(no subject)
I felt a lot better after writing my last post, that I figure I'd try the whole writing thing once more.
Sometimes I think it would feel so good just to my own little hole insulated from any and all emotional connection, just distance myself from everything that makes me feel uncomfortable or sad at times. It's just a reactionary feeling, but I feel that way every once and a while. But the thing is, I'm never much good with myself; I'm never much good for myself. I understand now, what a friend of mine once told me when we were discussing what it meant to be extroverted vs. introverted. That is, to be extroverted means to get one's energy from being surrounded by others to relate to. That pretty much defines me. My motivation, my energy, my creativity, my love, all comes from being with other people. In this light, shutting myself off emotionally seems pretty impossible, but it also helps explain my inability to back away in the first place.
Last night I saw Bergie and Stephen. I've always felt awkwardness between me and Stephen, so that was nothing new. Bergie is like an impenetrable rock sometimes, always really. I really care about him and I admire and respect him so much, but he's just so shut off emotionally it makes me feel helpless. When i first saw him after I got back from mexico, we didn't even hug, just pumped fists...*sigh*. I LOVE hugs, I hug everyone (when it's not too awkward)! I listened to him play guitar for a little while, and it reminded me of how much I appreciate the opportunity to play with him and experience his musical gift. I really hope we can continue our musical relationship.
My housemates are AWESOME! I LOVE them! The house is pretty sweet, but getting to hang out with my housemates and get to know them better is so much fun. I didn't really know a lot of them very well before we moved in together, but now we are getting to be great friends. And I get to listen to Sine practice guitar, and she writes such beautiful music. Last night we sat out on the front porch while she played guitar. It was such a tranquil, happy experience...
Sometimes I think it would feel so good just to my own little hole insulated from any and all emotional connection, just distance myself from everything that makes me feel uncomfortable or sad at times. It's just a reactionary feeling, but I feel that way every once and a while. But the thing is, I'm never much good with myself; I'm never much good for myself. I understand now, what a friend of mine once told me when we were discussing what it meant to be extroverted vs. introverted. That is, to be extroverted means to get one's energy from being surrounded by others to relate to. That pretty much defines me. My motivation, my energy, my creativity, my love, all comes from being with other people. In this light, shutting myself off emotionally seems pretty impossible, but it also helps explain my inability to back away in the first place.
Last night I saw Bergie and Stephen. I've always felt awkwardness between me and Stephen, so that was nothing new. Bergie is like an impenetrable rock sometimes, always really. I really care about him and I admire and respect him so much, but he's just so shut off emotionally it makes me feel helpless. When i first saw him after I got back from mexico, we didn't even hug, just pumped fists...*sigh*. I LOVE hugs, I hug everyone (when it's not too awkward)! I listened to him play guitar for a little while, and it reminded me of how much I appreciate the opportunity to play with him and experience his musical gift. I really hope we can continue our musical relationship.
My housemates are AWESOME! I LOVE them! The house is pretty sweet, but getting to hang out with my housemates and get to know them better is so much fun. I didn't really know a lot of them very well before we moved in together, but now we are getting to be great friends. And I get to listen to Sine practice guitar, and she writes such beautiful music. Last night we sat out on the front porch while she played guitar. It was such a tranquil, happy experience...