Where am I going?!
What am I doing with myself. I'm sitting in front of a computer I've sat in front of for 5 years now...I'm writing in the same live journal I've had since...well, since not too long ago...but a couple years now. It's a fucking friday, and somewhere, on a piece of property I'm not allowed to set foot on, people who I once thought of as friends...as lovers...are having the greatest years of their lives.......
Years I've already lived. Days that have already passed by so fast and so suredly that even my most vivid moments of clarity cannot recall all the bitter and sweet and wonderful and painful and sad and beautiful memories that supposedly exist.
I think about the future...I'm trying to see myself 5 years down the road...ten...twenty...
Each time I try to think about it...I don't get very far.
I can't see a future I want. I can't see a time or a place or an existence. Some people tell me it's that out of college slump that so many people fall pray to. It's just "growing up" my mother tells me. It'll "all come around eventually..." All this new rock bullshit uses that line over and over...it'll all come around eventually...oh baby don't leave me/set your mind free WHATEVER!
My aunt died yesterday...Aunt Mary. Grandma is really sad...
I don't know where I am going. I don't know if I'm going anywhere. If I'll ever get anywhere. I just look in the mirror, and I lose hope, and I sit down to think about it and I just make everything worse and everyone says "hey Dan, I'm here if you need me" and then I try to talk about how I feel and they all say the same thing and none of you know ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR WHO I AM OR HOW I WORK AND NOBODY WILL EVER EVER FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT and I'm always going to be alone, even when I'm not....
Which is how I feel right now. And I shouldn't, because I'm not.
But I am.
And I always will be...not that always is going to be that long anyways.
But maybe it will be...
Which is probably worse.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!?!?!?!?!
Years I've already lived. Days that have already passed by so fast and so suredly that even my most vivid moments of clarity cannot recall all the bitter and sweet and wonderful and painful and sad and beautiful memories that supposedly exist.
I think about the future...I'm trying to see myself 5 years down the road...ten...twenty...
Each time I try to think about it...I don't get very far.
I can't see a future I want. I can't see a time or a place or an existence. Some people tell me it's that out of college slump that so many people fall pray to. It's just "growing up" my mother tells me. It'll "all come around eventually..." All this new rock bullshit uses that line over and over...it'll all come around eventually...oh baby don't leave me/set your mind free WHATEVER!
My aunt died yesterday...Aunt Mary. Grandma is really sad...
I don't know where I am going. I don't know if I'm going anywhere. If I'll ever get anywhere. I just look in the mirror, and I lose hope, and I sit down to think about it and I just make everything worse and everyone says "hey Dan, I'm here if you need me" and then I try to talk about how I feel and they all say the same thing and none of you know ANYTHING ABOUT ME OR WHO I AM OR HOW I WORK AND NOBODY WILL EVER EVER FUCKING FIGURE IT OUT and I'm always going to be alone, even when I'm not....
Which is how I feel right now. And I shouldn't, because I'm not.
But I am.
And I always will be...not that always is going to be that long anyways.
But maybe it will be...
Which is probably worse.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I?!?!?!?!?!