prompt:sunflower
It grew on the grassy outer slope of the sandpit, on the edge of the road near the fox den. In her whole 10 years she had never seen one in real life, just in pictures. It was as tall as she was with a stem as thick as her wrist. The head was bigger than hers and it shone bright with the sun behind, highlighting the golden petals so they appeared
( Read more... )
You have provided a lovely description of this child's happy inner world, without actually describing her - just by giving us this scene. That is very good. I have a couple of 'picky' points to make:
1. You have neither indented paragraphs, not set them off with a line in between one paragraph and the next (the 'block' style). I recommend you do one or the other.
2. you wrote: "it shone bright with the sun behind...." The reason behind these flowers' name is the way they follow the sun. That means the sun would not be shining behind the flowerhead as the flowerhead would be facing the sun.
3. I recommend you take a closer look at some of the punctuation.
For example, you wrote: "Sunflower, it immediately held magic for her." This should be: Sunflower: it immediately held magic for her.
Similarly, you wrote: "It was already far too late in the season to try that year, her mother said...." This should be: It was already far too late in the season to try that year; her mother said...."
Try to avoid using commas where a semi-colon or colon are needed.
4. you wrote: "the potoatos, carrots, corn, lettuce...." There is a typo (potato)
I hope these comments have been helpful! I did really enjoy this ficlet; the child's vision holds true and I really like the way the flowers grow tall one year and spread out the next.
Reply
Leave a comment