Day 28: Bus 2
The group hadn't made it to the Twin Pines before the nurses started ushering them back to the buses. Sanji didn't believe the small sack dinner he was handed would make up for the meal they would have had at the restaurant, and aside from that he'd still wanted to check the place out. Now he had no way of comparing it to what they served at the
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The bus he was herded towards, at least, held one moderately-pleasant surprise: Renji. Excellent. He'd been hoping to meet with the boy all day... and, now, despite the subpar conditions for privacy, he intended to do exactly that.
He strode over to the seat his Lieutenant had chosen, and sank into the aisle side. Now seated, he looked over at said Lieutenant, waiting for some sort of reaction.
[OOC: Molest molest moleeeest~<3]
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--oh god Byakuya sat next to him.
He stared out the window for a moment longer, hoping that maybe he could pretend that he hadn't noticed his captain. The man hadn't said anything, after all, so maybe... he'd just mistaken him for someone else.
...right. And pigs were flying. He sunk a little lower in the seat, wondering if it were possible to just sort of ooze onto the floor of the bus and slink away.
No. He had to face up to this, and deal with this, and be a man about it. He looked at Byakuya briefly, long enough to say, "Captain," and give him a respectful nod, before looking back out the bus window.
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He shifted, leaning back ever-so-slightly more casually; that was the one other profound effect of his visit to the spa: a feeling of informality. It was simultaneously soothing, and disturbing; the latter because he was a man who embraced, who embodied, who was sustained by formality. The idea that he might suspend it for any reason was... well, it ought to have been surprising. It certainly was to Byakuya.
"Do you know why I wished to speak with you, Renji?" he asked, glancing over at the redhead; the question was, obviously, just to fulfill his own curiosity, but it might provide some interesting insight into his lieutenant.
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He wasn't stressed. No. Not at all.
At Byakuya's question, a lot of answers flitted through his mind, none of which were at all appropriate. Like, 'because I fucked your sister' or 'because you don't want me to marry her and I'm gonna tell you to stick it up your ass' or 'because you like hitting defenseless women.'
He cleared his throat. "No idea. Sir."
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"What is it, exactly, that you believe I think of you, Renji?" The question was earnest; Byakuya had plenty of clues, but he couldn't be 100% certain on any of them. Better to get it out in the open. Better to hear the truth straight from the source.
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He didn't get the point of this. It was damn obvious what Byakuya thought of him, so why ask the question? Unless it was some sort of trap. The nobility liked their little word and courtesy games, from what he'd seen and what he'd read.
He said, "I don't see why my opinion on this would matter. Sir." After a pause, he continued, "I'm not any good at this game. Sir."
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There it was, then. If Renji could pick up on it, he'd just laid out the purpose for their little talk. Renji, inevitably, thought more harshly of himself than those around him did... or, so Byakuya thought. He couldn't know for certain, of course...
...but, then again, that was why he had asked.
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The captain made it sound so simple, but it wasn't, not at all. Renji was genuinely afraid of the man; almost dying at his hand certainly hadn't helped that. He hated him, and respected him at the same time, both wanted his approval and wanted to kill him with his bare hands. He didn't know how to handle it, but he did know that saying any of that out loud to a captain would be grossly inappropriate. And while he wasn't much for propriety, normally, there were certain lines he was not willing to cross; it had been driven in to him far too deeply.
And here his captain was, asking him to say something grossly inappropriate, which he had little doubt he'd then be punished for. It was just another reminder, Renji thought grimly, that life was really goddamn unfair.
He said the only thing he could think of that might work. "I'm a commoner, sir," he said, unable to completely disguise the anger or disgust in his voice. Maybe that would be clear enough.
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"...or perhaps it does." That was a slap in the face, but not one he could really fault Renji for. He did place a lot of stock in upbringing, in class. The nobility were inherently better than commoners. But... did he seem so obsessed with it, that his lieutenant believed that was all he could see?
"Do you really believe that I see things in such black and white terms?" he asked, voice as deadpan as ever.
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And did Byakuya seem to see things so black and white? What the hell kind of question was that to be asking, with their fight so recent, with everything--
He clenched his jaw again, but there really wasn't anything else he could say. It was easier to speak when he couldn't see the man; he looked out the window, into the distance, as the buses moved along. "I have no reason not to, sir," he said, quietly.
His hands, mostly hidden under his arms, clenched into fists.
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...but that wasn't all, was it? No. It was far to easy to blame this viewpoint on one, extreme example. It was his apparent nature. He'd attempted to become... better, since then; however, Renji had not seen any of that with his own eyes. To the boy, he was still an unforgiving, judgmental bastard.
Not totally untrue, but it could do with a lot of refining.
"...then I shall pose another question to you. After all was said and done, I retained you as my lieutenant. I could have easily sent you back to the 11th Division - or, had I felt wrathful, the 2nd Division - but I did not. Why do you suppose that is?"
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...it just wasn't something he could do. He had to rely on what he knew.
This question, at least it was easy to answer honestly. "I don't know, sir," he said. And it was true; he didn't. He couldn't even try to put himself in Byakuya's place and guess. Renji had never been that much of a stuck-up asshole.
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"The reason, or should I say reasons, are simple. First of all... beyond that which should obviously be applied to the traitors, what blame there is to be assigned for the events surrounding Rukia's attempted execution does not fall even in part upon yourself; rather, it falls rather significantly upon my own shoulders." His eyes showed some vague reflection of the shame he felt, referring to that time. In a moment, though, it was gone. "That you had the courage to oppose me on it is commendable, not something to be condemned. Though I don't encourage opposition on a regular basis, of course." That last part had to be included, just in case Renji decided that 'Let's Not Listen To Anything Byakuya Has To Say' was a fun game to play. "And secondly... I have no desire for another lieutenant. You are adequate and useful in every way that I require. I expect you to remain in this position until you apply for captaincy."
Praise... it made him uncomfortable to give it. It had always seemed so meaningless, to tell someone that they had done right; indulgent nonsense, was what it was. But... there were exceptions to every rule. Renji just happened to be the exception to quite a few.
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So Byakuya didn't think he was worthless. That was kind of nice. He wanted to feel grateful, and compliment, but it didn't change the fact that the man was an asshole. It was confusing to try to wrap his mind around all of this.
There was that twitch, again, when Byakuya said the c-word. From three people in one day. It was starting to really weird him out, make him think these people were all sharing a delusion. And he didn't like it, because it made him feel like he had no choices, like his path had already been decided without his input, while he still stood at the start of it, uncertain about which way to step.
"I see," he said, quietly. "Thank you, sir."
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He responded to Renji's thanks with only a nod, and was silent for a moment. When he spoke again, it was prefaced with a sigh. "I would like to say that that is all, but... there is something else I must speak with you of. Something that was brought to my attention this morning."
He looked over at Renji expectantly; the boy knew what he spoke of. At least, he ought to.
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He felt like he was preparing for battle; this was the moment that the day had been directed at. After his conversation with River and Daemon, and after the dinner with Rukia... he wasn't going to back down. No matter what.
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