soul death
i think that's what i'm experiencing. the tears come sometimes but not enough to relieve any tension, but too much to hide in my everyday life. i was just kidding when i said i had nothing to look forward to after barcelona, i didn't think it was true. there is an up for every down... right? i don't know how to do this. where's my next step? what's around the corner? i'm not moving forward, i feel like i'm running backward. actually, no. i'm not moving anywhere. i'm stagnant. i'm suffocating. i feel like i'm stuck in one of those plastic hamster balls in a big room with a lot crap in it and a really mean kid that keeps playing tricks on me. i can't see the whole picture and what i can see is distorted. every time i feel like i'm getting somewhere i run into an immovable obstacle. i can't see around it and i don't know what's on the other side. i've been wandering around aimlessly for what seems like ages and now i'm looking around i find myself in the exact same place as where i began. i think i have an idea of my destination but i'm not completely certain and i have no idea of how to get there. i'm frustrated, i'm bored, i'm lonely, i'm sad, i'm tired, i'm restless, i'm overwhelmed, i'm unstimulated