The Story of Raptormas
Gather 'round, Students! I forgot that I had a story to tell.
As you know, The holidays are rolling by and people are starting to forget what the true stories are behind the traditions. So allow me to dust off this classic and crack the binding on this old chestnut: "The True Story/Meaning of Raptormas" or "How I Got The Clap and Loved Sushi".
A long time ago..in ancient times. The Land was overrun with peril. The ninjas and pirates were in constant war, the cowboys were not letting The Empire run it's trade convoy through town anymore, and robots were using 3 Musketeers bars as currency.
The King of The Land, Jeeseford Q. Snyderington, was gripped with fear over what would befall the kingdom if these events continued to transpire. So The King called forth his 3 loyal knights: Captain Adamant "Bones" Wilsonuvitch from the Pirate Seas, Jeremya Noellerollercoaster'd Series 1337 who hailed from The Robot Society, and Adamned Alanish Azeovedoeredishingshirestrappakappadumdiddledydum (they dubbed him "Vedo") who came from Mexidutchialand 3.
King Jesseford explained to the knights just what was happening in The Land. Drawing the royal blade, he had the knights swear to embark on a quest with one objective: "Make The Land cut this shit out." The knights bowed before their ruler and set out to find the solution to The Land's problem.
The knights quested forth through the towns near the King's Castle. Before they were to embark, they needed to check and make sure they had all the supplies they needed. They stopped at a "Ye Olde Wal-Marte" on the way.
"Alright, scallywags..." Capt. Bones started, "We be needin' a heap of supplies. Namely sharp things to be fightin' dirty dogs with and oranges."
"Oranges?" beeped Jeremya, "Why oranges?"
"I be willin' to fight hoards of those thievin' ninja bastards. I would dive headfirst into Davy Jones' locker if it means dubloons. But ye all be damned if I be catchin' the scurvey!"
"Hey you guys," Vedo interjected as he pointed to an aisle with the heading "Questing Items", "I think that's where we need to look first."
The knights went up and down the aisle, gawking at sweet lookin' swords and stuff. Also purchasing the needed amount of healing materials for the trip. After gearing up, the knights headed down to the first area what needed a smackin' about: The Western Lands that were blocking The Empire from establishing trade amongst other realms. Much traveling aside, they reached their destination. The dusty and dirty town that is Cowboyia was ringing with sounds of battle.
Vedo exclaimed, "Egads, fellow knights! The Cowboys are doing battle with The Empire! Surely if we don't step in then The Land will be gripped in ruin!"
The Captain spoke up, "OR...ye can stop yer mindless chatterin' and we go do somethin' about it."
Just then, a bolt of Force Lightning struck at the feet of the trio. The sound of an elderly man with asthma filled the air. From the dust, walked a figure clad in black leather.
"Leave now, Knights of The Land," wheezed the figure, "The Empire has gained the upper hand and this battle will be drawn to a closure even if it means the obliteration of the entire cowboy race. Once they are gone, we will establish a trade system that will restrict the downloading of songs from Teh Intraweb and eBay will be used to sell things of use and importance!"
Jeremya booped furiously, "I cannot let that be! What is The Empire? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk, HAVE AT YOU!" The mighty robot lept with all the ferocity that a lifeless tin can could muster brandishing a chainsaw hand and a shoulder-mounted laser cannon. Yet, the asthmatic figure in black threw the robot away as if he were scrap aluminum.
"Fools, you know not the power...of the DARK SIDE. Die if you wish, but I will not be the one to soil my hands with your unworthy corpses." And with those words, the figure called forth a massive triceratops and rode away.
Picking up the wounded Jeremya, the knights followed in close pursuit (seriously, how fast can one of things run?) until they reached the battlefield. TIE Fighters filled the sky as they littered the ground with laser blasts. The Cowboys, armed with only six-shooters and whiskey, were screaming as they were gunned down. Jeremya could no longer stand for this. He took off for the Super Star Destroyer hovering in the sky. The other knights, knowing who this battle belonged to, went on to help the cowboys on the field. Captain Bones held the Stormtroopers at bay with the stories of scurvy as Vedo was Z-Targeting TIE Fighters and downing them with mighty boomerang throws.
Jeremya smashed into the Super Star Destroyer. He bagan ripping up nameless guards with his chainsaw hand and blasted basketball sized holes into Stormtroopers with his laser. He finally reached the Main Deck, where his adversary awaited. It appeared he was accompained by another robotic looking figure, this one in green cloth.
"Evildoers!" DOS'ed the angry robot, "Prepare to feel the wrath the likes of which you have never felt!"
"Simple minded machine!" exclaimed the green robot-man, "I AM DOOM! DOOM AND DARTH VADER WILL BE THE DISPURSERS OF PAIN!"
"0110010001100001011011010110111000100000011110010110111101110101!" Shouted the robot in ancient curse as he charged the villains.
Jeremya was overwhelmed. Dr. Doom was adept at black magic and Vader appeared to be letting Doom do all the work. The battle was ended quickly as a damaged Jeremya unit layed on the floor. It looked like the end for this courageous knight, but fate had different plans for him. Doom was about to land the final blow, when from nowhere there was the swish of a blade and a "YARR!" took Doom by surprise. It was then that Vedo climbed the turnbuckle and delivered the mother of all missle dropkicks to the chest of Doom. After the pin and a 3 count, Doom was slain.
Vedo and Captain Bones helped Jeremya up. The damaged robot thanked his comrades for the assist, but there was one n00b left to frag. The robot took an odd stance and positioned his hands in a peculiar way.
The robot began shouting in some forgetten code, "DOWN, DOWN-FORWARD, FORWARD HEAVY PUNCH! HAAA-DOOO-KEEEEEEEN!"
With that utterance, a blue ball of fire lept from the robot's hands and struck Darth Vader with tenacious tenacity. Since Vader forgot how to hold back on the joystick, he was struck with a 52-Hit Super Combo and was defeated.
The Empire was defeated and Cowboyia was now free to establish an unrestricted trade with neighboring lands and they downloaded songs to their cowboy iPods and squaredanced their nights away as they told stories around the fires about courageous royal knights that helped the cowboy nation. With one situation resolved, the knights quested forth to the robot lands in order to help their economy.
Jeremya uploaded, "I don't understand what's wrong with using your bars of candy as our currency, we don't eat this crap."
"That's just it," Vedo explained, "WE EAT IT. You keep using it for currency and we're going to up to our necks in 3 Musketeers bars. And not even the combined eating forces of all of The Land could not eat all of it. We're talking about a depression in your economy...your system is flawed and because I said so makes it true."
"But we're robots...We can't have depression...We don't have emotions. Also I'm going to have to have a talk with you about your...um...'Because I said' rule."
"Will ye both put a cork in it! We be havin' to trek across'd the Icy Mountain Peaks b'fore we be reachin' Robotoville. One loud noise from either of ye and it'll be royal knights a la mode for us."
"What?" asked Vedo.
"It means any noise could trigger an avalanche and we'd be buried alive under tons of snow and ice." .EXE'd Jeremya.
"Aye...and I'd be liking it if ye'd both QUIT YER BITCHIN'!"
With the curse that came from the pirate's mouth, the avalanche was brought forth. The knights sprinted across the mountain roads, the icy grip of death fast approaching them. Suddenly, a loud roar echoed over the crashing snow as the knights were scooped up by a large yeti. As the ice beast lept over the snow, he landed on a safe ledge and placed the knights down. This had to be the ancient protector of the mountains that were spoken of in legend. The description was true as the story...a tall, girthy yeti covered in fur. It wore Converse All-Stars and white socks that went up the calf but stopped under the knee. It was wearing a shirt with the words "LVL. 1 BRB" on the chest. Atop it's head was black-rimmed glasses and a viking helmet which was covering some poofy black hair.
"HEY YOU GUYS SEEM PRETTY COOL!" spoke the Yeti.
"Aye that we be, Yeti." said the Captain as he covered his ears, "But ye be yellin' far too loud to be makin' small talk with us."
"OH OK! I'LL KEEP IT DOWN! BY THE WAY, I'M POWELL THE LARGE! I PROTECT THESE MOUNTAINS WITH MY TRUSTY WOODEN AXE: 'SKULL-BRUISER'!"
"That's...that's cool." RAM'd Jeremya, "We're gonna go back to our questing now."
"HEY THAT'S COOL! I'LL COME WITH YA FOR A BIT! I NEED SOMETHING TO DO ANYWAY AND I'M FEELING PRETTY BORED."
So the knights acquired a new ally in Powell The Large. They all loudly made their way to Robotoville where things seemed to be in chaos (no surprise). The robots were all running around yelling about the currency factory had gone berserk. The knights and the yeti made their way to the factory, which was pouring out gobs of nougat!
"Zounds!" Vedo exclaimed, "There's nougatty goodness all over the place! We couldn't possibly eat all of this in..."
Just before Vedo could finish his sentence, Powell The Large had swallowed the whole nougat wave in a few gulps.
"OH MAN! THAT WAS DELICIOUS! YOU GUYS MAKE AWESOME CANDY!" Powell commented as he leta huge fart ripple through his fur.
Jeremya P2P'd, "Even though that was completely disgusting of you to devour our money...you kinda helped in a way."
"Indeed," Vedo said as he tried covering his nose to avoid the stink, "Your largeness has helped...um...largely. *cough cough!* Let's just finish what we came here to do.
So Vedo, knowing vast amounts of math, gave the robots actual money and told them that there was to be no more using candy or chocolate as currency or Powell The Large was to come down and cloud their town in a smelly green fog. Also, because he said then the robots could not say otherwise.
Leaving the confused robots to filter their air supply and remove one yeti from their currency factory, the knights moved on to their final task: the pirates vs ninjas war. This war had been in business for centuries. They were just petty arguments to begin with, but eventually everything turned into a full-scale riot. Rumors that trolls and spam were being employed as tactical warfare. The knights, not wanting to shed anymore blood than the author will allow for now, summoned the leader of the ninja clan and the ruling pirate queen upon royal request to a field that was neutral royal truce grounds.
Captain Bones threw in his two cents worth at the meeting place, "I still don't know why ye both just won't do things the easy way and keelhaul the dirty ninja sons of bitches off the face of The Land!"
"That's not the easy way," 01110011011000010110100101100100'd Jeremya, "That's the pirate way."
"Enough, the both of you!" Vedo shouted, "Here comes the ninja lord."
Through the shadows (which was hard considering this was high noon in an empty field) stepped a young man, who appeared slightly out of shape for a ninja. Behind him was a pretty young lady who was carrying a sword.
"Greetings, Cappin Bones." said the ninja.
"Dan..." said the pirate as he gave the slightest of nods in acknowledgement to the greeting.
It was Danaru Dyearu. The most ruthless of all ninjas. It was rumored that no one got into a fight with Dan. You could hardly call it that. It was said you were to just wait until Dan kills you. He was accompained by his wife, Amberu who was rumored to be the smartest ninja in all of the clans.
"OY! Wot's deez bloody ninjers doin' 'ere?!" came a half drunk british voice from behind the knights.
They turned to see the Pirate Queen Mia "Smelly Hooker" Jones stagger across the field accompained by the spoony bard Roamin' Eric and the bloodlusty Polish Wizzy. The pirates drew their pistols and prepared to fire.
"STOP!" Shouted Vedo, "This is to be a ground for truce. You are all ordered by the King of The Land to cease this stupid battle. Both sides have been equal since day one."
"Roight..." started Queen Jones, "Look 'ere. I ain't goin' nowheres wi'out me two Erics. So if'in da King wantin to be seein' da Queen, he be seein' the lot o' us."
Jeremya turned to Danaru, "I suppose you're not going anywhere without her, right?"
Dan gave a nod as he kept his eyes focused on the smelly pirate hooker.
The knights then confiscated their weapons and they all went back to the King's castle. The knights were greeted with the cheers of the townsfolk as they arrived. The King welcomed his knights and the guests into the throne room, where the documents that would end the great ninjas vs pirates war waited for the signatures of Danaru and Mia.
All the top news stations were covering this glorious event as the stage was finally set. King Jesseford stood at center of the table where the documents lay and he called forth Danaru and Mia. Danaru quickly signed first, his eyes never leaving the cold stare of Queen Mia. Queen Mia, however, had been drinking the entire way to the castle and even in the castle when she snuck into the King's royal "King Cuervo" stash. She stumbled around the stage, demanding a pen from one of her two Erics.
"She can barely stand, let alone write her name...if she can spell it!" Dan told the King.
"WOT?" Queen Mia cut in, "I 'eard that ye bloody ninjer! I'll cut yer gizard out and serve it to me Erics for lunch! M'ERE YOU!"
Mia lunged for Dan and they began a fistfight the likes of which Dragonball Z would shiver at. They both quickly ascended to the sky as they broke through the castle ceiling. The furious blows being thrown back and forth shook the very fabric of The Land itself.
"Ah, Horseshit!" spoke the King, "You fucksticks were supposed to prevent this! You stop this or so help me, I will demote you all back to Polevaulters so fast it will make your head spin like a mother fucking DREIDEL!"
The knights attempted desperately to stop the ninja and pirate from destroying The Land, but to no avail. Just when it looked like all hope was lost, a beam of light shined down from the heavens. And an egg fell to The Lanf, halting the fight between Dan and Mia.
"What the fuck be this shit?" said Captain Bones as he picked up the egg.
Everyone gathered around Captain Bones and the mysterious egg. The egg began to shake and roll...it was hatching! The egg's shell burst into a million pieces and in Captain Bones' arms lay a being. The body of a human...the head of a velociraptor...and in one hand it held a gun, the other it held a mighty sword.
"Hey doodz! I'm Raptor Jesus, LOL!" spoke the being, "U guyz n33d to qU1t w1th th15 wh0l3 F!ghTInG 5TuFF."
"He started it..." said the Pirate Queen pointing to Dan.
"STFU! I'MMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZAH!" said Raptor Jesus.
And a bright lazah was fired into the sky, causing millions of Nintendo Wii consoles to fall from the sky. Those who weren't killed by the head trauma found joy in playing Nintendo Wii until the end of days.
"Now don't play with your Wii too much," said Raptor Jesus, "THAT'S A SIN, LOL!"
And everyone LOL'd and lived happily ever after.
As you know, The holidays are rolling by and people are starting to forget what the true stories are behind the traditions. So allow me to dust off this classic and crack the binding on this old chestnut: "The True Story/Meaning of Raptormas" or "How I Got The Clap and Loved Sushi".
A long time ago..in ancient times. The Land was overrun with peril. The ninjas and pirates were in constant war, the cowboys were not letting The Empire run it's trade convoy through town anymore, and robots were using 3 Musketeers bars as currency.
The King of The Land, Jeeseford Q. Snyderington, was gripped with fear over what would befall the kingdom if these events continued to transpire. So The King called forth his 3 loyal knights: Captain Adamant "Bones" Wilsonuvitch from the Pirate Seas, Jeremya Noellerollercoaster'd Series 1337 who hailed from The Robot Society, and Adamned Alanish Azeovedoeredishingshirestrappakappadumdiddledydum (they dubbed him "Vedo") who came from Mexidutchialand 3.
King Jesseford explained to the knights just what was happening in The Land. Drawing the royal blade, he had the knights swear to embark on a quest with one objective: "Make The Land cut this shit out." The knights bowed before their ruler and set out to find the solution to The Land's problem.
The knights quested forth through the towns near the King's Castle. Before they were to embark, they needed to check and make sure they had all the supplies they needed. They stopped at a "Ye Olde Wal-Marte" on the way.
"Alright, scallywags..." Capt. Bones started, "We be needin' a heap of supplies. Namely sharp things to be fightin' dirty dogs with and oranges."
"Oranges?" beeped Jeremya, "Why oranges?"
"I be willin' to fight hoards of those thievin' ninja bastards. I would dive headfirst into Davy Jones' locker if it means dubloons. But ye all be damned if I be catchin' the scurvey!"
"Hey you guys," Vedo interjected as he pointed to an aisle with the heading "Questing Items", "I think that's where we need to look first."
The knights went up and down the aisle, gawking at sweet lookin' swords and stuff. Also purchasing the needed amount of healing materials for the trip. After gearing up, the knights headed down to the first area what needed a smackin' about: The Western Lands that were blocking The Empire from establishing trade amongst other realms. Much traveling aside, they reached their destination. The dusty and dirty town that is Cowboyia was ringing with sounds of battle.
Vedo exclaimed, "Egads, fellow knights! The Cowboys are doing battle with The Empire! Surely if we don't step in then The Land will be gripped in ruin!"
The Captain spoke up, "OR...ye can stop yer mindless chatterin' and we go do somethin' about it."
Just then, a bolt of Force Lightning struck at the feet of the trio. The sound of an elderly man with asthma filled the air. From the dust, walked a figure clad in black leather.
"Leave now, Knights of The Land," wheezed the figure, "The Empire has gained the upper hand and this battle will be drawn to a closure even if it means the obliteration of the entire cowboy race. Once they are gone, we will establish a trade system that will restrict the downloading of songs from Teh Intraweb and eBay will be used to sell things of use and importance!"
Jeremya booped furiously, "I cannot let that be! What is The Empire? A miserable little pile of secrets! But enough talk, HAVE AT YOU!" The mighty robot lept with all the ferocity that a lifeless tin can could muster brandishing a chainsaw hand and a shoulder-mounted laser cannon. Yet, the asthmatic figure in black threw the robot away as if he were scrap aluminum.
"Fools, you know not the power...of the DARK SIDE. Die if you wish, but I will not be the one to soil my hands with your unworthy corpses." And with those words, the figure called forth a massive triceratops and rode away.
Picking up the wounded Jeremya, the knights followed in close pursuit (seriously, how fast can one of things run?) until they reached the battlefield. TIE Fighters filled the sky as they littered the ground with laser blasts. The Cowboys, armed with only six-shooters and whiskey, were screaming as they were gunned down. Jeremya could no longer stand for this. He took off for the Super Star Destroyer hovering in the sky. The other knights, knowing who this battle belonged to, went on to help the cowboys on the field. Captain Bones held the Stormtroopers at bay with the stories of scurvy as Vedo was Z-Targeting TIE Fighters and downing them with mighty boomerang throws.
Jeremya smashed into the Super Star Destroyer. He bagan ripping up nameless guards with his chainsaw hand and blasted basketball sized holes into Stormtroopers with his laser. He finally reached the Main Deck, where his adversary awaited. It appeared he was accompained by another robotic looking figure, this one in green cloth.
"Evildoers!" DOS'ed the angry robot, "Prepare to feel the wrath the likes of which you have never felt!"
"Simple minded machine!" exclaimed the green robot-man, "I AM DOOM! DOOM AND DARTH VADER WILL BE THE DISPURSERS OF PAIN!"
"0110010001100001011011010110111000100000011110010110111101110101!" Shouted the robot in ancient curse as he charged the villains.
Jeremya was overwhelmed. Dr. Doom was adept at black magic and Vader appeared to be letting Doom do all the work. The battle was ended quickly as a damaged Jeremya unit layed on the floor. It looked like the end for this courageous knight, but fate had different plans for him. Doom was about to land the final blow, when from nowhere there was the swish of a blade and a "YARR!" took Doom by surprise. It was then that Vedo climbed the turnbuckle and delivered the mother of all missle dropkicks to the chest of Doom. After the pin and a 3 count, Doom was slain.
Vedo and Captain Bones helped Jeremya up. The damaged robot thanked his comrades for the assist, but there was one n00b left to frag. The robot took an odd stance and positioned his hands in a peculiar way.
The robot began shouting in some forgetten code, "DOWN, DOWN-FORWARD, FORWARD HEAVY PUNCH! HAAA-DOOO-KEEEEEEEN!"
With that utterance, a blue ball of fire lept from the robot's hands and struck Darth Vader with tenacious tenacity. Since Vader forgot how to hold back on the joystick, he was struck with a 52-Hit Super Combo and was defeated.
The Empire was defeated and Cowboyia was now free to establish an unrestricted trade with neighboring lands and they downloaded songs to their cowboy iPods and squaredanced their nights away as they told stories around the fires about courageous royal knights that helped the cowboy nation. With one situation resolved, the knights quested forth to the robot lands in order to help their economy.
Jeremya uploaded, "I don't understand what's wrong with using your bars of candy as our currency, we don't eat this crap."
"That's just it," Vedo explained, "WE EAT IT. You keep using it for currency and we're going to up to our necks in 3 Musketeers bars. And not even the combined eating forces of all of The Land could not eat all of it. We're talking about a depression in your economy...your system is flawed and because I said so makes it true."
"But we're robots...We can't have depression...We don't have emotions. Also I'm going to have to have a talk with you about your...um...'Because I said' rule."
"Will ye both put a cork in it! We be havin' to trek across'd the Icy Mountain Peaks b'fore we be reachin' Robotoville. One loud noise from either of ye and it'll be royal knights a la mode for us."
"What?" asked Vedo.
"It means any noise could trigger an avalanche and we'd be buried alive under tons of snow and ice." .EXE'd Jeremya.
"Aye...and I'd be liking it if ye'd both QUIT YER BITCHIN'!"
With the curse that came from the pirate's mouth, the avalanche was brought forth. The knights sprinted across the mountain roads, the icy grip of death fast approaching them. Suddenly, a loud roar echoed over the crashing snow as the knights were scooped up by a large yeti. As the ice beast lept over the snow, he landed on a safe ledge and placed the knights down. This had to be the ancient protector of the mountains that were spoken of in legend. The description was true as the story...a tall, girthy yeti covered in fur. It wore Converse All-Stars and white socks that went up the calf but stopped under the knee. It was wearing a shirt with the words "LVL. 1 BRB" on the chest. Atop it's head was black-rimmed glasses and a viking helmet which was covering some poofy black hair.
"HEY YOU GUYS SEEM PRETTY COOL!" spoke the Yeti.
"Aye that we be, Yeti." said the Captain as he covered his ears, "But ye be yellin' far too loud to be makin' small talk with us."
"OH OK! I'LL KEEP IT DOWN! BY THE WAY, I'M POWELL THE LARGE! I PROTECT THESE MOUNTAINS WITH MY TRUSTY WOODEN AXE: 'SKULL-BRUISER'!"
"That's...that's cool." RAM'd Jeremya, "We're gonna go back to our questing now."
"HEY THAT'S COOL! I'LL COME WITH YA FOR A BIT! I NEED SOMETHING TO DO ANYWAY AND I'M FEELING PRETTY BORED."
So the knights acquired a new ally in Powell The Large. They all loudly made their way to Robotoville where things seemed to be in chaos (no surprise). The robots were all running around yelling about the currency factory had gone berserk. The knights and the yeti made their way to the factory, which was pouring out gobs of nougat!
"Zounds!" Vedo exclaimed, "There's nougatty goodness all over the place! We couldn't possibly eat all of this in..."
Just before Vedo could finish his sentence, Powell The Large had swallowed the whole nougat wave in a few gulps.
"OH MAN! THAT WAS DELICIOUS! YOU GUYS MAKE AWESOME CANDY!" Powell commented as he leta huge fart ripple through his fur.
Jeremya P2P'd, "Even though that was completely disgusting of you to devour our money...you kinda helped in a way."
"Indeed," Vedo said as he tried covering his nose to avoid the stink, "Your largeness has helped...um...largely. *cough cough!* Let's just finish what we came here to do.
So Vedo, knowing vast amounts of math, gave the robots actual money and told them that there was to be no more using candy or chocolate as currency or Powell The Large was to come down and cloud their town in a smelly green fog. Also, because he said then the robots could not say otherwise.
Leaving the confused robots to filter their air supply and remove one yeti from their currency factory, the knights moved on to their final task: the pirates vs ninjas war. This war had been in business for centuries. They were just petty arguments to begin with, but eventually everything turned into a full-scale riot. Rumors that trolls and spam were being employed as tactical warfare. The knights, not wanting to shed anymore blood than the author will allow for now, summoned the leader of the ninja clan and the ruling pirate queen upon royal request to a field that was neutral royal truce grounds.
Captain Bones threw in his two cents worth at the meeting place, "I still don't know why ye both just won't do things the easy way and keelhaul the dirty ninja sons of bitches off the face of The Land!"
"That's not the easy way," 01110011011000010110100101100100'd Jeremya, "That's the pirate way."
"Enough, the both of you!" Vedo shouted, "Here comes the ninja lord."
Through the shadows (which was hard considering this was high noon in an empty field) stepped a young man, who appeared slightly out of shape for a ninja. Behind him was a pretty young lady who was carrying a sword.
"Greetings, Cappin Bones." said the ninja.
"Dan..." said the pirate as he gave the slightest of nods in acknowledgement to the greeting.
It was Danaru Dyearu. The most ruthless of all ninjas. It was rumored that no one got into a fight with Dan. You could hardly call it that. It was said you were to just wait until Dan kills you. He was accompained by his wife, Amberu who was rumored to be the smartest ninja in all of the clans.
"OY! Wot's deez bloody ninjers doin' 'ere?!" came a half drunk british voice from behind the knights.
They turned to see the Pirate Queen Mia "Smelly Hooker" Jones stagger across the field accompained by the spoony bard Roamin' Eric and the bloodlusty Polish Wizzy. The pirates drew their pistols and prepared to fire.
"STOP!" Shouted Vedo, "This is to be a ground for truce. You are all ordered by the King of The Land to cease this stupid battle. Both sides have been equal since day one."
"Roight..." started Queen Jones, "Look 'ere. I ain't goin' nowheres wi'out me two Erics. So if'in da King wantin to be seein' da Queen, he be seein' the lot o' us."
Jeremya turned to Danaru, "I suppose you're not going anywhere without her, right?"
Dan gave a nod as he kept his eyes focused on the smelly pirate hooker.
The knights then confiscated their weapons and they all went back to the King's castle. The knights were greeted with the cheers of the townsfolk as they arrived. The King welcomed his knights and the guests into the throne room, where the documents that would end the great ninjas vs pirates war waited for the signatures of Danaru and Mia.
All the top news stations were covering this glorious event as the stage was finally set. King Jesseford stood at center of the table where the documents lay and he called forth Danaru and Mia. Danaru quickly signed first, his eyes never leaving the cold stare of Queen Mia. Queen Mia, however, had been drinking the entire way to the castle and even in the castle when she snuck into the King's royal "King Cuervo" stash. She stumbled around the stage, demanding a pen from one of her two Erics.
"She can barely stand, let alone write her name...if she can spell it!" Dan told the King.
"WOT?" Queen Mia cut in, "I 'eard that ye bloody ninjer! I'll cut yer gizard out and serve it to me Erics for lunch! M'ERE YOU!"
Mia lunged for Dan and they began a fistfight the likes of which Dragonball Z would shiver at. They both quickly ascended to the sky as they broke through the castle ceiling. The furious blows being thrown back and forth shook the very fabric of The Land itself.
"Ah, Horseshit!" spoke the King, "You fucksticks were supposed to prevent this! You stop this or so help me, I will demote you all back to Polevaulters so fast it will make your head spin like a mother fucking DREIDEL!"
The knights attempted desperately to stop the ninja and pirate from destroying The Land, but to no avail. Just when it looked like all hope was lost, a beam of light shined down from the heavens. And an egg fell to The Lanf, halting the fight between Dan and Mia.
"What the fuck be this shit?" said Captain Bones as he picked up the egg.
Everyone gathered around Captain Bones and the mysterious egg. The egg began to shake and roll...it was hatching! The egg's shell burst into a million pieces and in Captain Bones' arms lay a being. The body of a human...the head of a velociraptor...and in one hand it held a gun, the other it held a mighty sword.
"Hey doodz! I'm Raptor Jesus, LOL!" spoke the being, "U guyz n33d to qU1t w1th th15 wh0l3 F!ghTInG 5TuFF."
"He started it..." said the Pirate Queen pointing to Dan.
"STFU! I'MMA CHARGIN' MAH LAZAH!" said Raptor Jesus.
And a bright lazah was fired into the sky, causing millions of Nintendo Wii consoles to fall from the sky. Those who weren't killed by the head trauma found joy in playing Nintendo Wii until the end of days.
"Now don't play with your Wii too much," said Raptor Jesus, "THAT'S A SIN, LOL!"
And everyone LOL'd and lived happily ever after.