FIC: A Friendly Chat (humour, fluff, mild crack)
TITLE: A Friendly Chat
RATING: PG
FANDOM: A-Team movieverse
GENRE: Humour, slight crack
WARNINGS: Slight slash (F/M), language
SUMMARY: Hannibal calls Face and Murdock into his office for a chat. Unfortunately for them, they don't run screaming when they have the chance.
The silence was getting awkward now.
Really awkward.
Trying to do so as slowly as possible, just in case Colonels’ visions were based on movement, Murdock leaned to the right. “Face,” he whispered, eyes still trained on the man in front of him. “What’s he doing?”
In an identical Ikea office chair beside him, Face was staring in similar horror. “I think he’s trying to be fatherly.”
“Oh my god.”
“I know. Just stay calm.”
The sight before them was unexpected to say the least. Hannibal had called the two of them into his office, sounding casual enough that Face cursed himself now for not realising they were falling into a trap. Once they were inside and the door locked behind them (No way out! Face’s mind screamed), Hannibal had offered them both a seat and a drink before propping himself on the edge of his desk, leaning back with his hands in his pockets and smiling benevolently at the younger men. That’s when Face and Murdock realised they’d made a terrible mistake. This was no ordinary meeting. This was, oh god, one of Hannibal’s “man-to-man” chats. But by then, it was too late to run.
“So. Boys.” If Hannibal had noticed the recent terrified exchange between his men, he didn’t acknowledge it. He still had that unnatural expression on his face, like an alien had come to Earth, donned the skin of man and been taught to smile like a guidance counsellor. “How’s things?”
The faster they answered, the sooner they could leave.
“Great, Hannibal.”
“Couldn’t be better!”
Hannibal nodded happily and rocked back and forth slightly. If he tried any harder to appear casual, he’d slide right off the desk. “Good, good. Any news?”
Face and Murdock glanced at each other warily. Was this a set up? What did Hannibal know? What COULD he know? Sergeant Tulsoy’s bruises were nearly completely healed and they’d managed to cover the worst of the hole in the General’s office wall with a large ficus so that shouldn’t be it. BA wouldn’t have blabbed about the tank thing since they ended up replacing his ratchet set, and those chickens could have come from anywhere so no one could pin anything on them for that. Still. Murdock and Face had learned it was very dangerous to ever assume anything about what Hannibal did and did not know.
“News?” Face decided to play it safe. Safe and dumb. “No news, really.”
“The kitchen staff got a new cook last week,” offered Murdock helpfully. “He switched paprika brands. I like it.”
“Major Thompson’s gone on three weeks leave, back to Colorado,” continued Face. “His wife just had the baby.”
“A girl!” supplied Murdock. “Beautiful.”
“Lovely little girl,” confirmed Face. “Jessica.”
“Jessica Marie.”
“Jessica Marie. Born last Wednesday.” Face watched Hannibal’s face for reactions. He felt very off balance, like a dog who’d been entered into a show with no training. He really wanted to do the right thing, but he had no idea what that was. “So... That’s about it, really. For news.”
Hannibal listened patiently, nodding and smiling genially (about which Face and Murdock tried to suppress their shudders). “What about you boys?” he asked. “Any girls on the scene?”
Face tried not to imagine what Hannibal’s idea of their “scene” was. Murdock tried not to choke on his surprised inhalation at the unexpected question. Both were only moderately successful.
“Girls, sir?” asked Murdock a few moments later, trying to appear casual as Face clapped him on the back and his eyes watered.
“Uh, not really,” said Face, rubbing Murdock’s back as his friend recovered his breath. “I mean, here and there...”
“More there than here,” Murdock stressed, making a sweeping gesture that the others guessed was supposed to convey “anywhere but this office”.
“But, yeah. No girls, really.” Face removed his hand from Murdock and shifted uncomfortably. Where was this going? Oh god, if Hannibal tried to have the contraception talk with them again, Face was leaving the army. For real this time. He couldn’t endure another three weeks of Murdock sing-songing his own bastardisation of the Simpsons quote, “Dental dam! Lisa needs braces. Dental dam! Lisa needs braces.” No one could expect that of him.
“Boys.” Hannibal was looking at them knowingly now, eyes twinkling and grin twitching with glee. Murdock’s heart began to beat erratically. He hoped that, whatever was going on, there would be enough time flexibility to allow for a brief pause while he had a minor panic attack over it. “It’s okay. I know.”
Face and Murdock sagged. Glanced at each other ruefully. Then frowned.
“Wait, what?” asked Face. “What do you know?”
“I know about you two, son. It’s okay.”
Murdock was completely baffled. Hannibal was going to have to give them more to work with than that. “Is this about the thing with Lieutenant Fischer? Because honestly, we didn’t know about her solvent allergy, and she ended up having a big laugh with us about it after the swelling went down.”
Hannibal shook his head affectionately. “You two, Murdock. You and Face.”
The pair exchanged another bewildered look. “What about us two?” asked Face warily.
“I know about your feelings,” Hannibal explained generously. “It’s alright. I support you.”
Feelings? Face tightened his grip on the armrest of his chair. Oh god, this was not going to turn into a conversation about feelings. “What feelings?” he asked, dread settling into the bottom of his stomach.
“Your feelings for each other!”
What. The ever loving. Fuck.
“Well, yeah,” said Murdock cautiously, gorgeously and piteously optimistic. “I have feelings about Face. He’s my best friend. I have lots of best friend feelings for him. Good, good, friend-y feelings.”
Hannibal shook his head. “It’s okay,” he said earnestly. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. I’m here for you, one hundred percent, no matter who you love.”
Murdock shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, Hannibal.”
“If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Hannibal.”
“Don’t hide your love under a bushel, boys. Be proud!”
“Hannibal, stop.” Murdock struggled to prioritise some out of the many, many words he wanted to say. “We’re not... I’m happy for your support, but we’re... I mean, Face is clearly not... We’re not, uh, friends in, um, in that way.” If he hadn’t been so genuinely thrown, Murdock probably would have blushed. The capillaries in his cheeks just hadn’t caught up to the conversation yet.
“Yeah,” Face affirmed, wondering which bad deed he was being cosmically punished for. “Hannibal, I don’t know where you got that idea, but no. No.”
“Alright.” Hannibal shrugged with such casual agreeability that both boys tensed immediately. “I thought I saw something there, but I must have been mistaken.”
“Clearly,” said Face.
“What I took for jealousy, when Murdock saw you with that pretty new Corporal a couple of days ago, must have just been friendly interest.”
Oh sure, NOW Murdock’s cheeks catch up and remember how to flush.
“And Face, the other week when Murdock bruised a rib in that recon job he flew for Colonel Anders, you were just reacting out of concern for your teammate.”
Face coughed. “Well, yeah.”
“Threatening the Colonel with bodily harm if he, what was it? If he so much as thinks about using Murdock for one of his insane suicide missions again, well you were just looking out for the unit.”
“Of course.”
“Well then.” Hannibal nodded again. “I guess I was mistaken. I apologise boys. That’s all I wanted to see you about, so you can just kiss and you’re free to go.”
Okay, thank god, that was better than expe-
“What?”
“The fuck?”
Hannibal pulled out one of his omnipresent cigars, lighting it lazily as though he hadn’t just lost his mind. “Well,” he said around a plume of smoke, “I might be wrong. And I accept that. But I still see some tension between you two.”
Two jaws dropped. “Of course we’re tense!” Face nearly shouted. “You’re sitting there telling us you think we’re in love and we have to kiss. This is not a normal situation!”
“Yeah, bossman,” said Murdock in an attempt at a soothing tone. “If you really want us to relax, maybe you could unlock the door?”
“Now boys, there’s no reason to get upset,” Hannibal assured them, clearly lying through his cigar-clenching teeth. “I just don’t want there to be any unresolved issues between us, as a team. I think I’d feel much better about things if I knew you two had cleared the air.”
He was doing this to prepare them in the event of capture and psychological torture, Murdock decided. He had to be. “Hannibal, with all due respect, there’s no cloudiness between Face and me. We’re good. Clear as crystal, sir.”
“Okay,” Hannibal smiled. “Then you won’t mind having a little kiss. Come on, you can laugh about it later. Just humour an old romantic who wants to see his boys happy.”
“Oh for...” Face was opening his mouth to protest when he suddenly found it covered by Murdock’s.
The kiss was rough, awkward and over before Face realised what was happening. Murdock kept his lips pressed tightly together. It was more of a bumping of faces than a kiss.
“There,” said the pilot, settling back into his seat and trying to ignore the fresh wave of flush to his cheeks. “Can we go now?”
Hannibal stared, thrown for a moment. Then he shrugged. “Sure, you’re free to go,” he said, reaching into his pocket for the office keys. “I mean, if that’s what you call a kiss, fine. Be my guest. Sorry to have wasted your time.”
He was NOT going to goad them into anything. Not with something that transparent and childish.
“What are you talking about?” Face heard himself ask defensively.
“Well, I mean,” Hannibal twirled the keys around his finger absently. “I know I’m a bit older than you boys, but back in my day, we valued a little skill, a little finesse.” He shrugged again. “I guess priorities are different now. You don’t have to be good at it, you just have to do it a lot. Right Face?”
This wasn’t going to work. It was blatant and immature and it wasn’t going to work.
“No, I suppose I’m just old-fashioned,” Hannibal continued with a sigh. “These days, you don’t have to be able to keep one person happy for long, right? You don’t need that talent, that passion, when you’re hopping from one bed to the next. Keeping things fresh, right Face? Hell of a lot easier than worrying about technique. You boys are lucky.”
Okay, that’s it. Before Face’s reasoning skills, pushed out of the way by his rapidly-inflating pride, could scream at him that this was a terrible idea, he’d leaned across and grabbed Murdock by the shoulders. Pulling his friend towards him firmly, he captured Murdock’s mouth in an overpowering kiss.
His tongue swiped at Murdock’s lips before taking their startled slackness as an invitation. Face’s hand tangled in the pilot’s hair as he held him there, a shiver running down the conman’s spine as he felt Murdock belatedly respond. Both Rangers, both used to the softness and relative submissiveness of the fairer sex, each ceded nothing to the other. Tongues, lips and teeth battled and nipped in an equally-matched fight for dominance. The hand in Murdock’s hair became a fist, tugging just enough to be painful. Murdock pulled at Face’s jacket, gripping his arm hard enough to bruise. They breathed loudly through their noses, panting into each other’s mouths, unwilling to yield.
Eventually, they realised they were at a stalemate. Face wasn’t sure who pulled back first, only that they were staring at each other, still gripping one another tightly, eyes darkened with something terrifyingly base. In unspoken unison, still catching their breaths, their fingers slowly uncurled and they released one another.
Face turned to Hannibal defiantly, though he had a sinking feeling that he hadn’t just won that latest battle. “There. Skilful enough for you? Can we go now?”
Hannibal, god damn him, was the master of the shit-eating grin. “Of course.” He tossed Face the keys. Murdock, seeming incapable of speech, staggered with Face towards the door. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Clearly there’s no untoward tension between you two at all.”
“Oh shut up.”
FIN
RATING: PG
FANDOM: A-Team movieverse
GENRE: Humour, slight crack
WARNINGS: Slight slash (F/M), language
SUMMARY: Hannibal calls Face and Murdock into his office for a chat. Unfortunately for them, they don't run screaming when they have the chance.
The silence was getting awkward now.
Really awkward.
Trying to do so as slowly as possible, just in case Colonels’ visions were based on movement, Murdock leaned to the right. “Face,” he whispered, eyes still trained on the man in front of him. “What’s he doing?”
In an identical Ikea office chair beside him, Face was staring in similar horror. “I think he’s trying to be fatherly.”
“Oh my god.”
“I know. Just stay calm.”
The sight before them was unexpected to say the least. Hannibal had called the two of them into his office, sounding casual enough that Face cursed himself now for not realising they were falling into a trap. Once they were inside and the door locked behind them (No way out! Face’s mind screamed), Hannibal had offered them both a seat and a drink before propping himself on the edge of his desk, leaning back with his hands in his pockets and smiling benevolently at the younger men. That’s when Face and Murdock realised they’d made a terrible mistake. This was no ordinary meeting. This was, oh god, one of Hannibal’s “man-to-man” chats. But by then, it was too late to run.
“So. Boys.” If Hannibal had noticed the recent terrified exchange between his men, he didn’t acknowledge it. He still had that unnatural expression on his face, like an alien had come to Earth, donned the skin of man and been taught to smile like a guidance counsellor. “How’s things?”
The faster they answered, the sooner they could leave.
“Great, Hannibal.”
“Couldn’t be better!”
Hannibal nodded happily and rocked back and forth slightly. If he tried any harder to appear casual, he’d slide right off the desk. “Good, good. Any news?”
Face and Murdock glanced at each other warily. Was this a set up? What did Hannibal know? What COULD he know? Sergeant Tulsoy’s bruises were nearly completely healed and they’d managed to cover the worst of the hole in the General’s office wall with a large ficus so that shouldn’t be it. BA wouldn’t have blabbed about the tank thing since they ended up replacing his ratchet set, and those chickens could have come from anywhere so no one could pin anything on them for that. Still. Murdock and Face had learned it was very dangerous to ever assume anything about what Hannibal did and did not know.
“News?” Face decided to play it safe. Safe and dumb. “No news, really.”
“The kitchen staff got a new cook last week,” offered Murdock helpfully. “He switched paprika brands. I like it.”
“Major Thompson’s gone on three weeks leave, back to Colorado,” continued Face. “His wife just had the baby.”
“A girl!” supplied Murdock. “Beautiful.”
“Lovely little girl,” confirmed Face. “Jessica.”
“Jessica Marie.”
“Jessica Marie. Born last Wednesday.” Face watched Hannibal’s face for reactions. He felt very off balance, like a dog who’d been entered into a show with no training. He really wanted to do the right thing, but he had no idea what that was. “So... That’s about it, really. For news.”
Hannibal listened patiently, nodding and smiling genially (about which Face and Murdock tried to suppress their shudders). “What about you boys?” he asked. “Any girls on the scene?”
Face tried not to imagine what Hannibal’s idea of their “scene” was. Murdock tried not to choke on his surprised inhalation at the unexpected question. Both were only moderately successful.
“Girls, sir?” asked Murdock a few moments later, trying to appear casual as Face clapped him on the back and his eyes watered.
“Uh, not really,” said Face, rubbing Murdock’s back as his friend recovered his breath. “I mean, here and there...”
“More there than here,” Murdock stressed, making a sweeping gesture that the others guessed was supposed to convey “anywhere but this office”.
“But, yeah. No girls, really.” Face removed his hand from Murdock and shifted uncomfortably. Where was this going? Oh god, if Hannibal tried to have the contraception talk with them again, Face was leaving the army. For real this time. He couldn’t endure another three weeks of Murdock sing-songing his own bastardisation of the Simpsons quote, “Dental dam! Lisa needs braces. Dental dam! Lisa needs braces.” No one could expect that of him.
“Boys.” Hannibal was looking at them knowingly now, eyes twinkling and grin twitching with glee. Murdock’s heart began to beat erratically. He hoped that, whatever was going on, there would be enough time flexibility to allow for a brief pause while he had a minor panic attack over it. “It’s okay. I know.”
Face and Murdock sagged. Glanced at each other ruefully. Then frowned.
“Wait, what?” asked Face. “What do you know?”
“I know about you two, son. It’s okay.”
Murdock was completely baffled. Hannibal was going to have to give them more to work with than that. “Is this about the thing with Lieutenant Fischer? Because honestly, we didn’t know about her solvent allergy, and she ended up having a big laugh with us about it after the swelling went down.”
Hannibal shook his head affectionately. “You two, Murdock. You and Face.”
The pair exchanged another bewildered look. “What about us two?” asked Face warily.
“I know about your feelings,” Hannibal explained generously. “It’s alright. I support you.”
Feelings? Face tightened his grip on the armrest of his chair. Oh god, this was not going to turn into a conversation about feelings. “What feelings?” he asked, dread settling into the bottom of his stomach.
“Your feelings for each other!”
What. The ever loving. Fuck.
“Well, yeah,” said Murdock cautiously, gorgeously and piteously optimistic. “I have feelings about Face. He’s my best friend. I have lots of best friend feelings for him. Good, good, friend-y feelings.”
Hannibal shook his head. “It’s okay,” he said earnestly. “You don’t have to hide anything from me. I’m here for you, one hundred percent, no matter who you love.”
Murdock shifted uncomfortably. “Uh, Hannibal.”
“If you’re happy, I’m happy.”
“Hannibal.”
“Don’t hide your love under a bushel, boys. Be proud!”
“Hannibal, stop.” Murdock struggled to prioritise some out of the many, many words he wanted to say. “We’re not... I’m happy for your support, but we’re... I mean, Face is clearly not... We’re not, uh, friends in, um, in that way.” If he hadn’t been so genuinely thrown, Murdock probably would have blushed. The capillaries in his cheeks just hadn’t caught up to the conversation yet.
“Yeah,” Face affirmed, wondering which bad deed he was being cosmically punished for. “Hannibal, I don’t know where you got that idea, but no. No.”
“Alright.” Hannibal shrugged with such casual agreeability that both boys tensed immediately. “I thought I saw something there, but I must have been mistaken.”
“Clearly,” said Face.
“What I took for jealousy, when Murdock saw you with that pretty new Corporal a couple of days ago, must have just been friendly interest.”
Oh sure, NOW Murdock’s cheeks catch up and remember how to flush.
“And Face, the other week when Murdock bruised a rib in that recon job he flew for Colonel Anders, you were just reacting out of concern for your teammate.”
Face coughed. “Well, yeah.”
“Threatening the Colonel with bodily harm if he, what was it? If he so much as thinks about using Murdock for one of his insane suicide missions again, well you were just looking out for the unit.”
“Of course.”
“Well then.” Hannibal nodded again. “I guess I was mistaken. I apologise boys. That’s all I wanted to see you about, so you can just kiss and you’re free to go.”
Okay, thank god, that was better than expe-
“What?”
“The fuck?”
Hannibal pulled out one of his omnipresent cigars, lighting it lazily as though he hadn’t just lost his mind. “Well,” he said around a plume of smoke, “I might be wrong. And I accept that. But I still see some tension between you two.”
Two jaws dropped. “Of course we’re tense!” Face nearly shouted. “You’re sitting there telling us you think we’re in love and we have to kiss. This is not a normal situation!”
“Yeah, bossman,” said Murdock in an attempt at a soothing tone. “If you really want us to relax, maybe you could unlock the door?”
“Now boys, there’s no reason to get upset,” Hannibal assured them, clearly lying through his cigar-clenching teeth. “I just don’t want there to be any unresolved issues between us, as a team. I think I’d feel much better about things if I knew you two had cleared the air.”
He was doing this to prepare them in the event of capture and psychological torture, Murdock decided. He had to be. “Hannibal, with all due respect, there’s no cloudiness between Face and me. We’re good. Clear as crystal, sir.”
“Okay,” Hannibal smiled. “Then you won’t mind having a little kiss. Come on, you can laugh about it later. Just humour an old romantic who wants to see his boys happy.”
“Oh for...” Face was opening his mouth to protest when he suddenly found it covered by Murdock’s.
The kiss was rough, awkward and over before Face realised what was happening. Murdock kept his lips pressed tightly together. It was more of a bumping of faces than a kiss.
“There,” said the pilot, settling back into his seat and trying to ignore the fresh wave of flush to his cheeks. “Can we go now?”
Hannibal stared, thrown for a moment. Then he shrugged. “Sure, you’re free to go,” he said, reaching into his pocket for the office keys. “I mean, if that’s what you call a kiss, fine. Be my guest. Sorry to have wasted your time.”
He was NOT going to goad them into anything. Not with something that transparent and childish.
“What are you talking about?” Face heard himself ask defensively.
“Well, I mean,” Hannibal twirled the keys around his finger absently. “I know I’m a bit older than you boys, but back in my day, we valued a little skill, a little finesse.” He shrugged again. “I guess priorities are different now. You don’t have to be good at it, you just have to do it a lot. Right Face?”
This wasn’t going to work. It was blatant and immature and it wasn’t going to work.
“No, I suppose I’m just old-fashioned,” Hannibal continued with a sigh. “These days, you don’t have to be able to keep one person happy for long, right? You don’t need that talent, that passion, when you’re hopping from one bed to the next. Keeping things fresh, right Face? Hell of a lot easier than worrying about technique. You boys are lucky.”
Okay, that’s it. Before Face’s reasoning skills, pushed out of the way by his rapidly-inflating pride, could scream at him that this was a terrible idea, he’d leaned across and grabbed Murdock by the shoulders. Pulling his friend towards him firmly, he captured Murdock’s mouth in an overpowering kiss.
His tongue swiped at Murdock’s lips before taking their startled slackness as an invitation. Face’s hand tangled in the pilot’s hair as he held him there, a shiver running down the conman’s spine as he felt Murdock belatedly respond. Both Rangers, both used to the softness and relative submissiveness of the fairer sex, each ceded nothing to the other. Tongues, lips and teeth battled and nipped in an equally-matched fight for dominance. The hand in Murdock’s hair became a fist, tugging just enough to be painful. Murdock pulled at Face’s jacket, gripping his arm hard enough to bruise. They breathed loudly through their noses, panting into each other’s mouths, unwilling to yield.
Eventually, they realised they were at a stalemate. Face wasn’t sure who pulled back first, only that they were staring at each other, still gripping one another tightly, eyes darkened with something terrifyingly base. In unspoken unison, still catching their breaths, their fingers slowly uncurled and they released one another.
Face turned to Hannibal defiantly, though he had a sinking feeling that he hadn’t just won that latest battle. “There. Skilful enough for you? Can we go now?”
Hannibal, god damn him, was the master of the shit-eating grin. “Of course.” He tossed Face the keys. Murdock, seeming incapable of speech, staggered with Face towards the door. “I don’t know what I was thinking. Clearly there’s no untoward tension between you two at all.”
“Oh shut up.”
FIN