summer blues
this summer has been the worst of my life, I think. I'm at Kanakuk, and it's fun. I'm getting to know the other cooks and kitchies, and we're all good friends. I feel like we're a team! It's really cool, and it makes working a little easier. But, then there's this guy who works in the kitchen and makes us all really uncomfortable. Ick. I don't like him. He rubs me the wrong way...literally. Anyway, hopefully someone will eventually deal with the situation. Then there's Clark. I don't even know what to say. Or how to describe it. It seems like I just can't be in a relationship that works. Nothing happened. Not like with Kevin and Nathan. We didn't overstep any boundaries, and it [was] the best relationship I've ever been in (please don't criticize me for being cliche). Anyway, I think I was putting too much pressure on myself and telling myself I had to make it work because we were getting serious. I liked it, it was so much fun, we were praising the Lord together and just being happy together. But, the pressure I put on myself was too much. We broke up last Sunday (one of my days off). It was good, though. I really felt at peace about it, I felt like I was doing what the Lord wanted me to, which was what I needed to do. Then we talked on the phone last night, and it went really badly. He was fine. He's so patient, I don't understand it. But I was getting upset over every little thing--things he said, things I said, did, I was getting upset over the way I reacted to things. It was so ridiculous. I'm trying to "give it up" to the Lord, even though I still don't really understand what exactly that means. I'm asking for his guidance, but part of me just wants to push it all aside and forget about it, the relationship. But I don't want to do that because that's ridiculous. I don't want to push something so wonderful away. I know, if it's God's will that we be together, we will be. But I don't want to make it longer or harder than it has to be. At the same time, I feel that by not pushing him away, I'm making it harder on myself. Where is the happy medium, here?? I've always been like this--from one extreme to the other. I've always wanted all or nothing--in most cases, anyway. I'm so confused and lost, and I feel miserable half the time. I know I haven't "ruined" anything, but I feel like I have. I feel like there can never be anything good between us again, and I want God to restore me, to restore my heart, so that I won't feel like this anymore, but I need to be patient. I need to trust in Him to work in me and carry out His will for my life, whatever that may be. I'm scared, of making a wrong move and missing out on something so wonderful...then again, I'm just scared of doing something wrong in general. Oh, goodness. I am a headcase. Really, I just want to be at peace within myself. I'm restless all the time now, and I hate it. Lord, please give me rest! Please.