THE BIRTHDAY CAKE FIASCO OF 1980 AND HOW IT LEAD TO REALLY FANTASTIC SHAGGING
TITLE: The Birthday Cake Fiasco of 1980 and How It Lead to Really Fantastic Shagging
RATING: PG-13
LENGTH: 1,755 words
PAIRING: Remus/Sirius
ERA: Pre-Azkaban
NOTES: There are 4 people to blame for this fic. katilara, theemdash, and marilla82, not just for their prompts that forced me to go this way, but for also being absolutely fabulous Marauders with me. Your Moony loves you all. Also thanks to pre_raphaelite1 for talking me through the despair of seemingly having written myself into a corner. And giving me bad ideas for other fics for a later date.
Also, I apologize. The shagging suggested by the title is not actually found in this fic. Don't want you to get your hopes up!
x-posted to the_kennel and remusxsirius
THE BIRTHDAY CAKE FIASCO OF 1980 AND HOW IT LEAD TO REALLY FANTASTIC SHAGGING
It was a pretty fucking huge cake.
And Sirius was nowhere to be found.
“You've been reading about Muggle parties again, haven't you?” Remus asked, not daring to take his eyes off the frosted behemoth, lest it spring.
James chuckled. “I swear, Moony, the things you say. Me. Reading? Hardly a concern.”
“Will you tell me where Sirius is, then?”
“'Fraid I can't, mate. Part of the deal.”
“Can I ask you, and have you just nod or shake your head?”
“No.”
Remus pressed his lips together. He could see this going so, so badly. He was fairly certain that Sirius had gotten one of his mad ideas and was actually in the cake. He was also fairly certain that Sirius was a bloody idiot and it wasn't a hollow cake, and he was not looking forward to finding cake and frosting in inappropriate places for the next week in bed. (Or on sofa. Or on table. Or against wall. It was a newish flat, and they were taking the christening process slowly so as to be thorough.)
“Peter? I don't suppose you'll be any help to me right now, will you?”
“I cast a Silencing Charm on him. He's been far too giddy about this whole thing, I was afraid he'd squeal.”
There was a petulant stomp of a foot from Peter's general vicinity. Remus sighed.
“And what if I just say thank you for the cake and go read the book my cousin sent me?”
“Um. Which cousin? The Muggle, or the poof?”
“Gianni. The book looks particularly enthralling.”
“Have I ever mentioned how chuffed I am that you've got that poofy cousin to send you all manner of queer shite so I can rest assured that you'd never ever need me to go down that road for presents for you?”
“You haven't. Probably best that you hadn't, really. M'gonna tell Lily you're being stupid again.”
“Not like she doesn't expect it. But you're stalling, Mr Moony.”
“Well, what do you want me to do? Is it a vocally-activated charm or something?”
“Merlin, what do you usually do to a birthday cake?”
“There aren't any candles up there.”
“Other than that.”
“I don't have a knife big enough to cut into that.”
“Who said anything about a fucking knife? Just...Christ, Moony, just start eating it...”
Remus felt he was developing diabetes just looking at the enormous icing sculpture; the idea of actually ingesting it made his stomach clench in revulsion.
“Prongs, really, will you just tell me if Sirius is entombed in cake? Do I have to eat him out? Er, of the cake?”
James made an odd sort of noise, half between a snicker and a choke of horror. But then he just shook his head. “I'm not saying another word. I've said too much already.”
Remus sighed. He hated his friends, who were clearly trying to kill him with cake. “Did my mother put you up to this? She says I'm too skinny...”
The cake shuddered.
Remus rolled his eyes.
“Sirius, just...god, I don't even know how to get him out of there without getting cake everywhere...”
“Moony. We know you like things neat. Trust me, this doesn't have to be messy. Please. Just eat the damn cake.”
“Do I get to...”
“No forks. Just reach over, grab a handful, make a wish, and eat it.” James was really sounding impatient, and Remus decided it was probably best to just go along with it at this point.
As he reached forward, he said in a faux-casual voice, “You realise if this does explode you are not leaving this flat until there is no trace of it anywhere.”
“Absolutely. But it won't explode, you can have the Marauder Guarantee on that.”
“And just how much is that worth?”
“Hardly a Knut, but that's not the point. You're a Marauder, that should count for something. No eating our own.”
“Unless he's buried in cake?”
The cake shuddered again.
“All right, that's it.” Remus pulled his wand from his back pocket and held it up at the cake. “Finite incantatem!”
The cake...well, melted would be an apt description, and Remus felt his heart stop for a moment at the thought of the stains on the carpet, but then he saw that it was all just fading away into nothingness.
“Dammit, Moony!”
And there stood Sirius Black, scantily clad in a very tiny sarong and a necklace of...oh, there were the candles. Remus wondered how he charmed his hair not to catch fire. There was, thankfully, no sign of cake clinging to him, which put Remus in a better frame of mind for later that evening.
Assuming he'd still be getting lucky given the look on Sirius's face at the moment.
“Really? Jumping out of a cake, Padfoot?”
Sirius stepped away from the remnants of the cake and fell dramatically onto the sofa. “Wasn't going to jump out of it, you idiot.”
Remus frowned. “Then...what?” He looked at James, whose face was very carefully blank. Remus knew that look; he was upset that the plan had been ruined, didn't dare act it. He usually wore it in Lily's presence.
“You were supposed to dive in face first and start eating, and then you'd find my face waiting for you with sweet, sweet kisses.”
James gagged quietly to himself. Peter rolled his eyes. Remus sighed, then pointed his wand at Peter and released him from the charm. Peter did not use his regained voice to thank him.
Remus stared at his three best friends, and wondered how it came to this, the lot of them in various stages of pouting and sulking. At him. On his birthday. He sighed.
“I just...come on, did you really think I was going to dive into a cake, in my living room, face first and just start eating with wild abandon? You've met me, right? Remus Lupin? Crafty bastard Marauder, to be sure, but the quiet, unassuming one who tends to make his mischief with quills and ink and parchment? The planner, the plotter, the one who did your homework when you served detentions for pranks I masterminded? Where in any of that did you think this would work?”
They were all silent. Until Peter started to giggle.
Remus frowned.
The giggling evolved into full-out laughter, and James's expression broke and he smacked Peter in the head. “Fucking hell, Wormtail! See? This is why we Silence you!”
Confused, Remus turned to Sirius, who was not laughing, but who was also no longer sulking. He was smiling wide. Remus was almost a bit scared.
“Of course we didn't expect you to do all that, Moony,” Sirius said, his eyes dancing. “Only bloody known you for ten years...”
Remus felt utterly lost, and he wasn't really appreciating the joke. “So...what the hell was the point? Just see how long you could string me along until I snapped? Happy fucking birthday?”
Sirius stepped forward quickly and put his hands on Remus's shoulders. “No no no! C'mon, you're the mad prank planning Marauder, what would be the point of something like this?”
“I dunno. We only ever...” His eyes widened. “Oh shit. This is just the distraction.”
James crowed. “Ten points to Gryffindor!”
Remus narrowed his eyes and looked around warily. “What have you done?”
Sirius took Remus's chin in his hand and turned his head to meet his eyes. “I just want you to remember, Remus Lupin, that I love you.”
Remus stepped backwards. “What have you done?”
“And because I love you,” Sirius said, not deterred from his speech, “and because I am secure enough to know that my love is one that is fully satisfying in every possible way-”
More gagging from the idiot gallery, but still Sirius pressed on.
“-I knew that it would be safe to get you this present.”
Remus half-expected Sirius to kneel down and pull out an engagement ring, though he wasn't entirely sure he'd want to put on something that could only be hidden in one place given Sirius's attire. Not that he wanted that kind of gesture at all.
Sirius reached forward and grabbed Remus's hand, tugging him as he started to walk to the window that peered into the building's postage stamp backyard.
Prepared for anything - fireworks, dancing gnomes, a sidecar for Sirius's motorcycle - Remus looked out carefully, and his mouth dropped open in shock.
“Sirius, that's...!” He felt Sirius press a kiss on his neck but found himself unable to turn away from the sight below. “That's...that's fucking Stubby Boardman! The Hob-fucking-goblins!”
“Happy Birthday, mate!” That was James, clapping Remus on the back and ruffling his hair.
“Yeah, Happy Birthday, Remus. Now can we please go downstairs?!”
Sirius snorted. “Yeah, get on out of here, you great twits. I've still got to change, and I expect Moony'll want to thank me more properly.”
Still staring out the window, Remus half-heard the sound of his two friends running like mad to get outside.
“I...how the hell, Padfoot? He's never done private functions!”
He could feel Sirius's hand tangle itself in the hair at the nape of Remus's neck, gently rubbing the skin underneath. “I have ways. It may have involved kidnapping a small child from St. Mungo's and pretending he's only got two weeks to live, but the details aren't important.”
Finally, Remus found himself able to turn away and look at his boyfriend. “Padfoot. I...”
Sirius smiled, leaned in and kissed Remus softly on the lips. “I love you. I know you've got a mad crush on that bloke, mostly 'cause he looks a bit like me, and you never let yourself lose yourself in anything anymore.” He laughed. “Well, nothing that you can do with all your friends and closest acquaintances involved.”
Remus smiled back, a full grin with teeth and dimples, and nodded back towards the bedroom. “Go put on some proper clothes so we can go outside and you won't lose your bits to frostbite. But don't lose this,” he added, tugging slightly on the edge of the sarong. “I'll want you back in it later.”
Sirius winked. “Whatever you say, Birthday Boy.” As he sauntered off to change, Remus threw open the window, charming the opening against the cold air, and leaned his head out to release a whoop of joy as the Hobgoblins started up their hit song, “Bludger To My Heart”, and began to sing along with the crowd below.
End.
End inspired by my current obsession with wizard rock. OMG. Also, wow, it's been a LONG TIME since I posted a fic around. How y'all doing, eh? :)
RATING: PG-13
LENGTH: 1,755 words
PAIRING: Remus/Sirius
ERA: Pre-Azkaban
NOTES: There are 4 people to blame for this fic. katilara, theemdash, and marilla82, not just for their prompts that forced me to go this way, but for also being absolutely fabulous Marauders with me. Your Moony loves you all. Also thanks to pre_raphaelite1 for talking me through the despair of seemingly having written myself into a corner. And giving me bad ideas for other fics for a later date.
Also, I apologize. The shagging suggested by the title is not actually found in this fic. Don't want you to get your hopes up!
x-posted to the_kennel and remusxsirius
THE BIRTHDAY CAKE FIASCO OF 1980 AND HOW IT LEAD TO REALLY FANTASTIC SHAGGING
It was a pretty fucking huge cake.
And Sirius was nowhere to be found.
“You've been reading about Muggle parties again, haven't you?” Remus asked, not daring to take his eyes off the frosted behemoth, lest it spring.
James chuckled. “I swear, Moony, the things you say. Me. Reading? Hardly a concern.”
“Will you tell me where Sirius is, then?”
“'Fraid I can't, mate. Part of the deal.”
“Can I ask you, and have you just nod or shake your head?”
“No.”
Remus pressed his lips together. He could see this going so, so badly. He was fairly certain that Sirius had gotten one of his mad ideas and was actually in the cake. He was also fairly certain that Sirius was a bloody idiot and it wasn't a hollow cake, and he was not looking forward to finding cake and frosting in inappropriate places for the next week in bed. (Or on sofa. Or on table. Or against wall. It was a newish flat, and they were taking the christening process slowly so as to be thorough.)
“Peter? I don't suppose you'll be any help to me right now, will you?”
“I cast a Silencing Charm on him. He's been far too giddy about this whole thing, I was afraid he'd squeal.”
There was a petulant stomp of a foot from Peter's general vicinity. Remus sighed.
“And what if I just say thank you for the cake and go read the book my cousin sent me?”
“Um. Which cousin? The Muggle, or the poof?”
“Gianni. The book looks particularly enthralling.”
“Have I ever mentioned how chuffed I am that you've got that poofy cousin to send you all manner of queer shite so I can rest assured that you'd never ever need me to go down that road for presents for you?”
“You haven't. Probably best that you hadn't, really. M'gonna tell Lily you're being stupid again.”
“Not like she doesn't expect it. But you're stalling, Mr Moony.”
“Well, what do you want me to do? Is it a vocally-activated charm or something?”
“Merlin, what do you usually do to a birthday cake?”
“There aren't any candles up there.”
“Other than that.”
“I don't have a knife big enough to cut into that.”
“Who said anything about a fucking knife? Just...Christ, Moony, just start eating it...”
Remus felt he was developing diabetes just looking at the enormous icing sculpture; the idea of actually ingesting it made his stomach clench in revulsion.
“Prongs, really, will you just tell me if Sirius is entombed in cake? Do I have to eat him out? Er, of the cake?”
James made an odd sort of noise, half between a snicker and a choke of horror. But then he just shook his head. “I'm not saying another word. I've said too much already.”
Remus sighed. He hated his friends, who were clearly trying to kill him with cake. “Did my mother put you up to this? She says I'm too skinny...”
The cake shuddered.
Remus rolled his eyes.
“Sirius, just...god, I don't even know how to get him out of there without getting cake everywhere...”
“Moony. We know you like things neat. Trust me, this doesn't have to be messy. Please. Just eat the damn cake.”
“Do I get to...”
“No forks. Just reach over, grab a handful, make a wish, and eat it.” James was really sounding impatient, and Remus decided it was probably best to just go along with it at this point.
As he reached forward, he said in a faux-casual voice, “You realise if this does explode you are not leaving this flat until there is no trace of it anywhere.”
“Absolutely. But it won't explode, you can have the Marauder Guarantee on that.”
“And just how much is that worth?”
“Hardly a Knut, but that's not the point. You're a Marauder, that should count for something. No eating our own.”
“Unless he's buried in cake?”
The cake shuddered again.
“All right, that's it.” Remus pulled his wand from his back pocket and held it up at the cake. “Finite incantatem!”
The cake...well, melted would be an apt description, and Remus felt his heart stop for a moment at the thought of the stains on the carpet, but then he saw that it was all just fading away into nothingness.
“Dammit, Moony!”
And there stood Sirius Black, scantily clad in a very tiny sarong and a necklace of...oh, there were the candles. Remus wondered how he charmed his hair not to catch fire. There was, thankfully, no sign of cake clinging to him, which put Remus in a better frame of mind for later that evening.
Assuming he'd still be getting lucky given the look on Sirius's face at the moment.
“Really? Jumping out of a cake, Padfoot?”
Sirius stepped away from the remnants of the cake and fell dramatically onto the sofa. “Wasn't going to jump out of it, you idiot.”
Remus frowned. “Then...what?” He looked at James, whose face was very carefully blank. Remus knew that look; he was upset that the plan had been ruined, didn't dare act it. He usually wore it in Lily's presence.
“You were supposed to dive in face first and start eating, and then you'd find my face waiting for you with sweet, sweet kisses.”
James gagged quietly to himself. Peter rolled his eyes. Remus sighed, then pointed his wand at Peter and released him from the charm. Peter did not use his regained voice to thank him.
Remus stared at his three best friends, and wondered how it came to this, the lot of them in various stages of pouting and sulking. At him. On his birthday. He sighed.
“I just...come on, did you really think I was going to dive into a cake, in my living room, face first and just start eating with wild abandon? You've met me, right? Remus Lupin? Crafty bastard Marauder, to be sure, but the quiet, unassuming one who tends to make his mischief with quills and ink and parchment? The planner, the plotter, the one who did your homework when you served detentions for pranks I masterminded? Where in any of that did you think this would work?”
They were all silent. Until Peter started to giggle.
Remus frowned.
The giggling evolved into full-out laughter, and James's expression broke and he smacked Peter in the head. “Fucking hell, Wormtail! See? This is why we Silence you!”
Confused, Remus turned to Sirius, who was not laughing, but who was also no longer sulking. He was smiling wide. Remus was almost a bit scared.
“Of course we didn't expect you to do all that, Moony,” Sirius said, his eyes dancing. “Only bloody known you for ten years...”
Remus felt utterly lost, and he wasn't really appreciating the joke. “So...what the hell was the point? Just see how long you could string me along until I snapped? Happy fucking birthday?”
Sirius stepped forward quickly and put his hands on Remus's shoulders. “No no no! C'mon, you're the mad prank planning Marauder, what would be the point of something like this?”
“I dunno. We only ever...” His eyes widened. “Oh shit. This is just the distraction.”
James crowed. “Ten points to Gryffindor!”
Remus narrowed his eyes and looked around warily. “What have you done?”
Sirius took Remus's chin in his hand and turned his head to meet his eyes. “I just want you to remember, Remus Lupin, that I love you.”
Remus stepped backwards. “What have you done?”
“And because I love you,” Sirius said, not deterred from his speech, “and because I am secure enough to know that my love is one that is fully satisfying in every possible way-”
More gagging from the idiot gallery, but still Sirius pressed on.
“-I knew that it would be safe to get you this present.”
Remus half-expected Sirius to kneel down and pull out an engagement ring, though he wasn't entirely sure he'd want to put on something that could only be hidden in one place given Sirius's attire. Not that he wanted that kind of gesture at all.
Sirius reached forward and grabbed Remus's hand, tugging him as he started to walk to the window that peered into the building's postage stamp backyard.
Prepared for anything - fireworks, dancing gnomes, a sidecar for Sirius's motorcycle - Remus looked out carefully, and his mouth dropped open in shock.
“Sirius, that's...!” He felt Sirius press a kiss on his neck but found himself unable to turn away from the sight below. “That's...that's fucking Stubby Boardman! The Hob-fucking-goblins!”
“Happy Birthday, mate!” That was James, clapping Remus on the back and ruffling his hair.
“Yeah, Happy Birthday, Remus. Now can we please go downstairs?!”
Sirius snorted. “Yeah, get on out of here, you great twits. I've still got to change, and I expect Moony'll want to thank me more properly.”
Still staring out the window, Remus half-heard the sound of his two friends running like mad to get outside.
“I...how the hell, Padfoot? He's never done private functions!”
He could feel Sirius's hand tangle itself in the hair at the nape of Remus's neck, gently rubbing the skin underneath. “I have ways. It may have involved kidnapping a small child from St. Mungo's and pretending he's only got two weeks to live, but the details aren't important.”
Finally, Remus found himself able to turn away and look at his boyfriend. “Padfoot. I...”
Sirius smiled, leaned in and kissed Remus softly on the lips. “I love you. I know you've got a mad crush on that bloke, mostly 'cause he looks a bit like me, and you never let yourself lose yourself in anything anymore.” He laughed. “Well, nothing that you can do with all your friends and closest acquaintances involved.”
Remus smiled back, a full grin with teeth and dimples, and nodded back towards the bedroom. “Go put on some proper clothes so we can go outside and you won't lose your bits to frostbite. But don't lose this,” he added, tugging slightly on the edge of the sarong. “I'll want you back in it later.”
Sirius winked. “Whatever you say, Birthday Boy.” As he sauntered off to change, Remus threw open the window, charming the opening against the cold air, and leaned his head out to release a whoop of joy as the Hobgoblins started up their hit song, “Bludger To My Heart”, and began to sing along with the crowd below.
End.
End inspired by my current obsession with wizard rock. OMG. Also, wow, it's been a LONG TIME since I posted a fic around. How y'all doing, eh? :)