(no subject)
-Nano is so soon. I have an idea of what I'm doing, more so than usual but that doesn't mean I have a plot, and I'm afraid that the little bit of inspiration I have is going to dry up before I can really get started, that I'm going to wear myself out and that if I get a job I won't be able to balance anything at all. I don't know where all this freak out if coming from.
-Even though today I babysat and got some money, even though I'm making job progress and only using the internet for things that I need to be doing, I feel like I'm wasting time. I can't figure out what this is about.
-I haven't written in my journal in almost ten days, and even though this is normal, I feel really bad about it. And I only seem to write when I feel like shit. (oh hey, my RL journal mirrors this one!)
-I have really bad hiccups. Normally I get a few, randomly, and then they stop. These ones are longer and different and I think it has something to do with the altitude. But why the change now, a month after we moved.
-it's been a month since we moved, by the way. This is surreal. I have my own room. This is a relief.
-In my stressing out over money and taking care of myself and (ironically) NaNoWriMo and some other things I can't put my finger on, I don't feel like I'm following any of my passions. More like, I can't figure out what they are, now that I'm in a new place.
-I think I saw Portland as a place to re-define myself. Like I would start having this epic life immediately, where I wouldn't be shy or easily overwhelmed or self-conscious or whatever it is. I knew I was going to do this, that I was going to expect everything to be perfect and magical here. I stopped it from getting to the point that it could have gotten to, but it's still pretty suck.
-I'm still not done figuring out where things go in my room. This means that everything I own that doesn't happen to be clothes or books is on my floor.
-I still haven't gotten all the music I want on this iPod, I can't remember what I had on my old one, and I don't have enough room for everything anyway.
-I can't find the copy of The Sandman that I checked out from the library. AAARGH. I thought I returned it right after I finished it, which was I believe the day after I checked it out. I just found out that it's due really soon. Oh no.
-I have epic plans for Halloween but I don't have any money to actually make most of it possible, and in the process of doing this I'm missing out on the NaNo kick off party, which is at someone's house, is hosted by Nicole, and involves lots of food and candy and coffee, epic Portlanders writing until dawn (like, some people get there by public transit and then leaving when it starts up again, which is about 5.) and past it, and comfy chairs and IT WOULD BE MY FIRST KICK OFF AND NICOLE WOULD BE THERE SO I WOULDN'T BE SHY FOR LONG AND AND AND. I am clearly more upset about missing this than I thought I would be.
-I fell asleep on the phone around 10, for about 5 minutes. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep but I knew I shouldn't and I needed to check to see if I had any important e-mails (which I don't, which sucks), so I stayed up. Even though I was feeling weird and needy and I knew I couldn't call Cassia or Zephyr because they went to sleep and now, it's almost 1:45 and I'm wildly awake and my head is starting to throb and I don't know what's wrong.
-I don't have hiccups anymore.
-I really fucking love Amanda Palmer. I couldn't deal with this if I didn't have her to listen to.
-I'm ending this now, because I don't have any real point except to mope a little. I don't even feel that bad, because I don't really have any reason to feel bad, so instead I'm just grey. Pleh.
-Even though today I babysat and got some money, even though I'm making job progress and only using the internet for things that I need to be doing, I feel like I'm wasting time. I can't figure out what this is about.
-I haven't written in my journal in almost ten days, and even though this is normal, I feel really bad about it. And I only seem to write when I feel like shit. (oh hey, my RL journal mirrors this one!)
-I have really bad hiccups. Normally I get a few, randomly, and then they stop. These ones are longer and different and I think it has something to do with the altitude. But why the change now, a month after we moved.
-it's been a month since we moved, by the way. This is surreal. I have my own room. This is a relief.
-In my stressing out over money and taking care of myself and (ironically) NaNoWriMo and some other things I can't put my finger on, I don't feel like I'm following any of my passions. More like, I can't figure out what they are, now that I'm in a new place.
-I think I saw Portland as a place to re-define myself. Like I would start having this epic life immediately, where I wouldn't be shy or easily overwhelmed or self-conscious or whatever it is. I knew I was going to do this, that I was going to expect everything to be perfect and magical here. I stopped it from getting to the point that it could have gotten to, but it's still pretty suck.
-I'm still not done figuring out where things go in my room. This means that everything I own that doesn't happen to be clothes or books is on my floor.
-I still haven't gotten all the music I want on this iPod, I can't remember what I had on my old one, and I don't have enough room for everything anyway.
-I can't find the copy of The Sandman that I checked out from the library. AAARGH. I thought I returned it right after I finished it, which was I believe the day after I checked it out. I just found out that it's due really soon. Oh no.
-I have epic plans for Halloween but I don't have any money to actually make most of it possible, and in the process of doing this I'm missing out on the NaNo kick off party, which is at someone's house, is hosted by Nicole, and involves lots of food and candy and coffee, epic Portlanders writing until dawn (like, some people get there by public transit and then leaving when it starts up again, which is about 5.) and past it, and comfy chairs and IT WOULD BE MY FIRST KICK OFF AND NICOLE WOULD BE THERE SO I WOULDN'T BE SHY FOR LONG AND AND AND. I am clearly more upset about missing this than I thought I would be.
-I fell asleep on the phone around 10, for about 5 minutes. I was exhausted. All I wanted to do was go back to sleep but I knew I shouldn't and I needed to check to see if I had any important e-mails (which I don't, which sucks), so I stayed up. Even though I was feeling weird and needy and I knew I couldn't call Cassia or Zephyr because they went to sleep and now, it's almost 1:45 and I'm wildly awake and my head is starting to throb and I don't know what's wrong.
-I don't have hiccups anymore.
-I really fucking love Amanda Palmer. I couldn't deal with this if I didn't have her to listen to.
-I'm ending this now, because I don't have any real point except to mope a little. I don't even feel that bad, because I don't really have any reason to feel bad, so instead I'm just grey. Pleh.