Day 30: Men's Showers (Third Shift)

[notachick]

The lockdown had been interesting. The fact that the staff had enough power to put down a rebellion that quickly and then lock people into their rooms just as fast was something of a feat to be admired. Their efficiency would have been much more impressive if Okita had been on the other side of it, however. As it stood, he had to keep his

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[k4t4str0ph4l]

Well, Schuldig hadn't exactly expected him to take the news well.

After another glance to see if the orderlies were paying them much attention - no - Schuldig knelt down next to Yohji. "I'm sorry," he said, an extremely unusual thing to come out of his mouth. But for once, it was something he could sympathize with, as it was a situation he couldn't entirely rule out as a possibility for him someday - if he woke up one morning and Farfarello or Crawford were gone...well, if he were able to convince himself that they'd be waiting in their own world for when he got out of this place, he might be able to take it, but otherwise, he'd probably lose it. They were his supports; he doubted he could function without them anymore.

In that way, at least, Yohji actually had it worse; even if Cliff had merely gone back to his own world, Yohji would probably never see him again. And there was no real way to know for sure what had happened to him, either; his going back to his world unharmed was simply the most optimistic possibility. That knowledge, and getting to experience Yohji's distress firsthand and knowing that he usually teetered on an emotional precipice in any case - and, of course, his actually being fond of Yohji - all served to make Schuldig more sympathetic than he was usually inclined to be.

Deciding that the orderlies would be unlikely to roust them for something this innocuous - nakedness notwithstanding - the redhead shifted so that he was sitting beside Yohji, leaning against his shoulder. He didn't say anything else; condolences weren't his specialty.

[never_learns]

It felt like something had broken inside him, something that had broken so many times before that he wasn't certain he could put it back together again. He stared blankly ahead, not really seeing anything, starting to shake slightly.

He didn't moved when Schuldig sat next to him, barely even seeming to notice when the other man leaned against him., but after a moment he leaned back, taking a shuddering breath. "I did it again," he whispered.

[k4t4str0ph4l]

"Bullshit," Schuldig replied flatly. "That's crap and even you know it. Lots of people vanish in this place, and only one of them has been connected to you in any way at all. It's coincidence, not a curse. Feel as sorry for yourself as you want, but you know damned well this isn't your fault. It's this place."

[never_learns]

Schuldig could say that all he wanted, but it wasn't something that Yohji could believe or admit. Not yet, maybe not ever, not when it kept being reinforced by deaths whenever he dared to get close to someone. Dammit! he'd let himself hope and think that maybe he had some kind of future and Cliff had been able to take care of himself but..

"They all die or disappear," he said quietly. The only shred of comfort was that at least Cliff hadn't died by his hand.

[k4t4str0ph4l]

"Also bullshit," Schuldig responded immediately. "Weiss is still with you, and if anyone should be dead or gone by now, it's them. And I'm still here, and don't think for a second you're going to have such an easy time getting rid of me as that. Yes, you've got horrible luck with relationships. But you've hardly lost everyone that's important to you. And that's not what happened this time - dozens of people have disappeared in this place the way Cliff has. Considering how many people you've got here that are important to you, that eventually one of the people who vanished would be one of them was just a matter of odds, not your own personal curse. And if it weren't for the way this place works, Yohji, he wouldn't have disappeared at all, so whose fault do you really think it is?"

[never_learns]

It might have made sense under normal circumstances, although it usually didn't, but he couldn't think, couldn't focus on anything beyond the fact that he'd lost someone else. He knew hat Cliff had been here so long, but he only disappeared once Yohji got close to him.

Even if it was this place that had done the actual deed, it was still Yohji's fault, just like Asuka's death was still his fault, even if he hadn't pulled the trigger.

[k4t4str0ph4l]

Schuldig growled. "Has it ever occurred to you while you're wallowing in your own self-pity that maybe I have better things to do than to drag your ass out of the same rut every time something depressing happens? I don't know if you've noticed, but we're in a fucked-up institute for the mentally deranged where we're frequently beset by things that are trying to kill us. Unpleasant things happen on a regular basis here. Entirely aside from you inflicting this same old routine on me every other day, do you really think you can afford to go to pieces every time something goes wrong around here?"

Schuldig enjoyed misery. That had never been a secret. However, what made him enjoy it was the fact that someone he disliked was suffering, or that they were at least getting what they deserved for inadvertently making Schuldig suffer(after all, why should others be happy if they were preventing his own happiness?); at the moment, Yohji didn't really fall into either of those categories. And since the redhead was actively trying to squash Yohji's unhappiness - which, after all, was so familiar by now that it had started to become almost boring, and Schuldig loathed monotony - that it just left him aggravated.

"I suppose if you wear me down enough that I go insane or leave in disgust, you can feel even sorrier for yourself," he grumbled. "Is that your plan? A self-fulfilling prophecy?"

[never_learns]

Schuldig's words felt like a physical battering and the assassin hunched in on himself more as the telepath spoke. He knew that! He knew how pathetic is was that he couldn't even focus on what was important and he'd been trying. He'd been getting better since he'd last talked to Schuldig, he'd felt it. Everything hadn't felt so bleak and he'd thought he might actually have some kind of future. A future as himself not some amnesiac salaryman which was what awaited him back there if they got out of this place.

He didn't want to go back to that.

"No," he said quietly. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to deal with me."

[k4t4str0ph4l]

"And you turn even this into another excuse to be miserable," Schuldig muttered, looking away. "Maybe instead of being sorry, you could actually do something differently."

[never_learns]

Yohji nodded, tilting his head back against the cold tile. Damn, he really needed a cigarette. Maybe a couple of bottles of industrial strength vodka. He closed his eyes. "I'll try," he replied solemnly.

[k4t4str0ph4l]

"You'd better." Schuldig let his own head fall back against the wall, closing his eyes. "I've got enough on my mind without you reiterating the same old sob story over and over. And just because I'm not going anywhere doesn't mean I'll always be around to pull you out of the sand trap that's your own guilt, you know."

[never_learns]

The assassin shivered from the cold and leaned against Schuldig's side, glad for the warmth of someone's presence. "I think I need to reinvestigate having a keeper," Yohji said dryly, trying to grasp at something, anything, to focus on other than what he was feeling.

[k4t4str0ph4l]

Schuldig snorted, resting his own head against Yohji's. Naked, wet, and this close, and they weren't doing anything inappropriate; the telepath decided he must be ill. "What, you think you don't have one now?" he countered, smirking.

[never_learns]

Under normal circumstances, Yohji would have sympathised with the sentiment, but at the moment, he was much more comfortable like this, just touching and warm. "That's true. I just didn't think you'd appreciate the job title."