it feels like i have been stabbed in the chest

[dancalicious04]

ok well recently i found out that i can be selfish.i really didnt know that i was acting like that i seriously didnt.and i asked one of my good friends if i seriously act that selfish which i shouldnt have asked b/c the reply was yes you can be pretty selfish and that is saying yea you are a selfish person all the time and to think that im a selfish person and my friends see that just make me so sad.and i just think do they talk among themselves behing my back about me being selfish and then act like they are my best friends. i shouldnt have to ask friends if i am being selfish they should be able to come to me and tell me.maybe if i was told i could try and fix my f*ing screw up. and maybe i am selfish b/c im always doing stuff for other people and trying to do things to make them happy my friends might not see that but i do maybe not so much at school but i help people with their problems and try to put them in a happier mood but obviousley i just put my friends in pissy moods and i just dont know what to do b/c im always trying to change.im one of those people that speak their minds and people cant handle that.i am a screw up b/c things just keep going downhill and it sucks.the guy i have gotten very deep feelings for is going to move b/c thats how its going to happen and that sucks for the both of us but with that and all this crap im just getting back into my depression. yeah maybe i can be selfish sometimes but why do they see only that and not that i do stuff for others and not just myself you know its not always about me. i do lots of good things even if i dont want to. im going to stop b/c im just getting in a bad mood b/c i know that even if i say srry for my actions they arnt just going to let it go with an "its alright" it will be held against me maybe i dont know ive had it happen,ok maybe not held against me but remembered and more watched out for now.i dont think i am meant to have friends.i think maybe the only people that understand me are 2 people and my mom.

p.s-
dont you even say i was being selfish in this entry b/c its my f*ing journal and im supposed to write about me and whats happening in my life. i dont want to hear or have people say im being selfish b/c that is one thing im going to be working on ok and if you cant give me a chance or have hope that i might actually be doing stuff for the sake of others than maybe you arnt my friend and this doesnt go to the people that pointed it out to me im talking about people in the future that dont give chances

here is part of the song im listening to to show you how im feeling-

I tried to be perfect, tried to be honest
Tried to be everything that you ever wanted
I tried to be stronger, tried to be smarter