Night 47: M41-M50 Hallway
McCoy listened to that crackling intercom with some concern. A "Mr. Radio?", "P.A.I.L.?" Coupled along with the smugness and that cackling, he had to say it sounded like this head Doctor had gone off the deep end himself long ago. Somehow it made sense. Only a mad man could conjure up all this
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He opened it, intending only to dress himself, but noticed the hatchet resting in the corner. Shoulders visibly dropping ever so slightly, there was suddenly a gray cloud hanging over his head. It was almost sobering, seeing the hatchet there, remembering what had happened, what he'd done... How he was almost knowingly disregarding his own promise to Schuldig to take care of himself. But he couldn't help it. What was the point anymore? He couldn't fight it, he was a danger to himself and others without even trying to be. He could skip through a field of daisies in broad daylight, and probably trip over a bear trap.
"I'm going to run a small errand," Artemis said, looking back at Haku with a very large, very forced smile. "Schuldig will be wanting his hatchet back, I shouldn't be but a moment."
He pulled his belt out of the closet, belted it around his sweatpants, and slipped his sword into place. Next, his tie went around his neck and he picked up the hatchet. As far as he was concerned, he needed something to do while walking there and back, and tying his tie was the best thing he could come up with. He wouldn't have to tie it later, obviously.
"There and back again, nothing too dangerous at this time of night," he assured Haku, moving towards the door and somehow managing to start the knot while holding a hatchet.
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He was coming with, his posture said, and Artemis wasn't going to convince him otherwise.
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"I'll be fine, I promise," Artemis said, trying to dissuade Haku from coming with him. "You should be resting. I'll be back before you even get into bed at this rate."
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He gestured to the door and smiled. "So, shall we?"
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"Alright..." Artemis said, sounding as though he was only grudgingly agreeing. "But we're only handing it off then heading right back. ...I don't feel like going out tonight."
Tie tied around his neck, hatchet in hand and sword in his belt, he stepped out of the room and turned in the direction of Schuldig's room.
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By the time he'd gotten to the right block of hallways he couldn't distract himself so easily anymore. He didn't drag his feet or try to prolong the walk. It was as much as he could have done not to run here in a panic. He had all of nothing planned except to stay calm and -- and that was it. What was he supposed to say? 'Maybe you should talk to a therapist'?
He caught sight of Arty pretty easily... or at least an Arty-shaped bit of darkness carrying a hatchet. He jogged the last few steps to catch the boy before he got too far out. If Schuldig was up for it, he could use a hand.
"Hey. Guess I'm early for once."
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He was hoping that someone would tell him what was going on so that he wasn't so blind here.
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Not to mention he was starting to feel keenly embarrassed by what was certain to come. When Artemis had been posting on the bulletin, he hadn't thought (or really, couldn't think) of what the consequences would be. The idea that Badou, Schuldig, Haku, or anyone else who would panic, reading his notes hadn't occurred to him at all. However in this moment of clarity, he decided that this was quite possibly the worst way for Haku to discover that Artemis had made a pact with a possibly psychotic chainsaw murderer. He wished they could at least sit down in some form of comfort, perhaps with tea, so this could all be explained calmly and rationally. Perhaps with diagrams.
"Ah..." Artemis said, sounding less-than-thrilled to see Badou. That was expected, wasn't it? "I'd hoped I would be able to give this back before we... talk," Artemis said, holding up the hatchet. Though he suspected that Badou waiting wouldn't happen in the slightest.
"Before he says anything," he continued quickly, turning to Haku and putting a hand on his shoulder. "I didn't ask you to do it because I didn't think you would agree to--not because I didn't think you would do it properly or cleanly. I'm certain you're very capable."
For a moment, this whole situation equated to a dinner party: some guests just didn't get along with others, and thus couldn't be invited. Artemis didn't want to offend Haku by not extending the invitation to carry out Artemis' last wish--especially when he cared for the other boy so much--but something told him Haku would reject the invitation even if it was given. So really, he was sparing everyone's feelings and valuable time. Completely logical.
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He had, in fact, opened his mouth to reply - sure, let's all go together and talk - when Artemis jumped in.
Badou closed his mouth again, jaw set. Well, that answered that question in a way only Artemis could. 'I'm going to kill myself, and I know it was ever so rude not to ask you to do it but I made your favourite crumpets for the occasion...' Fucking beautiful.
"He hired some psycho on the bulletin to help him commit suicide," Badou supplied. "You two want to talk a minute? I can return that and ask how Schuldig feels about tea and crumpets."
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"I see." As was his voice. "Well, that certainly doesn't explain a thing. He did not share his desire to kill himself with me, and considering that I've apparently been unconsious most of the day, that's understandable. Still, I would like to think there is a very good reason for this?" He lifted an eyebrow and for a brief moment a very, very cold breeze picked up around him before vanishing. "Otherwise I might be upset."
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...He had made a request for assisted suicide, hadn't he? There was no way to argue it: he'd asked someone to kill him if he couldn't fix the problem.
The realization (or rather, the moment of light coming from between the clouds) left him with a prickly, sick feeling in his mouth--and he might have been sick if he'd eaten anything that day. What about his promise to Schuldig? What about the people he would leave behind? What about his home, his family, his empire, his friends? What would be said about him when he was gone? That he'd taken the easy way out and had nothing to show for it, probably. That he'd left everyone and everything behind without giving it everything he had, and abandoned those who had fought with him so loyally without looking back.
For the second time in three days, Artemis didn't know who he was. Someone, something that wasn't Sean and wasn't him was creeping into his mind--stroking his hair and holding him gently, and whispering how wonderful it would be to just lie back and let it all happen. He couldn't stop it anyway, so why bother? And the noise... it must have been unbearable after ten whole days of no peace, simply awful. Poor, poor tired boy... Gaining and losing so much so fast--he should rest. Just rest, and let someone else take over. Someone who didn't care how things turned out. Someone like whoever was growing exponentially, and infesting his mind while he was weak.
The cold air blowing past him brought him out of the labyrinth of his cyclical thoughts. Upon reentry, he found his eyelashes were stuck together from tears that had welled in his eyes as he'd thought. His hands were shaking slightly, and the hatchet felt incredibly heavy. Possibly what scared him the most was the look on Haku's face. Artemis had never seen Haku looking so terrifyingly angry--even when Haku's face was unreadable, it still looked less cold and frightening than what Artemis was seeing now. He tried to find some relief via Badou, but he realized that his adopted uncle was probably no less happy than Haku was. Perhaps just better at disguising it, save the jaw.
"There is no good reason," Artemis replied, looking back at Haku. "The noise is killing my mind, and without my mind I can't protect my body. I can't... I can't tell where I end and everyone else begins anymore.
"I'm dying," he looked between Badou and Haku, as though he couldn't decide who he was addressing. "Without my mind, without the ability to hold onto myself, I'm as good as dead. I can't go on like this, I can't... I can't fight anymore, there's nothing left for me to fight with!"
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Badou exhaled a last breath of smoke and flicked his cigarette away. He didn't light another one. So that was the whole story. They were damned either way, apparently, because whatever weird magic Artemis had in him cost too much. Or would, eventually.
He wasn't sure if he really, really wanted to hit something or just turn around and run back the way he'd come. It was just a day for things he really didn't want to deal with. He brushed the tears away with the pad of his thumb almost absently.
"Nothing left to fight with?" His voice came out even, but there was an undercurrent of anger, his eye narrow and his shoulders tense. "You've got a bunch of people willing to throw their lives away for you. You should have mentioned you didn't care about it that much."
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"Badou-san's right. If that's how you feel, then I can do it. I have no problem flinging us both from the top of the roof here." He frowned, this time thoughtfully.
"Or I would if I thought it would do any good. Unfourtunatly, it would seem that death is not the end in this place. I thought you already knew that though."
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Artemis felt as though this was spiraling completely out of his control. He didn't want anyone to throw their life away for him, he wanted everyone to stay safe. Haku's statement though, made him pause. He hadn't thought of what would happen after he was gone, and he certainly hadn't thought Haku would follow him. Not because he didn't think Haku cared--it was just hard for him to project the consequences of his actions past what would happen to him.
"It isn't that I don't care about my own life, or yours," he said, looking between them. "But... you don't understand, I can't hear myself. I've never had this much continuous noise in my head before, I can't take it!
"I just wanted it to be quiet... I just want to hear something I recognize as my own thought. I want to be able to eat a meal without someone screaming or sobbing or lighting something on fire without any warning at all.
"It was just a last resort..." he said, his tone becoming extremely defensive. "I was going to do everything I could before... And even if it isn't the end, it's something I could try to make it stop."
Artemis looked down at the floor, ashamed that he was even having this conversation. If only he'd been able to forsee this, he wouldn't have said anything at all. He would have reacted like a normal, healthy person would have reacted when faced with the suggestion that he should kill himself: abjection; a natural reaction that killing himself was the last thing he wanted to do, as it would cause him and everyone else pain.
"I don't want anyone to throw away anything for me," he said quietly. "And I don't want to use anyone to fight my battles. If I lose this fight, then I lose and it won't be anyone's loss but my own." Of course, in his opinion, he'd lost the battle the night he'd been taken for experimentation. He'd be fine if it hadn't been for that doctor and the nodes in his back. Biting his lip, he felt his throat tightening again for the second night in a row. Just thinking about the foreign objects in him made him want to scream and tear something apart.
"How... How can I ask you both to fight this with me when there's virtually nothing that can be done? All of it is in my head, chipping away at my sanity. Taking every tool I have to work against it. What can you do to make it stop?" Artemis asked, not intending the question to be accusatory in the least. If anything, he was only trying to make them think about the situation from his perspective.
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He had some way of putting it, but at least Haku wasn't gung-ho about a double suicide or anything. Artemis, on the other hand...
"You're having this much trouble and the first person you went to was some creep you don't even know. Don't give me that bullshit. By the time you're making plans to die you've already given up. And what? We're supposed to shrug it off after? Like you shrugged off everyone else who died here? It was so much fun you thought you should share?" It was an effort not to shout or just damn well hit him. (Well, physically.) But he knew at least some of that anger was directed at the combination of things that had dragged them all to this point in the first place. Arty just happened to be a tangible, readily available target who really deserved at least one punch. Really, they were great for each other sometimes.
He hadn't been aware of clenching his fist until he opened it again. He settled for resting a hand on Artemis' other shoulder and shaking him hard. He wasn't nearly as gentle as Haku, and if his grip was bruising then oh fucking well. "Look at me. You're not stupid. Stop acting like it. Did you even think to ask if someone here could help you out? Maybe not us. Anyone. How many fucking powers are locked up in this place? How many people might be able to help you deal with what you've got, even if it can't be cured? Shit happens. Sometimes you lose something you don't ever get back." He faltered there and let go of Artemis' shoulder. Without much thought behind it, he let his fingers slip under the straps of his eyepatch and pulled it free with a humorless grin. "So you give up and let it fester until it kills you too or you take the scars and do whatever you can. And trust me Arty, I wouldn't like you half as much if I didn't think you could take a few scars. There's no 'last resort.' You understand? You don't die unless something fucking well eats you alive."
He bounced the eyepatch in his palm, head cocked thoughtfully. "...Wow, I sounded pretty cool there. Think I should write all that down?"
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He stepped up, getting more into Artemis's space than he usually did in the halls here. "Did you think dying was easy? That choosing to die is something that you can do on a whim? I had no idea you thought so little of me. Or of the people here that have died for others." Shaking his head, he almost reached out to touch, then took his hand back.
"Badou-san is right. You are stronger than this and we both know you are not stupid so stop and think. You said it was as though your thoughts weren't your own, right? This ... suicide certainly doesn't sound like the Artemis that Badou-san or I know."
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