(no subject)
I don't know what to do at the moment, i went back to college on friday and all was well and good, happy that i've started to chip away at my avoidance and fears. All should be well in the land of Gem, but tis' not i'm afraid.
You get back, settle in, and you're faced with triggers every where. Kerry Ann talking about her "fat day" so she's wearing bulky clothing, i was heavily b/ping recently and gained - every day feels like a fat day even when i'm restricting and wanting to die =_= I'm always FAT. And then they comment about her weight loss, and that she should be happy about losing the 3 pounds in a week. Gosh. If she's not happy with it. ARG IT IS MIND BOGGLING. I worry about her though, even though she isn't underweight it worries me.
And ED thoughts in the back of my mind sparked again. Why do i want to compete? it makes no sense. Was the same last year when we all went New York for a trip, i had to do more walking than everyone, had to take more photos, had to do more work, had to have more fun and find more fun things. Yet, i'm not a nasty person intentionally? for some reason in my mind me being competive = nasty as you're trying to beat someone at something..
Part of me really wants to go all out right now and lose the weight i gained, then i'd be at peace. But that'd just be undoing things that i've been trying to fix.. god i hate thinking at times.
3 or 4 pounds this week if possible, it'll be okay, i won't feel like a failure if i can just.. not feel like i'm behind her.. god i hate this.
Did an hour and half of intervals, 10 minutes of dancing. Will be walking to college and back. Maybe some jump rope and dance when i get home. Aiming to burn 1000 today at the very least.