The usual rants and raves
Nothing new here. What else do I bitch about on Live Journal anyways? For an odd reason I’ve always been using this journal as a place to post my poetry, my failures, my incompetence and just any general shitty day/time I’ve had. I wonder why I go here instead of posting this kind of content on my Xanga or anywhere else for that matter, or even why I post this crap to begin with, but whatever, I guess I could say it makes me feel better about myself, or some other excuse to increase my feeling of my self worth.
I’ve always had a suspicion that somehow my general luck in life with other things takes away from others. Is this some kind of way to balance things out? Some sort of way to compensate? I’m not so sure entirely, but I have a strong feeling it is there. It is like I am damned to live alone and to drag things out to its furthest extent until its utterly painful existence is no more. Sure I wouldn’t say I’m the most lucky guy around, I do have my fair share of fucked up things in life happen to me but when I think I’m down and out, and everything is on the line, I always find some way to prevail over whatever it may be. For example, God knowingly I was not even supposed to be in High School. Well at least not St. Johns for that matter. Not with my grades, truancies and record. Yet I did need St. Johns because without it I would had just been your regular dropout, most likely committing more crimes and hooked on drugs which was a path I was surely on. Yet somehow I got into school and was able to turn my life around. I seriously doubt most other kids would have had the opportunities to change like that so suddenly but I did. And for that I’m grateful but for all my luck with other things, I’m always damned to be screwed over when it comes to relationships. Yes again, no matter what I do, what I try, nothing ever good happens. A lot of girls broke my heart, a lot played me for what I could offer them and a lot just took advantage of whatever they could. Sure some just never happened, but whatever it was, it was all the same, just no dice. An attempt that failed is still a failure no matter what the circumstances are. Again I’m alone, well not alone again, more like I’m still alone. I’ve been busy lately with a lot of things to focus on things such as this but as things start to slow down again, and the warm days of summer are coming I can’t help but think again with all this extra time. It really depresses me no matter what I do, what I try everything is just entirely useless. It’s only been five months since the year started and I’ve already had more girls than months passed that just ended horribly. A few screwed me over, a few didn’t go the right way and others I guess were just never there even though I thought it was. Just more lonely nights all over again I guess. Friends always say for me to wait and things will come into place, that maybe I’ve been looking in all the wrong places, and many other excuses but I can say that I’ve tried it all, or at least almost everything. I doubt I’ll ever venture into those online dating sites. But I’ve tried everything from meeting girls on the train, or outside, bars, parties, mutual friends and you name it. Everything, it just never worked. I’ve quickly grown accustomed to rejection, while each is just a simple rejection after a while it builds up and creates a serious gap in my confidence. If so many girls say I’m not good enough for them just from looks what does that mean about the rest of me? Sure everyone has their own preference in what they believe that is attractive or not, and I try not to be so picky and open-minded yet nothing. Sometimes I wonder, am I truly ugly? Sure I have plenty of friends that are girls, but I doubt most would even consider me for a boyfriend, and it is the same with them. Yet they all say I’d be a great boyfriend…yeah okay. Why do all the assholes get so many girls and leave them heart broken? Why can’t I be a heartbreaker like those guys? How come my heart is the one that is always getting broken? With every heartbreak I always feel emptier on the inside, I guess that’s why I turn to my bad habits of smoking and drinking so often as to forget about these voids. Sometimes I fear that my latest heartbreak will always be the last. It’s as if my heart has been broken so many times, that every time I try to put it back together I’m always missing a few pieces. Eventually after so many I’m missing so many pieces that I’m scared I won’t have any pieces left to pick up and put back together. Life gets difficult with this because I keep it all inside, I don’t have any friends I can talk to about my feelings on a level like this anymore. I’ve been betrayed, forgotten about and just plain left alone by the people I once believed I could trust with those deepest of emotions I feel. I guess using this journal as a way to write off what I can’t share helps as my own emotional therapy. Some days I miss the innocence and ignorance of my youth. What worry free days they were, when the scariest thing I believed that eating and apple seed would lead to a apple tree growing out of your stomach.
With this sad note, I’m off to enjoy my re-runs of M.A.S.H.
I’ve always had a suspicion that somehow my general luck in life with other things takes away from others. Is this some kind of way to balance things out? Some sort of way to compensate? I’m not so sure entirely, but I have a strong feeling it is there. It is like I am damned to live alone and to drag things out to its furthest extent until its utterly painful existence is no more. Sure I wouldn’t say I’m the most lucky guy around, I do have my fair share of fucked up things in life happen to me but when I think I’m down and out, and everything is on the line, I always find some way to prevail over whatever it may be. For example, God knowingly I was not even supposed to be in High School. Well at least not St. Johns for that matter. Not with my grades, truancies and record. Yet I did need St. Johns because without it I would had just been your regular dropout, most likely committing more crimes and hooked on drugs which was a path I was surely on. Yet somehow I got into school and was able to turn my life around. I seriously doubt most other kids would have had the opportunities to change like that so suddenly but I did. And for that I’m grateful but for all my luck with other things, I’m always damned to be screwed over when it comes to relationships. Yes again, no matter what I do, what I try, nothing ever good happens. A lot of girls broke my heart, a lot played me for what I could offer them and a lot just took advantage of whatever they could. Sure some just never happened, but whatever it was, it was all the same, just no dice. An attempt that failed is still a failure no matter what the circumstances are. Again I’m alone, well not alone again, more like I’m still alone. I’ve been busy lately with a lot of things to focus on things such as this but as things start to slow down again, and the warm days of summer are coming I can’t help but think again with all this extra time. It really depresses me no matter what I do, what I try everything is just entirely useless. It’s only been five months since the year started and I’ve already had more girls than months passed that just ended horribly. A few screwed me over, a few didn’t go the right way and others I guess were just never there even though I thought it was. Just more lonely nights all over again I guess. Friends always say for me to wait and things will come into place, that maybe I’ve been looking in all the wrong places, and many other excuses but I can say that I’ve tried it all, or at least almost everything. I doubt I’ll ever venture into those online dating sites. But I’ve tried everything from meeting girls on the train, or outside, bars, parties, mutual friends and you name it. Everything, it just never worked. I’ve quickly grown accustomed to rejection, while each is just a simple rejection after a while it builds up and creates a serious gap in my confidence. If so many girls say I’m not good enough for them just from looks what does that mean about the rest of me? Sure everyone has their own preference in what they believe that is attractive or not, and I try not to be so picky and open-minded yet nothing. Sometimes I wonder, am I truly ugly? Sure I have plenty of friends that are girls, but I doubt most would even consider me for a boyfriend, and it is the same with them. Yet they all say I’d be a great boyfriend…yeah okay. Why do all the assholes get so many girls and leave them heart broken? Why can’t I be a heartbreaker like those guys? How come my heart is the one that is always getting broken? With every heartbreak I always feel emptier on the inside, I guess that’s why I turn to my bad habits of smoking and drinking so often as to forget about these voids. Sometimes I fear that my latest heartbreak will always be the last. It’s as if my heart has been broken so many times, that every time I try to put it back together I’m always missing a few pieces. Eventually after so many I’m missing so many pieces that I’m scared I won’t have any pieces left to pick up and put back together. Life gets difficult with this because I keep it all inside, I don’t have any friends I can talk to about my feelings on a level like this anymore. I’ve been betrayed, forgotten about and just plain left alone by the people I once believed I could trust with those deepest of emotions I feel. I guess using this journal as a way to write off what I can’t share helps as my own emotional therapy. Some days I miss the innocence and ignorance of my youth. What worry free days they were, when the scariest thing I believed that eating and apple seed would lead to a apple tree growing out of your stomach.
With this sad note, I’m off to enjoy my re-runs of M.A.S.H.