Headlines from an Alternate Universe
Edinburgh Although last week’s referendum proceeded mostly peacefully, worries about Scotland’s stability given its long history of internecine conflict and tribal politics has caused the UN to enlarge the UN Mission in Scotland. In support, Nigieria has announced that they will be the latest country to deploy troops to Scotland, ordering some three thousand Nigerian paratroopers to the restless country, possibly as early as Monday.
"It is the responsibility of the world to ensure that the rich and powerful respect the democratic process,” said President Goodluck Jonathan of Nigeria in a formal address to his country, “As a world leader, we cannot let another country disintegrate into a failed state that provides a breeding ground for terrorism. We must act decisively to support democracy throughout the world.”
Nigeria will join a large UN-backed coalition, consisting of troops from India, Pakistan, Egypt, and twenty-seven other nations, that is currently occupying critical points across Scotland in an attempt to prevent the spread of sectarian violence before it can happen. Already the first contingent of Indian and Egyptian troops has arrived and taken up their positions. More personnel are expected tomorrow as the first ships of a multinational fleet are expected to arrive in the North Sea to prevent any attempts at piracy.
Experts, meanwhile, are advising caution in approaching the situation.
"Remember, the Scots have a very long and proud cultural history," says Professor Liu Meng, an expert on European Cultures at the University of Shanghai, "They are steeped in tribal warrior superstitions that go back thousands of years. You have to approach them carefully."
Liu is among a growing body of sceptics who advise approaching the Scottish situation with caution. Scotland has long been home to internecine rebellions, near civil-wars, and belligerent attitudes, and its historical network of tribal affiliations can be bewildering to outsiders.
"Simply attempting to instruct them in democracy using force may lead to adverse results," Liu continued, "You have to understand their culture before attempting to enforce political outcomes. Without that we could end up becoming actors of our own on the Scottish stage, and turn the entire country against us."
Already tensions have broken out in Scotland between peacekeepers and natives. While most situations have been solved peacefully a violent altercation took place in Glasgow between an aggressive group of natives and Egyptian peacekeepers when the native Scots approached a roadblock, shouting angrily. Although locals say that the Scots were simply indulging in an ancient cultural tradition of Scotland known as Being Drunk, Egyptian peacekeepers opened fire, killing nine Scots immediately and shelling several neighborhoods of Glasgow for half an hour.
"Although we appreciate Scottish cultural traditions, we are also concerned with the safety of our men," said General al-Sisi, commander of the Egyptian Armed Forces, "Their safety is our foremost concern, and we cannot allow them to be threatened in any way. We urge the residents of Scotland to heed the warnings of our soldiers. They are here to help in this troubled time, and I think most Scots appreciate the lessons in democracy that they are bringing."