(no subject)

[dance_dive_life]

all of this time, i just sit here and wonder .. why me? why does god want me to be so unhappy? what did i do to deserve this? i feel like im trying soo hard to be good, and im jsut getting punished. my eyes hurt from crying, my head hurts from thinking about it, my lungs hurt from breathing. mabye i should just put myself out of this misery and watch all of my friends from above, or below, or where ever i go .. all i do is cause drama, inconvience people, and cause myself pain .. its just hard for anyone to comprehend my life - and although it may seem like i have it together - im a complete mess. its been said that if you cry more than 3 days a week you are clinically depressed. well what does that make me? clinically insanly depressed? well i dont want to be. i dont want to be me. i wish i could trade with someone, or start my life over - not necessisarily to make better decisions, but just so i can not be so unhappy .. just not be me. i feel like me is never good enough. and im sick of it. sick to death. literally. and it scares me that im thinking like that, because i dont want to - but what choice do i have? ive never felt like this before - so alone and so scared with no one to run to .. no one to holdd me while im crying and say "marissa, your going to be fine! im here for you, i love you." and im scared for myself. im scared ill do something i regret. ever since ive been grounded, ive been thinking about that damn bottle, and how much i wish i could have it all - but im scared .. scared that ill survive and be fucked up - and id rather be dead than fucked up for the rest of my life. oh my god, my head is throbbing .. im so sick of crying. i feel like i shouldnt have anymore tears, but somehow i do - they jsut keep coming. i want to run, but i have no where to go - i want to dance, but i have no one to watch me .. i just dont know what to do .. i have no one to help me .. and im scared. for my life. for my friends and what theyll think and what theyll say afterwards. i dont want to hurt them - they are the only ones that care for me .. i dont want them to feel the pain of lonliness and saddness that i do .. in a different way - but still the feeling of loss .. i just cant bring myself to want to be here any longer .. and im still so, so scared.

if i dont wake up, thank you for everything you all have done for me .. without you, i would have never had the times that i did .. and i thank you for being my friends. i love you all. ill see you soon.

♥ marissa lynne