Day 43: Waiting Room / Lobby 1

[arc_wrench]

Well, today was certainly turning out to be... interesting. A few things seemed to be going as planned, for once! Soon, he might not have to deal with so many actual meatbags quite so often! It made his personality core very nearly glow with excitement

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[wantsyourzex]

Another visitor.

He knew so few people... it was most likely DAX. His Captain, after all, was dead and wouldn't be seeing anyone anymore. DAX had visited him before... no doubt it would be him again.

ZEX wasn't quite sure how to feel about that. His false life, the person Dexter told him about... Previously, what had held him here was his refusal to leave his Captain behind. That obviously wasn't a problem anymore... he had no Captain. He might not have even had a world anymore, or even a life back home. He could return to a dead body, or if not that, the dead bodies of everyone he knew and loved. What was there to go back to? Neither life sounded particularly appealing.

DAX... if only it was the DAX he knew. He'd always felt comfortable talking to him. But if nothing else... he knew this DAX had DAX's voice. Hearing a familiar voice might make him feel better... at this point he was desperate for anything to make him feel better. This numb emptiness made him feel heavy and hopeless.

ZEX sat in a chair and buried his head in his hands. He felt drained and tired and wanted more than anything to go to sleep and wake up back home as himself again, with things the way they should be. Not the best of moods for receiving visitors, but if Dexter was anything like his counterpart, he wouldn't mind.

He missed his home more than he ever thought he would. His crewmen, his friends, his family, his Captain. His human love. ZEX shivered miserably. He wanted this all to be over. Wasn't this enough? What more did they want from him?

[damned_visitors]

Dexter was unfortunately several minutes late -- a fact that put him in even fouler a mood than was the norm, despite it being no fault of his own. The fact was Madame Vyer had apparently forgotten which day it was, or else didn't care about Dexter's self-imposed promise to visit her son. Either way, she'd kept him from leaving on time; but of course Dexter would say nothing of this, unless asked directly, seeing no point in offering excuses.

He frowned deeply as he was escorted into the room, seeing Max, if anything, in an even worse state than he had been the week before. Striding quickly across the room, Dexter set a hand on Max's shoulder, putting his own personal concerns aside for the moment as he focused on his former charge, asking in a dry voice, "Sir...what have you gotten yourself into this time?"

[wantsyourzex]

ZEX didn't notice he'd been kept waiting - time at this point meant little to him. After all, his mind seemed all too happy to fill in any idle moments with graphic memories of last night. What had happened, how he'd died, how it felt. What he'd said. What he should have done.

He was lost in his thoughts when someone touched him, and he looked up, blinking slowly. ZEX's eyes hurt when they closed, apparently not happy with all the water his body felt compelled to force out of him for some bizarre reason. How this behavior related to how he felt was a mystery... It was like human grieving was designed to be as nonsensical and irritating as possible.

And then he heard his voice, that perfect inflection and dialect that defined DAX, living proof of his home and his world and his life, and he latched onto it with all his strength. He shivered for a moment, nostalgia and longing and homesickness almost painful, and his eyes watered again. He wanted to go home, he wanted DAX to take him home, why was he like this, why was this happening to him-

"He's gone," ZEX said, his voice breaking. It was like there was a piece of reality right in front of him and yet, somewhere where he couldn't reach. It was so close and still so far and it hurt. "He's dead, he's gone." Into a rough sob he didn't know how to fight back.

If this DAX was anything like the real one, then he'd probably tell him to pull himself together and at this point, ZEX craved it because at least it'd be something normal. He wanted more than anything for DAX to take on his normal form, wake him up from this nightmare, but he knew from experience that wanting something, no matter how much or for how long, didn't make it happen. All he could do was cling to the scraps of normalcy as best he could.

[damned_visitors]

"Who's gone?" Dexter asked, frowning all the more. He shook Max slightly, before releasing his shoulder and sitting in the chair opposite him. "Sir, pull yourself together and talk to me."

To say he found seeing Max this broken disturbing, would be an understatement. Max had his moments of childish rage and sorrow, of course, but they always quickly passed, as though his mind refused to dwell on anything that didn't please him in some way. Much as it had always irritated Dexter in the past, he found he preferred it to seeing Max in his current state.

[wantsyourzex]

There, that was something normal, and it came with a sense of almost palpable relief. Strangely enough, that didn't seem to make his eyes stop watering. You'd think a more positive feeling like that would make a behavior connected to sadness cease, but instead it almost seemed to lend it strength. Human bodies made no sense at all.

He hated this, it felt like his body was getting further out of his control with every moment. There was so much here he couldn't control and he was getting so tired of it. He took a deep shaky breath and tried to focus, although he wasn't sure what part of his human body to focus on. He rubbed at his eyes, tried to control his breathing with a little bit of success. The unconscious elements of this behavior made it difficult to control, or to know what it was he should flex or do to make it stop... but he could at least try.

"My Captain, my human love, he's gone. He died last night." Trying desperately to get himself under control. "He's gone and there's nothing I can do." Vaguely, he remembered that DAX probably wouldn't know his human by his real name, but he wasn't in much of a state to remember what his Captain's false name was at the moment. "I couldn't protect him." And that was what galled him the most; what good were his prodigious skills if he couldn't save the one thing he cared about? He couldn't even save one human... his human had even saved him that one time and he couldn't even return the favor. ZEX buried his head in his hands.

[damned_visitors]

"Your 'captain...?'" For a brief moment, Dexter was at a loss. Obviously Max was talking about some figure from his fantasy world, but not one Dexter had ever heard of before. And why Max should choose to kill off a figure he'd created in the first place...Well, if any of it made sense, Max wouldn't have been here in the first place, would he?

Wait...the last time he'd been here, hadn't Max referred to...? "Do you mean Caleb Sterne?" Dexter asked, a hint of ice creeping into his tone from just being forced to mention that man's name. Of course Max would have continued to cling to the one person he expressly needed to avoid...and if anything had happened to Caleb, of course Max would treat it as the end of the world.

[wantsyourzex]

Caleb... Caleb, yes, that sounded right. It was so hard to think of him as anything other than his Captain, his most precious possession that had so unfairly been ripped from him. So beautiful in red and white and gold...

Bleeding in front of him, dying...

"Yes, that's what they called him." Struggling to stay focused, and he kept his attention on DAX's voice, something familiar and real. Or at least, as close to real as one could come here. "He's gone... he's dead. I tried my best, but... he's gone."

I want him back. It was too easy to lose himself in memories of him, his face, his voice, his actions, his words, and it was suffocating. That feeling, like drowning... He looked up to look at DAX, expecting to see his Sub-commander's face and instead... that vaguely familiar human stared at him. More than anything he wished he was looking at DAX, at a VUX, that things were normal, that everything wasn't slowly coming unraveled around him, that his escapes weren't all being torn down one by one with each passing day.

He missed his Captain, he missed his ship, he missed his world, he missed his children, he missed DAX, he missed himself. It surged up as he looked at DAX, willing him to change into his right form, for things to be normal but it didn't work, it never worked and his human body slipped out of his control and sobbed again. It was an unpleasant behavior, his breath catching and eyes hurting and the fact he had no idea how to fight it only made it worse.

"I want to go home," he managed to get out, and it wasn't so much directed at DAX as it was to anyone charitable who was listening. The Creator perhaps, although they'd never shown pity on him before.

[damned_visitors]

Dexter sighed, reaching out to rest a hand on Max's shoulder.

"Whatever happened to Mr. Sterne, sir, I doubt he's actually dead," he said, with surprising tenderness. "It's far more likely that he was simply no longer needed treatment, and was released from the hospital's care." Or some family member or friend had decided to remove him. For safety's sake, Dexter would have to check; there was no telling what Sterne might do, if he ever regained the memory of how exactly he had ended up at Landel's in the first place. He carefully filed that thought away for later consideration, focusing on Max.

"I would like to take you home," Dexter admitted, before returning to his usual firm, business-like tone. "But for now your place is here. Perhaps now that Mr. Sterne is no longer here to distract you, you will finally concentrate on your own recovery."

[wantsyourzex]

ZEX sniffled, trying his best to fight something he barely understood and keep his breathing in check. It was so hard to find what controlled this behavior, what made his eyes water so much and his throat constrict. It was so uncomfortable, and it made speech difficult.

"But I saw it happen, watched him- he told me... he said I was..." ZEX tried and trailed off, staring at DAX with an increasingly crestfallen expression. "You don't believe me, do you?" ZEX pressed a hand against one of his eyes, shutting the other tightly. "None of this is real to you, you don't believe me." Although, the idea that his Captain had just been moved somewhere else was far more palatable than him dying horribly. In that case, at least his Captain was still alive.

That last night was just a dream... it would have been nice, but it was almost too easy. He knew what he saw. He could still see it, clear as day, replaying over and over in his mind. If only it had all been a lie...

Then again, what proof did he have? His memories... and Tanaka's. Subjective and easily altered...

ZEX took in a shuddering breath, one hand still in place over his eye. "What good does this place do me..." His voice was hoarse and worn. "Recovery... and become what? Some pathetic lonely wretch, irresponsible and aimless..."

And vaguely, the threat of Max's life being his real life reared its head again, that his memories could all be false and he could not live a lie if that turned out to be the case, but he thought of his uniform in his room and it quieted somewhat. Even if his Captain was gone, there was still some evidence that he wasn't entirely insane.

"I learned some more things about Max..." ZEX said, and coughed. His head hurt, his throat hurt, his eyes hurt... how did humans survive when their bodies were so fragile? He glanced at DAX from the corner of his eye. "I don't know why you'd want him back."

He wasn't sure if he should have said that, but there it was and he couldn't take it back now.

[damned_visitors]

To be perfectly frank, no; Dexter didn't believe any of Max's stories about aliens and spaceships, and he didn't see why realizing this should come as such a surprise to Max. They were plainly escapist fantasies taken too far, and if Max's parents had cared even a little bit about their son's well-being, rather than just appearances -- well, there was nothing to be gained by dwelling on such things. Suffice to say that Max probably should have given access to psychiatric help years earlier and leave it at that.

Dexter raised an eyebrow at Max's next statement, however. "You've regained some of your memories...?" he asked doubtfully, bracing himself for another round of psychic toucans or whatever else Max had invented this time.

[wantsyourzex]

DAX probably wouldn't look too kindly on the fact that ZEX had broken into the patient's files and stolen a few things, even if he'd had a good reason. Which meant that he was going to have to slightly misrepresent the truth, although that wasn't something he was unfamiliar with, necessarily.

"I know a few things..." ZEX said, wondering just how specific he could get without exactly confirming that he personally remembered anything. He couldn't remember a life he hadn't lived... if indeed he hadn't lived it after all. "It's all sort of vague..." A bit difficult to reconstruct a life from brief words on a chart. If he could work in some details correctly... if he remembered right, Max had some particular issues he could exploit. "I suppose some of the things Max did before might have some part in that..."

ZEX stared off into the distance, trying to remember more of what he'd read in the file and not let his mind wander onto tangents about his Captain and his file. What had happened to it, now that his Captain was gone? Did it still exist?

He could remember the list of relationships in Max's file, and how short it had been. ZEX sighed... what kind of life would that be to go back to? It wasn't his, he was sure of it... "He seemed... very alone."

[damned_visitors]

To Dexter's practiced eyes, it was obvious that Max was attempting to hide something. The true extent of his memories? It would be just like him to exaggerate an infirmity, though Dexter remembered how...well, how messed up he'd been, when he'd first been admitted to Landel's. He knew Max hadn't been faking then; if he was starting to show signs of hypochondria or malingering now, could it be a sign of recovery...?

He shook his head slightly, cross with himself. That wasn't his sort of judgment to make.

"You never did make friends easily," he commented, with his usual flair of the understatement. "But that's hardly a reason to turn your back on your entire life." Many people got through life perfectly well with little to no friends. Besides, Max had Dexter, didn't he? So he wouldn't be truly alone in any case.

[wantsyourzex]

If DAX had had his natural body, ZEX would have been able to read him without any trouble, know that he suspected that he was hiding something and know how to react, but he and DAX were human now, and given to a host of behaviors and reactions that made no sense to him at all. He couldn't read anything subtle into DAX's expression or his mannerisms that gave him any indication that he was on to him.

"Yes, it seems that was the case... difficulty making friends." ZEX paused, then glanced at Dexter again. "I wonder why that was."

Although, Max's lack of interpersonal contacts meant he probably never had to feel like this. Had Max ever lost someone? Who did Max have to lose? He was responsible for his Captain's counterpart coming here, although the two of them didn't seem to know each other for very long. He had his parents... were they upset? DAX hadn't mentioned them being terribly concerned for his wellbeing. No doubt Max had never felt this ache, this numbness, this overpowering desire for things to be fixed, to be better, to bring someone back to life. The pain that came with every thought about them, the wish that one's willpower alone could change reality to the way it should be.

In a way, Max was lucky. All he had were his parents, both presumably alive, and...

and Dexter.

For a moment, ZEX pulled himself out of his self-absorbed cocoon of mourning, and he realized that if Max had not lost someone, Dexter must have. He came to see him here... what must that have been like, to know someone for so long and suddenly be faced with a stranger? To have someone so close, and so far away...

Distinctly echoing how he'd felt before, and ZEX trembled and ran a hand through his hair. There was no satisfactory explanation for this, for DAX, for Max and his false life. None of it added up, none of it made sense, and if Max was real, what had happened to him when ZEX took his body?

"This must be terrible for you..." In a rare moment of empathy, however misguided it may have been. DAX, after all, had never been very open with his emotions. ZEX lifted his hand off his eye and stared at his fingers. "Someone you care about becoming a stranger without warning... You said you knew me since I was sixteen. All those years together, and I can't..." If it had happened, if he really was Max Vyer, and he had evidence both for and against that. He shut his eyes and replaced his hand. "What that must be like... suddenly losing someone..." And the rest of his thought trailed off, back to his Captain, and his eyes started stinging again.

[damned_visitors]

"I couldn't say," Dexter said stiffly. It wasn't his place to criticize his employers, or the way they had raised their son.

That moment of empathy was equally surprising for Dexter; how many times had Max stopped to think about the effect his actions might have on others, when he wasn't deliberately trying to act out? He was always so self-absorbed -- no, self-centered was a better phrase. Dexter took a moment before answering, not wanting his voice to betray him.

"It has been difficult," he admitted, speaking carefully. "Frustrating, mostly; if there were some way I could help you recover myself, I would." It was maddening, entrusting everything to the doctors. Dexter had grown used to micromanaging Max's life, and now he had no say in the proceedings at all.

[wantsyourzex]

A fairly neutral response that technically answered the question while giving him as little information as possible. ZEX missed DAX and his home so much it almost hurt. Every time this human in front of him coincided with his memories of DAX, voices and speech patterns and mannerisms lining up, it brought back memories of his home to him so vividly, and yet it was all so far away. They were still two humans sitting together in some mental hospital, a far cry from two VUX at Cerenkov. When he closed his eyes...

He wasn't sure if DAX would open up to him or not. His DAX back home never made it easy, and preferred to keep his secrets, not that ZEX was a person who was easily dissuaded. This DAX... he wasn't sure. They had a relationship, or DAX had a relationship with someone else that had been in his body... it was an awkward situation. He had so many questions about this entire thing... about this false life he supposedly led. He wasn't sure how helpful it would be in the long run, but information was always useful... wasn't it?

DAX's answer was about what he'd expected... just a brief glimpse of emotion, but if he was anything like his counterpart, he had to read things more carefully than that. ZEX struggled and managed a weak laugh. "You couldn't do much worse than this place so far." He waved a hand at the walls around him. "One might think they were deliberately trying to drive one mad..."

Which was probably true, although he still couldn't think of a motive for driving a motley assortment of people insane. ZEX sighed. "I don't know why they don't just kill us and get it over with... I don't know what they want from us." Totally unaware of how he might have sounded to someone who hadn't fought undead monsters last night only to wake up in bed the next morning, minus one member of their party...

"If they are trying to drive us mad..." With a faint laugh. "I suppose I can't find much fault with their methods so far." He wasn't sure how much more of this he could take. He looked back to DAX, foreign and familiar all at once. "At this point I'd almost rather take my chances with you."

[damned_visitors]

Dexter frowned deeply; that was not the kind of thing he wanted to hear. "The staff here are not trying to drive you mad," he said sternly. "They're trying to help you recover. What makes you think otherwise?"

Did Max still believe he was being hounded by monsters? His system should have been entirely clear of drugs by now, and Dexter hadn't been under the impression that permanent damage had been done. Then again, the doctors would hardly tell the hired help everything about their patient, would they?

To Max's last remark, Dexter said nothing, though his expression softened slightly, for just a moment. It wasn't worth considering; even if he could have taken Max out of here, something he had no authority to do, there was nothing he could do that the doctors couldn't do better. It was more likely that he would just make things worse, in his ignorance.