Feeling like writing...

[danbryan1]

I took the day off today to wait for some furniture to be delivered. Today is one month since Mom died. In general I am feeling better most days and trying to put things in perspective. Today, was not one of those days. I just finished thirty minutes of crying because I was listening to some of the songs that remind me of Mom and I realized I can't feel her spirit or presence with me. It terrifies me to think that she is completely gone. I thought i would be able to still feel her near me or with me, comforting me in some way. The absence of that feeling is the loneliest feeling in the world to me. I had to shut off her cell phone today. That sucked. I was scrolling through it and looking at pics. I also had to call some of her creditors to start settling up the estate. I am tired of telling strangers that she is dead and them feigning some sort of fake sympathy. I want to scream.

Well, about this time one month ago, my Aunt held the phone up to my Mom's ear and I told her I loved her, I missed her, I wished she was at peace. At 7:40pm, she passed away. I try to hold out hope that she could hear and understand me but I don't know that for sure. I remember the last lucid conversation she and i had and she was crying and told me that I was the only person who she called "home". My guilt is unbearable at times for the drastic steps I had ot take to get her to move to Alabama. I feel like I have no right to grieve when I was so short sighted and such an uncaring person to not see that her mental instability was something that was so petty and meaningless now that she is gone forever.

I have to go pick up Dan now.