been with Mike every day. Actually I am pretty sure she has. I found out this past weekend that apparently she would rather see Mike again then hang out with me for a few hours. I know it was short notice but come on; you practically live with him now. Jessica isn’t much better. At least she made it to the movies on Sunday. I think its funny that I have talked to Christina more in the last two weeks, the girl that I have seen 4 or 5 times in the last year, more then I have talked to Lindsay or Jessica. Yeah, I know the calling thing goes both ways and if this bugs me so much I can just call them and see if they want to hang out. The thing is though that I am pretty sure they both would rather be with their boyfriends then with me, and the last thing I want to do is hang out with people who don’t really want to be hanging out with me. I guess I just want them to show me that they really are my friends, because right now I am feeling very shitty about myself. I feel like all I was to Lindsay is the person she was going to fill the Aaron void with. But now she has Mike and he actually wants to see her so the filler friend is unnecessary. Remember back in April when we talked about hanging out all summer, going to the beach in Grand Haven, having a good time together and all that. Ha, I don’t expect any of that to happen anymore. Becky and Laura want to go to Cedar Point later this summer and they want me to go. I’m excited. I like Laura and I think it will be fun to get out and hang around with people who don’t just take me for granted. Because that is exactly what Lindsay and Jessica are doing. I am always there for them when they need me. I drove Lindsay down to Indiana to see her Aunt and stay with Megan, but now my services are no longer needed. I was going to be her friend this summer when she guessed she wouldn’t have a lot of Jessica and now that she has Mike she doesn’t need me. Jessica is the same way. When we are at school, we are such great friends, but I never hear from her or see her when she has other friends around. I am so sick of being taken for granted. One day they will come looking for me and I won’t be there to help them out. I can’t wait for Julie to come home because I know that the Hallmark girls are going to get together for a little party thing. And Julie and I talked about taking a fun dance class or something together this summer and that will definitely give me something to do with my time.
Is it so much to ask to just be cared about. The bitter reality is starting to sink in lately that there is no one out there who really cares about me. I mean besides my parents. Lindsay and Jessica drop me the second something better comes into the room. I am only ever at best the second person on their minds. I don’t think they have any idea how lonely it is to be me. Even when I am with them, I am still only second best. Do they have any idea what it feels like to only be second to someone who you honestly care about so much that it brings you to tears just to think about? To constantly worry about what they are thinking about me and whether or not something I say or do will piss them off or make them hate me. To be so afraid to say what I am feeling because I feel like everyone is judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I know I’m not the only one with problems, but I feel so poorly about myself that it just makes me feel even worse when I think the people I care most about are judging me, or that they don’t really want me around. Is it too much to ask just to belong somewhere? When will I find the place that I fit in? I thought that I had that with Christina, but something happened there and we lost that amazing connection we had. I used to know her so well I could almost read her mind. Now I don’t even know her at all.
ok, I hope that was coherent. I was trying to put this in the best order, but it was hard. The same thoughts came up a couple of times.
In other news, I got a baby sitting job. the little girl is 9 months, well actualy probably 10 months by now. She's very cute and I get paid a decent amount. A lot more then Hallmark for sure! Hours have been shitty and I am sick of getting treated like crap, but theres' not much I can do about it.
We are having a big old shindig on the 24th for all the things goign on in my family this year. Dana and Julie, and my Hallmark girls, you are all welcome to come. Just ask for details if your interested.
I finished reading Wicked and for as hard as it was to get into at first, I couldn't put it down at the end.
I cleaned my room the other day. Like really well. I moved furniture and vacuumed behind it all. I also got rid of a bunch of stuff. I think I may paint my room a coffee color this summer, but I'm not sure. Becky and Katie are both getting their rooms done, so why not me?
I think that is all. Sorry for it being so long, but like I said, its been 47 days. It most likely will be a while before I update again because I just haven't been able to get into LiveJournal lately.
Now I have a bit of a venting type thing to do. this summer is quickly shapping out to be my worst summer yet, including the summer when Christina was grounded. I've been spending a lot of time alone at home. I blame this on boys and what they have done to my girls. I've been writing my thoughts out as the days go on and now I am going to try and piece them together in a coherent way. I'm not even sure if the invilved parties will read this anytime soon, but it needs to be said and I hope that maybe they will know how I feel at the end of this. but as a warning, I need to say that I am not trying to bitch or be a bitch, I just need to say how I feel. I'm not even asking for people to pay attention to me, because if they don't want to then I don't want that attention.
I don’t know how to be assertive and tell people stuff to their face so here I am hiding behind LiveJournal again. I accepted long ago that I will never be to Lindsay and Jessica what they are to each other, but I guess I didn’t realize that I was so easily cast aside in their lives. I am sick and tired of being the one that everyone always goes to when they need someone. Its not a problem when its Elaine calling me a week in advanced to see if I can switched a Friday night for a Saturday morning, but when I am paranoid every time the phone rings that Hallmark is going to call me in because it happens to damn much, then there is a problem. I am not about to let my friends bully and take advantage of me simply because I want people to like me. And god, the way she said it to me on the phone. “You don’t have to baby-sit for Jennifer next week.” Um, how about asking if I don’t mind giving her next week to pay her phone bill. Remind me to never give out loans to friends. I get yelled at because I am too good of a friend to say no, but I realized tonight that no one is really a good friend to me. At least when it’s not convenient for them. I knew this summer was going to be different with Anthony in the picture, but this is not what I foresaw. I thought I would at least have Lindsay to hang out with. It turns out she is the one I see the least. Now that they both have boys to occupy their time, where does that leave me? Alone at home with my sisters. I’m only half joking when I call Katie my only friend. Jessica says I can call her if I want to hang out but the thing is, even when we do, its less then 10 minutes before boys come up and it makes me want to put my head through the walls. Lindsay makes it painstakingly clear that Mike comes before me, even though she doesn’t seem to want to admit it. Yesterday she called me to see if I wanted to go to t he mall with her. I missed the call by almost 2 hours because I was baking for my mom, but I called her back because I believe in phone ettiquite. She told me she was on her way to the mall when Mike called needing to get picked up from work so she was going to get him. She told me she would call me later. I knoew then not to hold my breath waiting for that call. I foolishly carried my phone around for almost an hour, but when my mom called and asked if I wanted to run someerrands with her, I jumped on the chance to get out of the house. I'm still aiting on that call...
I just don’t get how some people can be such hypocrites and not see it. I keep thinking back to this journal entry by Lindsay back in January ( http://swimbaby1985.livejournal.com/13613.html). She was so upset with Jessica because she spent all of Christmas break with Anthony. We all talked it over and Jessica promised to be a better friend. Lindsay was convinced she would do the same thing all over again, and I have to admit I kind of thought so too, but I was willing to give her a chance. I never even thought Lindsay would be the one to abandon me for a boy. I haven’t talked to her since Cedar Point, except for the day she told me she was taking this week babysitting, and then yelled at me because I told her not to let it happen again. Then a few days later she says I can have the week back and when I say I can’t do Tuesday, she makes sure I can do Wednesday because its her mom’s birthday. Yeah, that’s it. For all I know she’s been with Mike every day. Actually I am pretty sure she has. I found out this past weekend that apparently she would rather see Mike again then hang out with me for a few hours. I know it was short notice but come on; you practically live with him now. Jessica isn’t much better. At least she made it to the movies on Sunday. I think its funny that I have talked to Christina more in the last two weeks, the girl that I have seen 4 or 5 times in the last year, more then I have talked to Lindsay or Jessica. Yeah, I know the calling thing goes both ways and if this bugs me so much I can just call them and see if they want to hang out. The thing is though that I am pretty sure they both would rather be with their boyfriends then with me, and the last thing I want to do is hang out with people who don’t really want to be hanging out with me. I guess I just want them to show me that they really are my friends, because right now I am feeling very shitty about myself. I feel like all I was to Lindsay is the person she was going to fill the Aaron void with. But now she has Mike and he actually wants to see her so the filler friend is unnecessary. Remember back in April when we talked about hanging out all summer, going to the beach in Grand Haven, having a good time together and all that. Ha, I don’t expect any of that to happen anymore. Becky and Laura want to go to Cedar Point later this summer and they want me to go. I’m excited. I like Laura and I think it will be fun to get out and hang around with people who don’t just take me for granted. Because that is exactly what Lindsay and Jessica are doing. I am always there for them when they need me. I drove Lindsay down to Indiana to see her Aunt and stay with Megan, but now my services are no longer needed. I was going to be her friend this summer when she guessed she wouldn’t have a lot of Jessica and now that she has Mike she doesn’t need me. Jessica is the same way. When we are at school, we are such great friends, but I never hear from her or see her when she has other friends around. I am so sick of being taken for granted. One day they will come looking for me and I won’t be there to help them out. I can’t wait for Julie to come home because I know that the Hallmark girls are going to get together for a little party thing. And Julie and I talked about taking a fun dance class or something together this summer and that will definitely give me something to do with my time.
Is it so much to ask to just be cared about. The bitter reality is starting to sink in lately that there is no one out there who really cares about me. I mean besides my parents. Lindsay and Jessica drop me the second something better comes into the room. I am only ever at best the second person on their minds. I don’t think they have any idea how lonely it is to be me. Even when I am with them, I am still only second best. Do they have any idea what it feels like to only be second to someone who you honestly care about so much that it brings you to tears just to think about? To constantly worry about what they are thinking about me and whether or not something I say or do will piss them off or make them hate me. To be so afraid to say what I am feeling because I feel like everyone is judging me as harshly as I judge myself. I know I’m not the only one with problems, but I feel so poorly about myself that it just makes me feel even worse when I think the people I care most about are judging me, or that they don’t really want me around. Is it too much to ask just to belong somewhere? When will I find the place that I fit in? I thought that I had that with Christina, but something happened there and we lost that amazing connection we had. I used to know her so well I could almost read her mind. Now I don’t even know her at all.
ok, I hope that was coherent. I was trying to put this in the best order, but it was hard. The same thoughts came up a couple of times.
In other news, I got a baby sitting job. the little girl is 9 months, well actualy probably 10 months by now. She's very cute and I get paid a decent amount. A lot more then Hallmark for sure! Hours have been shitty and I am sick of getting treated like crap, but theres' not much I can do about it.
We are having a big old shindig on the 24th for all the things goign on in my family this year. Dana and Julie, and my Hallmark girls, you are all welcome to come. Just ask for details if your interested.
I finished reading Wicked and for as hard as it was to get into at first, I couldn't put it down at the end.
I cleaned my room the other day. Like really well. I moved furniture and vacuumed behind it all. I also got rid of a bunch of stuff. I think I may paint my room a coffee color this summer, but I'm not sure. Becky and Katie are both getting their rooms done, so why not me?
I think that is all. Sorry for it being so long, but like I said, its been 47 days. It most likely will be a while before I update again because I just haven't been able to get into LiveJournal lately.