(no subject)
ugh. so ive been loking for work. and no luck. but seriously, my dad finally told me to get one. and he also told my mom that its her fault if i end up in a gutter somewhere cause she's been letting me out late..i dont know what that means and quite frankly, i dont care. he needs to realize ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN AT ANYTIME. i mean i could be on a bus and get kidnapped. it doesnt matter what time of day it is...shit happens to anyone at anytime. and if it's my time, then its just my time. and i do keep my phone on me at all times, and i answer it all the time, if not then i call as soon as i see the number. why cant he trust me? maybe a job is the key. i need to hurry on that...hopefully, beck's mom can get me that job at gap. cause i just need a job. i went to a funeral on saturday. it was a sight. it was in mexico and did you know that they actually burry their dead. all the workers do is lower the casket into the ground and cement it shut. then the men in the famly shovel the dirt into the hole. its amazing. i never knew it, and im glad i got to experience it. i wasnt close to my grand-uncle, so i wasnt all depressed. although i did cry when my uncle peter held me. he has one of those hugs that you just get lost in...it reminded me of when i was a little girl and he would make me feel like i was the only thing that matttered to him. i felt 3 again. he was my hero then, and my own personal batman. boy was i convinced he was batman. i remember my mom parking behind that black batmobile style car and thinking "im safe now". i always thought, when he wasnt home, he was out saving someone, cause he was batman after all. and when he came home i'd run up to him jump in his arms, and beg him to tell me stories. although it was usually the story of when he saved me from drowning in the pool and how scared everyone was...but it did the trick and i was soon asleep in his arms. that was before he got tied up in his own family. he got married, and his wife was jealous of the attention he gave me. she knew he loved me more than her, she knew he was coming home for me. because she was always so mean to me. the lady was after all living with MY mom, in MY grandpa's house. she always told me mean things...my uncle would always call me the usual pet names, his favorites were gorgeous, precious, and goofy. she always used to tell me i was ugly, and bratty and stupid. something to always counteract the good feeling my uncle gave me. now that i think about it she could be one of the reasons why i never thought so much about myself, or have this bad case of insecurities. and then, he had his own kids...and it seemed he forgot about me. he stopped coming around soon enough, and stopped calling. and altogether lost touch with me. of course i saw him at family gatherings. mostly funerals of course. and i detatched myself from him. he was there til i was about..maybe 7 or 8. but by then he had his son and two daughters..and i was just another niece he saw at funerals. hes one of the people who fills this void i have in my heart. and very few people do that. after awhile, my hero was gone, he changed into this bitter figure i saw talking to the other men, and passed me by at door stops...but this saturday, he came to me. my hero came alive and i felt i could deal with this. and he never left me. he told me how proud he was of me and how much he thought about me. and the thing that got me tearing up was when my aunt who i was standing next to saw a girl who she thought was his daughter, and asked "oh is she your daughter?" and he gave me the biggest hug and said "no, this is my daughter right here" and i couldnt hold back. he knew what was going on in my head, and knew i was crying without even looking at my face. he knew why, so he kept a good hold on me. i didnt think i was gunna be able to let go. despite the heat, i couldnt let go. i felt safe again, and warm, and that void was gone. he put me back in my place, how dare i forget how much he loved me and cared for me. and how in fact i was like his first daughter. he loved me most, and i knew then, he loved me more than anything in the world.