(no subject)
i stand in an overflowing shower, thinking of all the things that have happened last night. the crying, the holding, the going away and coming back of it all. i refuse to let the fact that he treats me like shit sink in. i want to hold on to the shred of truth that our relationship has become. he told a girl, my friend, that he wanted to hold her. that he wanted to call her his. that he wanted nothing more than to be with her and "be happy for once." i thought he was happy. i ask him why he did it. he says "because i can." "because, amber, i'm a flirty guy." i tell him that saying those things is taking it a step beyond flirting. i ask about specific parts of the letter, only upsetting him more and furthering my idea that i'm probably an emotional masochist. he tells me he doesnt remember half of it. that it's all a blur. blame it on the alcohol/weed/schizo, it doesnt matter. he still did it. he said "i met her before you, amber." im shaking by this point. i feel like shit. my makeup is all over my face and not at all in any place it should be. he reaches his arms around me and pulls me close and says "i love you so much." i can't say anything back. he starts to giggle and poke at me, as if to play and forget everything that has happened. i don't know what to do anymore. i shrugged it off the first time. i'd made mistakes. and we hadn't been together long. he told me he didnt realize how much he cared about me. i just don't understand any of it. i want to quit this life ive been given and begin again with a new one. just once, i want to be just...content.