Time for the Bi-Monthly Post...
So I've been going at a pretty break-neck pace for the past two weeks or so, and I'm finally getting a chance to relax before the shit storm starts up again. Over the break, my friend Tony came down from Minnesota to visit, and man, did we have an awesome time. The first night he was here we ended up getting so drunk that Tony was hanging over my balcony screaming at two Brazillian girls in broken Spanglish, and we ended up having to pull him back over and restrain him. That night's sexcapades are better off not being spoken of ever again, but suffice it to say that I don't think we'll be hearing from Chris's cousin ever again...which is great because she damn near burned my apartment down, and spent most of the night dropping the N-bomb to anybody walking by at the top of her lungs.
The next night, Tony and I made our way to Athens and partied at Mike's new house (which is awesome by the way, it really kicks ass, go defile it if you get the chance) to hang out with Mike, AJ, and Stephanie, who was in town for the weekend. We played many a round of super-duper-beer-pong, which kicked all of our asses (GO DREAM TEAM!!) Most of the next day was spent recuperating, which didn't do much good, because I believe at least three days are required to recover from THAT much beer. On Sunday Tony and I got in the car and drove down to Orlando, where my folks had rented us a two bedroom condo for four days. It was so amazing, I can't even begin to describe the great time we had there. We walked around all of the theme parks until we physically couldn't walk any more, we at sushi until we burst, we went down to the hot tub after hours and drank until security had to escort us out. On the last night we were there, Tony even jumped off of a fifteen foot high waterfall into the pool (pictures should be on the way soon) which was only four feet deep, nearly breaking his legs. It was just pure awesome.
Ugh, but now I'm back, and I started school yesterday. My new classes should be pretty fun. I'm taking a public speaking class, which I'm nervous as hell about, but it should be alright as most of the other kids in the class are just as nervous as I am, if not more so. I'm also taking a film studies class with the same teacher, which should be a breeze, but I'm hoping that it's at least a little bit challenging. The other class, well, I'll not speak of that. I'm probably going to hate it if the first class was any indication of what's to come. But oh well, can't like all of your classes, can you?
So now that the pace has ground to a halt, I've got time to sit around and think about weird shit again. I don't know if it's just that Tony's gone and I'm alone again, but I've been feeling really anxious lately, and not the good kind of anxious. I'm starting to wonder if getting off of my meds was such a good idea, even though it's been over eight months. Sometimes it just feels like I've got nothing good going on in my life, and the loneliness really starts getting to me. Even when I'm with a whole bunch of people and I'm doing things that I love, it just feels like momentary respites from the dark cloud that seems to be lurking near my head. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was last year, but sometimes I feel like things are getting to be too much, like a little monster's clawing at the door, trying to get back in, and I'm slowly losing the battle. I really wish there was some quick, easy fix, some button I could push to make everything alright. I wish there was something tangible I could point my finger at and say "there, that's the problem". I wish I had somebody in my life that I could fall completely in love with again before I could fuck it all up with my paranoia and second guessing. I wish I could make some new friends, that were REALLY friends, and not just people from school that I hang out with occasionally. I know there's no good explanation of why I feel the way I do, there's been no major tragedy in my life, I've had things really freakin' easy by any standards. The only thing I can come up with is that somewhere in my subconscious I'm self-imposing this guilt and these horrible feelings to compensate for having it so easy. I don't know why I have to make myself suffer the way I do, and I wish I could stop it, but that's a lot of money and a lot of therapy sessions that I don't want to go to.
Alright, now that that's done with, I can get to the more serious stuff...kidding. I guess I'll leave this one on a quote, 'cause why the hell not?
"People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown." - Chuck Palahniuk (a.k.a. The Man)
Chew on that one kiddies. G'night for now.
The next night, Tony and I made our way to Athens and partied at Mike's new house (which is awesome by the way, it really kicks ass, go defile it if you get the chance) to hang out with Mike, AJ, and Stephanie, who was in town for the weekend. We played many a round of super-duper-beer-pong, which kicked all of our asses (GO DREAM TEAM!!) Most of the next day was spent recuperating, which didn't do much good, because I believe at least three days are required to recover from THAT much beer. On Sunday Tony and I got in the car and drove down to Orlando, where my folks had rented us a two bedroom condo for four days. It was so amazing, I can't even begin to describe the great time we had there. We walked around all of the theme parks until we physically couldn't walk any more, we at sushi until we burst, we went down to the hot tub after hours and drank until security had to escort us out. On the last night we were there, Tony even jumped off of a fifteen foot high waterfall into the pool (pictures should be on the way soon) which was only four feet deep, nearly breaking his legs. It was just pure awesome.
Ugh, but now I'm back, and I started school yesterday. My new classes should be pretty fun. I'm taking a public speaking class, which I'm nervous as hell about, but it should be alright as most of the other kids in the class are just as nervous as I am, if not more so. I'm also taking a film studies class with the same teacher, which should be a breeze, but I'm hoping that it's at least a little bit challenging. The other class, well, I'll not speak of that. I'm probably going to hate it if the first class was any indication of what's to come. But oh well, can't like all of your classes, can you?
So now that the pace has ground to a halt, I've got time to sit around and think about weird shit again. I don't know if it's just that Tony's gone and I'm alone again, but I've been feeling really anxious lately, and not the good kind of anxious. I'm starting to wonder if getting off of my meds was such a good idea, even though it's been over eight months. Sometimes it just feels like I've got nothing good going on in my life, and the loneliness really starts getting to me. Even when I'm with a whole bunch of people and I'm doing things that I love, it just feels like momentary respites from the dark cloud that seems to be lurking near my head. I'm nowhere near as depressed as I was last year, but sometimes I feel like things are getting to be too much, like a little monster's clawing at the door, trying to get back in, and I'm slowly losing the battle. I really wish there was some quick, easy fix, some button I could push to make everything alright. I wish there was something tangible I could point my finger at and say "there, that's the problem". I wish I had somebody in my life that I could fall completely in love with again before I could fuck it all up with my paranoia and second guessing. I wish I could make some new friends, that were REALLY friends, and not just people from school that I hang out with occasionally. I know there's no good explanation of why I feel the way I do, there's been no major tragedy in my life, I've had things really freakin' easy by any standards. The only thing I can come up with is that somewhere in my subconscious I'm self-imposing this guilt and these horrible feelings to compensate for having it so easy. I don't know why I have to make myself suffer the way I do, and I wish I could stop it, but that's a lot of money and a lot of therapy sessions that I don't want to go to.
Alright, now that that's done with, I can get to the more serious stuff...kidding. I guess I'll leave this one on a quote, 'cause why the hell not?
"People don't want their lives fixed. Nobody wants their problems solved. Their dramas. Their distractions. Their stories resolved. Their messes cleaned up. Because what would they have left? Just the big scary unknown." - Chuck Palahniuk (a.k.a. The Man)
Chew on that one kiddies. G'night for now.