I started a joke… It started the whole world crying.
Originally published at In this life ridiculous.... Please leave any comments there.
I feel like my life is a joke! One huge joke that everyone but me gets. Could someone please explain it to me? It’s over my head.
So the past few weeks I’ve had a really down time.. I’ve been sick, had some more bad news about two family members, felt insignificant at work and completely broken down twice. Right now, this moment I lay in bed considering what is happening to me, my life so far has been quite a roller coaster which I am proud to say I survived; but now; its like I’ve reached the last bump and am about to come crashing down to the exit gate.
I feel lost right now, I don’t feel like I have a direction and it really scares me; Growing up I knew my direction, even though it might have been a bad direction; I knew I was just going to get sicker… none the less it was a direction which I knew. Now, I’m healthy and I feel like I can’t see which way I am going. Its all very metaphorical.. but its the truth and it scares me.
Friends: I am feeling like I no longer have a support base around me, that network I would use to have to laugh with, cry with.. all those things. I have no one to blame but myself; I am a very hard person to get along with despite myself always believing I was a happy go lucky guy who could make friends with anyone, I find myself being grumpy, bitchy and rude to people and this really makes me feel worse about who I am as a person.
Work: I’ve worked where I am at the moment for a year and a half; I absolutely love all the people I work with, but the job its self is not inspiring me anymore. I don’t know what to do on this front; I don’t want to give up this opportunity I have been given, working in an industry I like with people I love, but like my life itself I can’t see where it is going; I need to find that direction. The stress really is getting to me, and that brings me to my next point.
Health: I’ve been knocked about with a cold/fluy type thing for the past 3 weeks, and whilst I’m completely used to being sick; I feel like this has causes the other elements of my life to go down with it… Work is stressful and health and work are playing of each other really badly. I don’t know anymore.
Love: Nothing to be said here, There have been a couple of potentials and then I ruin it by clouding my judgment, nit picking every small thing about someone, or believing I don’t deserve them. At the moment I really feel like I deserve nothing.
Whoa I’ve wrote to much, I guess the reason I write in this blog is just to express what I’m feeling… but secretly I wish I could get advice or help from someone; anyone. I wonder if that’ll ever happen. I’m too pessimistic.
If you’re still reading my now; Thank you.
Good night.
db
xo