Bulwer-Lytton writing contest
After writing a B-movie, I feel as though I may be able to write something horrid enough to submit to the Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest. The 2003 winners can be found at
http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2003.htm
I heartily reccomend reading this stuff. Hilarity abounds. I'll give you my favourites, in case you're lazy bastards like me.
Winner; Adventure:
"It wasn't the desolate remoteness of the campsite that bothered him, or even the terrifying roar of the rapids beating themselves against solid granite below, so much as the eerie sound of pigs squealing in the distance and the fact that, in this light, cousin Billy looked disturbingly like Ned Beatty."
~Cindy Erickson Gilmon, CA
Runner up; Adventure:
"On the fourth day of his exploration of the Amazon, Byron climbed out of his inner tube, checked the latest news on his personal digital assistant (hereafter PDA) outfitted with wireless technology, and realized that the gnawing he felt in his stomach was not fear-- no, he was not afraid, rather elated-- nor was it tension-- no, he was actually rather relaxed-- so it was in all probability a parasite."
~Chuck Keelan, Stern Stewart, NY
Winner; Detective:
"Detective Inspector Mike Norman slipped six fingers into his overcoat pocket, five of them clad in a latex glove and attatched to his palm, while the sixth was wrapped in a plastic evidence bag and apparently belonged to the kidnapped pianist Ricardo Moore, or, as it now seemed likely, the kidnapped ex-pianist Ricardo Moore."
~Alan Campbell, Scotland
Runner up; Romance:
"Although Sara could believe the brassiere she had found was from a mix-up at the laundromat, that the lipstick on Bill's collar really had been from a cramped elevator, that the stilleto heel was indeed something the cat dragged in, when she pulled Chloe's unmistakable prosthetic arm from under the bed, she realized she'd been played for a fool."
~Nicholas R. Eaton, MO
Winner; Science Fiction:
"Colonel Cleatus Yorbville had been one seriously bored astronaut for the first few months of his diplomatic mission on the third planet of the Frangelicus XIV system, but all that had changed on the day he'd discovered that his tiny, multipedal, and infinitely hospitable alien hosts were not only edible but tasted remarkably like the stuff that's left on the pan after you've made cinnamon buns and burned them a little."
~Mark Silcox, AL
Okay, I'm stopping myself now. If you want more, go to the site and read them all. It's v worth it.
http://www2.sjsu.edu/depts/english/2003.htm
I heartily reccomend reading this stuff. Hilarity abounds. I'll give you my favourites, in case you're lazy bastards like me.
Winner; Adventure:
"It wasn't the desolate remoteness of the campsite that bothered him, or even the terrifying roar of the rapids beating themselves against solid granite below, so much as the eerie sound of pigs squealing in the distance and the fact that, in this light, cousin Billy looked disturbingly like Ned Beatty."
~Cindy Erickson Gilmon, CA
Runner up; Adventure:
"On the fourth day of his exploration of the Amazon, Byron climbed out of his inner tube, checked the latest news on his personal digital assistant (hereafter PDA) outfitted with wireless technology, and realized that the gnawing he felt in his stomach was not fear-- no, he was not afraid, rather elated-- nor was it tension-- no, he was actually rather relaxed-- so it was in all probability a parasite."
~Chuck Keelan, Stern Stewart, NY
Winner; Detective:
"Detective Inspector Mike Norman slipped six fingers into his overcoat pocket, five of them clad in a latex glove and attatched to his palm, while the sixth was wrapped in a plastic evidence bag and apparently belonged to the kidnapped pianist Ricardo Moore, or, as it now seemed likely, the kidnapped ex-pianist Ricardo Moore."
~Alan Campbell, Scotland
Runner up; Romance:
"Although Sara could believe the brassiere she had found was from a mix-up at the laundromat, that the lipstick on Bill's collar really had been from a cramped elevator, that the stilleto heel was indeed something the cat dragged in, when she pulled Chloe's unmistakable prosthetic arm from under the bed, she realized she'd been played for a fool."
~Nicholas R. Eaton, MO
Winner; Science Fiction:
"Colonel Cleatus Yorbville had been one seriously bored astronaut for the first few months of his diplomatic mission on the third planet of the Frangelicus XIV system, but all that had changed on the day he'd discovered that his tiny, multipedal, and infinitely hospitable alien hosts were not only edible but tasted remarkably like the stuff that's left on the pan after you've made cinnamon buns and burned them a little."
~Mark Silcox, AL
Okay, I'm stopping myself now. If you want more, go to the site and read them all. It's v worth it.