Your BF edit!keppiehedAugust 28 2013, 11:41:24 UTC
Hello! I'm one of your editors this week.
First of all, I'd like to say that I enjoyed the subject of the poem. It is innocent and cute, so that was a good choice for the style.
There were some problem with the punctuation and grammar. Many people are unsure about those things when it comes to poetry. You have some leeway--more than you do with traditional prose--but you should still bear in mind the basic rules and allow those to guide you. When you have a lot of fragments, such as:
Mating song is so pretty and soothing reminder of innocent times.
Even just that missing article, a, makes this part feel a little unfinished, and for no reason. There are quite a few places in this that lack that sort of polish. You could go through and add in the missing words that would round off the feel of this poem nicely.
Another point is to watch for comma splices. Here you chose the lines:
Toads dug up in the spring, oops not quite ready to wake up.
A little bit of punctuation could give you some panache. For example:
Toads dug up in the spring. Oops! Not quite ready to wake up.
In this example, you didn't have to cut or even add anything. I think that you need to carefully consider that in every line here. Punctuation is half the work of poetry.
Otherwise, I think this is a nice ode to seasonal verse. It is almost like a peaceful extended haiku, which is much undervalued, but which I appreciate. Thank you for sharing, and please keep writing!
First of all, I'd like to say that I enjoyed the subject of the poem. It is innocent and cute, so that was a good choice for the style.
There were some problem with the punctuation and grammar. Many people are unsure about those things when it comes to poetry. You have some leeway--more than you do with traditional prose--but you should still bear in mind the basic rules and allow those to guide you. When you have a lot of fragments, such as:
Mating song is so pretty and soothing
reminder of innocent times.
Even just that missing article, a, makes this part feel a little unfinished, and for no reason. There are quite a few places in this that lack that sort of polish. You could go through and add in the missing words that would round off the feel of this poem nicely.
Another point is to watch for comma splices. Here you chose the lines:
Toads dug up in the spring,
oops not quite ready to wake up.
A little bit of punctuation could give you some panache. For example:
Toads dug up in the spring.
Oops! Not quite ready to wake up.
In this example, you didn't have to cut or even add anything. I think that you need to carefully consider that in every line here. Punctuation is half the work of poetry.
Otherwise, I think this is a nice ode to seasonal verse. It is almost like a peaceful extended haiku, which is much undervalued, but which I appreciate. Thank you for sharing, and please keep writing!
Reply
Leave a comment