Glow.
That's what being here fucking does to you.
I had an incredible day, even work was awesome because they put me on register and all my favorites were on.
Then I come home and get fucking shit on, verbally fucking shit on, by my own father.
I hate feeling worthless. And there's a way that he does it and it's so strong and severe that it goes right down to the core. The very center of who I am gets fucking effected by it and I lose it. My mind goes off the damn handle and I do everything short of banging my head into the wall to get rid of the feeling.
I ended up crying in John's ear. I felt like shit for doing it but at least he loves me and makes me feel like I DESERVE to be loved at all.
And in an instant I went from the glow of a good day, full of skin, snuggles, food and stories and smiles, cracking up laughing and disturbing everyone, screaming in the snow and the ice, and "you know, I really do love you so much." to tears.
Fucking bawling tears.
I couldn't even stop in the shower, which is the only place that makes me stop, ever.
I don't know how he's so capable of reducing me to being that person, every single time we fight I become that scared little girl that I fucking despise. I'm stronger than that, I KNOW I am, I've fucking forced myself to be that way after all the hell I've gone though, but he's the only person who can tear me down every single god damn time.
He goes for my weak spots. I build up more and more walls, he keeps coming and tearing them down.
John's grown to despise him. He hates him wholeheartedly, for what he does to me, for who he makes me, for how long he's BEEN doing this to me, and for all the nasty, mean, degrading things he says to and about John. And to and about me and my decisions from time to time.
He can remember back to when we first met, sitting at the school that's not even there anymore, my head resting on his shoulder crying big heavy tears down the front of his shirt because of the way I get treated. I was so depressed at that time I couldn't even look at myself in a mirror without bursting into tears. I was having anxiety attacks multiple times every single day. Basically, I was a mess.
I'd steal a few drags of his cigarette and he'd smooth my hair out and tell me my life would be better when I'm older.
At least it's better now than it was then, by far, and I hope it only gets better.
But still, I can't deal with who my father makes me become. I'm so stressed out right now that my body actually broke out in a fucking rash. This is bullshit. My health is not something to be fucked with. It's bad enough my hair fucking falls out all the time because of how mentally fucking destroyed I am.
I just can't, anymore. I need to move. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I hurt, and I don't want to anymore.
I miss Colorado, every single fucking day I wake up and realize where I am and that it's not my tan room with my tan rug and the huge sliding mirrored closet, and the big bay window, and I realize I'm sleeping on the fucking couch in my living room freezing to death because my father can't do shit, his life is "too hard" and he's yet to get his shit out of my room so I can have my damn bed back so at least I'm back in my own enviroment and not getting knots up and down my spine thanks to the couch.
I want my freedom back, and my friends, my apartment, my come and go as I please free will.
If I could have all that, and John too, I'd be fucking glorious.
But cake, and eating it too? Didn't someone say that's a big no no?
Piss off, I hate this.
=(
I had an incredible day, even work was awesome because they put me on register and all my favorites were on.
Then I come home and get fucking shit on, verbally fucking shit on, by my own father.
I hate feeling worthless. And there's a way that he does it and it's so strong and severe that it goes right down to the core. The very center of who I am gets fucking effected by it and I lose it. My mind goes off the damn handle and I do everything short of banging my head into the wall to get rid of the feeling.
I ended up crying in John's ear. I felt like shit for doing it but at least he loves me and makes me feel like I DESERVE to be loved at all.
And in an instant I went from the glow of a good day, full of skin, snuggles, food and stories and smiles, cracking up laughing and disturbing everyone, screaming in the snow and the ice, and "you know, I really do love you so much." to tears.
Fucking bawling tears.
I couldn't even stop in the shower, which is the only place that makes me stop, ever.
I don't know how he's so capable of reducing me to being that person, every single time we fight I become that scared little girl that I fucking despise. I'm stronger than that, I KNOW I am, I've fucking forced myself to be that way after all the hell I've gone though, but he's the only person who can tear me down every single god damn time.
He goes for my weak spots. I build up more and more walls, he keeps coming and tearing them down.
John's grown to despise him. He hates him wholeheartedly, for what he does to me, for who he makes me, for how long he's BEEN doing this to me, and for all the nasty, mean, degrading things he says to and about John. And to and about me and my decisions from time to time.
He can remember back to when we first met, sitting at the school that's not even there anymore, my head resting on his shoulder crying big heavy tears down the front of his shirt because of the way I get treated. I was so depressed at that time I couldn't even look at myself in a mirror without bursting into tears. I was having anxiety attacks multiple times every single day. Basically, I was a mess.
I'd steal a few drags of his cigarette and he'd smooth my hair out and tell me my life would be better when I'm older.
At least it's better now than it was then, by far, and I hope it only gets better.
But still, I can't deal with who my father makes me become. I'm so stressed out right now that my body actually broke out in a fucking rash. This is bullshit. My health is not something to be fucked with. It's bad enough my hair fucking falls out all the time because of how mentally fucking destroyed I am.
I just can't, anymore. I need to move. I need to get the fuck out of here.
I hurt, and I don't want to anymore.
I miss Colorado, every single fucking day I wake up and realize where I am and that it's not my tan room with my tan rug and the huge sliding mirrored closet, and the big bay window, and I realize I'm sleeping on the fucking couch in my living room freezing to death because my father can't do shit, his life is "too hard" and he's yet to get his shit out of my room so I can have my damn bed back so at least I'm back in my own enviroment and not getting knots up and down my spine thanks to the couch.
I want my freedom back, and my friends, my apartment, my come and go as I please free will.
If I could have all that, and John too, I'd be fucking glorious.
But cake, and eating it too? Didn't someone say that's a big no no?
Piss off, I hate this.
=(