Day 30: Cafeteria, Dinner

[captain_hunam]

The cafeteria was all but empty when Zelnick got there. He was a little disappointed; he had gotten the impression that patients usually ate dinner in their rooms, so he hadn't arranged to meet anyone, and there really wasn't anyone to sit by and engage in conversation yet

Comments

even in the midst of a minor panic attack, he'd never say no

[wantsyourzex]

So the Captain heard him speaking human, or English, or whatever he preferred to call it...

He heard him say it in VUX, with the correct intonations and emphasis like he'd been speaking it his entire life. How had he not noticed this before?

"You're speaking one of our dialects..." A detail that would no doubt be as meaningless to the Captain as its counterpoint was to him. "You're speaking VUX... everyone here is. They write in it, too... your note... your note was written in VUX." ZEX paused, apparently grasping for words, and he pressed a hand to his head in a gesture he wasn't aware he knew. "I don't know why I didn't notice this before... I just, I was so used to understanding everyone else, but... this doesn't make any sense. How could you write- I'm speaking VUX now and you understand me, or at least, I think I am. Have I gone mad?"

He'd faced a similar identity crisis before, where he lacked the ability to define himself as a VUX because he simply was not what defined a VUX. Sexual identity and orientation was such a crucial part of VUX culture and society that it was the basis on which almost all relationships were formed, where all sense of self developed. ZEX was not able to define himself that way, and for some time he did not know who he was except that he was not what everything told him he was, and it was one of the most painful experiences of his life. He'd been determined not to repeat it, and once he'd sorted through the entire mess, he'd embraced his newfound, unexplored sexual identity with unchecked enthusiasm because it meant he would always know who he was, no matter what happened to him.

That was countless years ago, decades ago, and to feel this way again was jarring and emotionally distressing to say the least. How could he even be reading things written in a different language? Everything inside him said VUX, and now everything outside him said human, and nothing had caused him to doubt the veracity of his inner nature until now.

He would not do this again. He buried his hands in his hair, tried not to focus on the strange sensation of it, of hands, and decided he would not allow this to happen. He was Admiral ZEX, that could not change. It would not change.

"There is an explanation for this..." ZEX said softly, struggling to calm himself down. "I'm sure there is. I'm not..."

I'd never hesitate to give him one, epsecially not in the midst of a minor panic attack.

[captain_hunam]

Zelnick couldn't possibly understand how horrible this was for ZEX; his displacement hadn't been anywhere near as complete as ZEX's, and "indentity crisis" had never been one of the problems Zelnick had.

He could understand that, whatever was going through ZEX's head, it was upsetting him badly-- and not just bitter-about-how-much-his-species-sucks upset. Seeing someone who had, in Zelnick's brief experiences with him, been so self-assured, so very grounded in confidence, wrought with doubt...

It was almost painful.

"Hey," he said, as gently as he could-- this was different from sad-and-bitter ZEX, "it's..." well, obviously it wasn't all right, it was clear as crystal that it wasn't all right. "I'm sure you're right, Admiral, there's got to be an explanation. If whoever bought us here could put you into a human body, they could... implant a subdermal translator chip, or have some sort of psychic field that translates-- I'm pretty sure that's how the Talking Pets work-- or... or something." Hesitantly, he slid his chair up next to ZEX's and rested a hand on his back.

[wantsyourzex]

Think clearly and focus. Make a plan, see it through, and work. Do not doubt, succeed.

Old thoughts that kept him steady and calm during the War, able to plot and plan the deaths of hundreds, thousands. Enabled him to kill as many as was necessary to win one skirmish after another. Natural and mechanical.

ZEX's voice was quiet and completely serious. "There must be an explanation for this... this place changes completely from day to night through means unknown. Something like this would likely be within their power, or perhaps they modified my human brain like you suggest and implanted a translating device to alter my perceptions." It didn't answer any questions definitively, but it was enough for now. ZEX had both eyes open, but wasn't staring at anything definite. His voice lowered, as though he was speaking to himself. "I know I am not human, I am not Max Vyer. I am Admiral ZEX, this is a fact. I am a VUX, regardless of my appearance. Fact. The language I speak or hear does not change this. Most likely another method of wearing down prisoners here so they can be manipulated more easily. Inspiring doubt. It is a gambit, I reject the terms."

ZEX mumbled to himself a bit further, sentences not quite coming together completely and his eyes narrowed. The Captain's touch made him flinch just slightly, his entire body tense, and when he turned to look at the Captain, his eyes were distant and cold.

"Acceptable risk..." The end of the last sentence of his mumbled thoughts, and he stared at the Captain a bit longer before his eyes softened, and he saw him again. He didn't smile, but his voice had a tinge of his usual energy. "I apologize for my conduct. I was unprepared for this situation."

[captain_hunam]

Zelnick was silent and still through... whatever internal battle ZEX was fighting, trying to be there, even when ZEX looked at him more coldly than he had ever imagine looks could be.

At ZEX's apology, Zelnick forced a weak smile. "I'd worry about the mental stability of someone who was prepared. Who expects to be thrown into a new, unfamiliar body, and into a place where little to nothing makes sense?" Despite ZEX seeming to feel better, Zelnick kept a comforting hand on his back-- the way ZEX had been mumbling, Zelnick was pretty sure the Admiral had been trying to talk himself back into internal equilibrium, but wasn't sure if it had entirely worked. "Still, you're still yourself, right? Even in a crazy situation like this." Almost unconsciously, he rubbed his hand in soothing circles on ZEX's back, like his parents would to him when he was a kid... and this place was certainly a nightmare. Fleetingly, Zelnick wished his parents were there with him, to give him some of that advice he had never listened to as a teenager.

[wantsyourzex]

"This entire experience has been... stressful." ZEX looked exhausted, as if all his years had suddenly caught up with him. "I do try to handle everything with as much grace as I can, no matter what the situation but sometimes..." He hesitated... it was almost difficult to say out loud. "I suppose even I can only take so much. One shock after another today, and one with the most distasteful echoes..."

ZEX looked at the Captain and focused on how he felt everytime he looked at him, that desire to have him in every way he could imagine in this body or any other, and his doubt faded, replaced by permanence. Identity. He smiled at him, weak and worn. "I'm sure I am still myself now. You're a most potent reminder, my Captain." Although he doubted the human would ever understand why. "For a moment though... I suppose I wondered. I haven't done that in decades... that's why I was temporarily..." what word to use, "...unsettled. I'll be alright."

Especially if he kept that pleasant contact between them. Hands provided a method of touch between humans that ZEX had never personally experienced until recently, and while his natural arms could twine and twist in ways impossible for humans, his natural form also made it difficult to rub things the way a hand could. A broad flat surface for contact, and the motion wasn't pronounced, but noticable and comforting. He wasn't sure if it was a natural human reaction, or just the fact that his human Captain was touching him again that made him feel... somewhat normal. Affection for him was so grounding.

He still didn't know what was going on, and there were still nagging questions that he didn't have answers to, and he still felt a little unnerved and strange after his momentary lapse, but for now he just appreciated the moment. It felt real.

... this was hard to write, I kept on getting teary-eyed re-reading your post

[captain_hunam]

Once again, Zelnick wondered how long ZEX had been here, and how lonely it must have been. "I doubt I'd have fared so well," he murmured, quite truthfully. He had taken almost everything so far in stride, but the constant shift between too-bland day and violent night, mixed with an unfamiliar body and no way to prove that you are what you say you were, no sign that the universe was as you remembered it... it was a distractingly grim situation.

Zelnick didn't understand at all, but he wasn't sure he wanted to understand the working of ZEX's mind. Still, seeing ZEX smile (no matter how wanly) made Zelnick's smile stronger. "Well, who else could you be?" he asked, as if it were obvious. "You're certainly not whoever they're telling you you are."

Since ZEX didn't seem to be taking the contact as an excuse to gush or leer or do any of the other mildly creepy things ZEX tended to do, Zelnick did keep the contact going-- he was hardly aware of it, actually, and would probably continue to be unaware until something drew his attention back to it.

ZEX will struggle on boldly through identity crises in his quest for human tail

[wantsyourzex]

"Well..." ZEX disliked feeling this powerless. After so many years in relative control of things around him, it was a state of mind he did not care for. "I suppose it'd be difficult for anyone." It shouldn't be this difficult for me, he thought with a tinge of frustration, and he decided to change the subject.

"I am definitely not this Max Vyer person, no. Even if I am currently speaking... well." ZEX smiled again, this time more genuinely. "Have they given you your false name yet, my Captain? It makes therapy a bit awkward. My name was so infamous... it's still strange for me to think that no one knows it here."

The Captain was still speaking VUX... he didn't think that'd be possible for human lips to produce the noises required for such a thing, but still that's what he heard. He tried not to think about it. Ah, his hand was so warm. He sighed softly.

oh, ZEX, you monstrous pervert~ <3

[captain_hunam]

ZEX seemed to be adjusting to... whatever trauma he had just gone through, so Zelnick refrained from continuing on that subject. Instead, he answered ZEX's question, starting with a confused "Ah..." What had the nurse called him? He'd been rather muddled, taken to his room in the middle of raiding a pantry and called... "The staff called me Caleb, I think. Which, needless to say, is not my name." Not that anyone called him Zelnick unless he asked them to; he answered equally well to "Captain" and "human" and "hunam captain" and all kinds of things that weren't his name. He wondered if that was how he would go down through history, an officer no-one knew by name... but there wouldn't be a history to go down through if he hadn't won.

"And... therapy? What kind of therapy?" He had the fleeting idea of barbaric old procedures, the stuff they had used in the 20th century, electroshock and icepick lobotomies... he tried to put that out of his mind, if for no other reason than this place seemed to be closer to early 21st century technology.

His hand lingered on ZEX's back a moment longer, then he returned to eating-- though he didn't move his chair away again. The food was delicious, really, and it had been so long since he'd had food with flavor...

consternation of VUX psychiatrists everywhere

[wantsyourzex]

He'd spend more time puzzling over the matter when he had some time to himself, and as it was he'd felt that he'd somewhat embarrassed himself in front of the human Captain. There were very few things he felt any kind of shame over, and the fact that he'd managed to encounter one of those things right in front of him... he did hope the Captain didn't think any less of him for it. Surely he wouldn't, but he much preferred to keep an air of confidence and strength around the human than... doubt. Although the human's sympathy was deeply comforting, and he was going to keep it in mind for a long time.

Put aside the difficult questions, and return to more comfortable ground. He sounded out the word carefully. "Caleb... human names have such a different sound than VUX names." Don't think any further, stay focused. "Each species is so unique in that department. I remember the Umgah having some particularly interesting names... unfortunately the Ur-Quan relied mostly on numbers, as did the Androsynth, but some were more unique." Talking about reality was more comfortable, and it made their current situation, trapped as prisoners in this strange place with no ready avenue of escape, seem less serious.

"Ah, nothing too unusual, I suppose." ZEX waved a hand vaguely. "Mostly questions and answers. They weren't too pleased with mine." Therapists never seemed to be. "Although, there was less disgust and fewer accusations than I recall, and not as many veiled threats. But I haven't been forced into such things since I was a child, so my memory on how it's done is hazy."

When the Captain began eating again, ZEX reminded himself that he ought to be doing the same. He picked up the fork a bit awkwardly, gripping it in one fist rather than attempting the delicate hold the Captain was using again, and jabbed it experimentally at the corn on his tray. It didn't seem to react the way he thought it would.

And human psychiatrists here, I'm sure~

[captain_hunam]

"Some species have oddly poetic names," Zelnick commented between bites. "The Slylandro, especially-- I suppose it makes sense to them, but 'Content to Hover' and 'Sullen Plummet' just sound strange, in a pretty way." Smiling a bit, he added, "And some names are just unpronounceable." Like the Mmrnmhrn, both as a species, and most of their personal names.

Question and answer was considerably less grim than Zelnick had half-expected, and he sighed in relief. "I've never really talked to a therapist," he admitted. "They had a few on Earth's Starbase, to try and keep everyone sane, but I was wandering around the galaxy so often that I never talked to them." Toward the end, while the Vindicator was being outfitted with the Bomb, Hayes had actually tried to get Zelnick to see them, to no avail-- "If this works, I'll have years to get therapy," he had reasoned, "and if it doesn't, I'll be dead anyway." Hayes had be unimpressed and set up appointments anyway, which Zelnick had ducked out of. I suppose I can't do that here. "And... wait, what?" Something ZEX had said finally made it from his ears to his brain. "Your therapists threatened you? When you were younger, I mean." Something about that seemed very wrong, and mildly traumatic.

Watching ZEX struggling with his fork again was somewhere between funny and pathetic, neither of which were appropriate reactions, even for someone as blunt as Zelnick could be. "Do you want help with that?" he asked, as tactfully as he could.

xenophilia is never appreciated in its time

[wantsyourzex]

ZEX was nodding hesitantly, and then he blinked a bit at the unfamiliar name. "Slylandro...? I've never heard of a Slylandro before." The name was difficult for him, but the concept itself was too exciting for him to struggle with it for long. "Are they another sentient species? Were they contacted by the Ur-Quan? What are they like?"

ZEX couldn't imagine the human having a reason to go to a therapist... as far as he was aware, the human didn't seem too strange compared to the rest of his species. He didn't really need "realignment", as they'd put it. Then again, he didn't know as much about the human as he would have liked. "I don't much care for them myself, but my experience with them has not been positive." ZEX blinked at the question. "Yes, they did threaten me, occasionally. I understand it's part of the process. To better motivate change, I suppose, since I presented such a unique 'problem'. " His voice was bitter again. "I suppose I'm lucky in that I didn't just 'disappear' like other VUX who challenged the social order tended to do. Although, they did remind me that it was still a possibility, if I kept my 'perverse' and 'unnatural' notions. Hmmph. The War soon proved their theories as to where I'd end up if I didn't change wrong enough." ZEX's voice was dark with a forced nonchalance. "It was such a waste of time, really. There's nothing wrong with me. It was really their problem."

ZEX was quickly broken out of angry thoughts by the Captain's offer, and he smiled at him. "Ah, thank you. I'd appreciate it. This yellow item isn't breaking apart at all."

I can think of a few who... appreciate... ZEX~

[captain_hunam]

Oh, of course ZEX wouldn't know of them! "Yes, another intelligent species-- and they did know the Ur-Quan, a long time ago, even before the Dnyarri. They, ah, live on a gas giant, actually-- planet-bound, and... they're really interesting. And interested in everything else, since their world is nothing but clouds." Zelnick grinned a bit ruefully. "If you ever had a red-and-white crystalline probe attack one of your ships after declaring peace, that was one of theirs-- they bought the things from the Melnorme, using the credits they earned by letting the Melnorme study them-- Sullen Plummet messed up the programming, y'see, so after gathering information on whatever it was talking to, it would try to use the object-- or ship-- as raw material for replication. Complete accident, they were horrified at what they'd done." He realized he was babbling a bit and subsided. "Nice guys. You'd probably like them."

Listening to ZEX's recounting, Zelnick's expression grew dark. "That's horrible," he said, rather forcefully. "Not everyone should fit into whatever mould is considered the norm." He wouldn't argue that ZEX's tastes were bizarre (to say the least), but if the guy was happy like that-- well, actually, he did have an objection to the kidnapping thing, but that was neither here nor there at the moment. "Our therapists-- they're supposed to help by, by keeping people functional, and help people who are actually ill, not... not by shaping people into things they're not." His voice was actually shaking in anger, he realized, and he took a few breaths to calm down. "If everyone's the same, where does change come from? Or is stagnation and rotting approved of?"

Shaking his head forcefully, as if to cast hire ire at VUX society aside, Zelnick pulled ZEX's tray over in front of him. "It's corn-on-the-cob. It's, um, unique-- the center is hard, and you can get at the kernals by picking it up and scraping them off with your teeth--" which Zelnick bet ZEX would mess up, "-- or by cutting them off the sides with a knife and picking them up with your fork." That said, he took his (frustratingly blunt) knife and scraped the corn into a pile before sliding it back. "Here, try now." He forced a smile past his slowly-cooling anger.

ZEX enjoys being appreciated all night long~

[wantsyourzex]

"A gas giant!" ZEX's voice was almost reverent. "I didn't think any life could really develop on a gas giant! The possibilities this opens up... ah, I wish I could have met them! I have so many questions already... although I must say I'm not surprised that the Melnorme would have wanted to study them. I would have gladly bought that information from them! A pity they didn't offer it to me."

ZEX blinked a bit at the human's anger. He hadn't expected such a strong reaction. "Of course I agree with you, my human love, and I've found my countrymen's closemindedness to be infuriating at times. Childish and immature without question. Change comes from those that propose innovation that does not stray too far from the accepted guidelines... it's slow and steady, and does not favor those that move quickly. It's not conducive to sudden change. I assume most VUX fear it." ZEX paused for a moment in thought. "I believe this is part of why we were in such dire straights at the beginning of the War, until I came to the fore and forced quick, necessary innovation. You'd think something different would kill them with the way they fight against it. You won't hear them mention any of this nowadays. Just my 'corruptive' influence." ZEX laughed briefly without humor.

ZEX smiled a bit thinly. "Your human therapy sounds useful. I wasn't aware therapy could accomplish anything of that nature. Your society is so appreciative of difference... for ours it is a threat. We're a strong, cohesive whole and can accomplish great things together, but if you stray too far from what's acceptable... you have to be 'realigned'. Most of the more problematic VUX came with me to Cerenkov, if they weren't forced into normalcy, or discreetly killed. A great number of them were in our military, imagine that..." Almost sarcastic for a moment, and he smiled. "I suppose it must have bothered them that I kept so many of them alive."

Scraping food off with your teeth? Teeth were bizarre to begin with, but that function was even more difficult to understand. ZEX watched the Captain strip the yellow item of its small pieces. Why not have it prepared that way in the first place? Humans had such strange food. "How curious..." He tried for a moment to stab an individual kernel without success before trying to pick up a forkful at once. A few got lost along the way, but he at least got some into his mouth. Odd... they kind of burst when pressure was applied. Somewhat like eggs... perhaps that was how this yellow thing reproduced.

Who *wouldn't* enjoy appreciation that involves him? |D

[captain_hunam]

"I could tell you what I know," Zelnick offered, smiling a bit. "They're eager to share knowledge, even if all they know a lot about is clouds."

Breathing out a sharp sigh, Zelnick did his best to get his anger under control, and said in a carefully level voice, "I'm familiar with the concept. A lot of governments-- that were generally considered evil by their neighbors-- enforced that sort of standard, a couple hundred years ago. It was also popular in fiction around that time, as a dystopian future to be avoided at all costs." What was that story? Where one man preferred taking evening strolls through a silent city over sitting at home and letting his brain rot from mindless entertainment? "'Human' therapy is very rarely forced upon people, now. Only if they're a genuine threat to the wellbeing of themselves or those around them." Smiling humourlessly, he added, "Like people who think they're alien military commanders stuck in the wrong body." Going grim again, he continued, "Murder of people because of their differences has been frowned on for a very long time. It's barbaric. Most people-- most humans, at least-- would see you keeping your comrades alive as something to be lauded."

Seeing how ZEX seemed to be dealing well enough with the corn, Zelnick refrained from comment. It probably was pretty strange, for someone used to a liquid diet.

therapists, apparently O3

[wantsyourzex]

"What did they look like? I assume they wouldn't have any solid technology... how did they record their history? How do they deal with conflict? How do they reproduce?" ZEX had to rule out exploring that himself, since he wasn't sure how to actually visit the surface of a gas giant and not get killed in the process.

"It's interesting that you describe it as evil," ZEX said. "Human ethics seem to differ from ours. I am not inclined to think the best of most of my countrymen, or the society that decided to banish me when I became too 'problematic' for them, but I'm not sure I would call them evil, necessarily. Foolish, shortsighted, ungrateful, bigoted, but not necessarily evil... simply normal. Typical for my species. But our definition of normal is different than yours, I suppose. I find human's positive attitude towards difference and general open-minded nature to be so refreshing after a lifetime exposed to unwarranted prejudice, merely because I prefer to keep myself open to all possibilities. It's part of why I respect and admire you so much." That and they were incredibly attractive.

ZEX's voice had a bitter tinge beneath the air of deliberately false nonchalance. "I don't think they saw it as murder. Simply necessary. That can be enough. After all, the Insult was enough of a reason for most of my people to vow eternal war against yours without regret."

Bah, they just don't understand the appeal~

[captain_hunam]

"They were amorphous-- sort of resembled zooplankton, in a way, if the zooplankton you know is anything like the stuff I know-- and halfway clear in a glowing white translucent skin. They keep their history through chants, though those aren't perfect." He grinned, briefly. "They mostly avoid conflict by moving away from whoever they're annoyed with. How did Content to Hover put it...? 'All are equal, but that doesn't stop people from being stupid jerks,' I think, or something close. As for reproduction..." Zelnick shrugged. "Though the topic came up accidentally, I dropped it as soon as I figured out why Sullen Plummet was so embarrassed."

Sighing, Zelnick shoved what was left of his mashed potatoes around. The topic at hand was rather destroying his appetite. "Ethics are a difficult subject, because each person's view of them depends on how that person grew up and what they were surrounded with, but that sort of pointless death--" He shook his head, unable to articulate why it was so very wrong. "'Typical' for your species is damned stupid. Even keeping morals out of it, nothing's ever perfect, and situations change-- everything from battle plans to evolution work that way, and if adaption is taken out of the equation, there's a lot of death and failure."

Urgh, that thrice-damned Insult. Zelnick glowered rather fiercely at his food. "Socially condoned murder is still murder, just like socially condoned bigoted idiocy is still bigoted idiocy," he grumbled.