Day 58: Sun Room (Fourth Shift)

[human_sponge]

Peter's lunch meeting with Tear had gone far better than he could have even expected. It was a good thing that he wasn't the sort of person who judged by age, seeing how the girl had proved herself to be very capable despite the fact that she was only a teenager. Not that Peter would ever admit it out loud, but Tear was a lot more mature than his

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in which nigredo talks like a magical girl

[falseblack]

Trembling came as static on the line, an aspect drawing attention and concern in tandem. But touch Albedo Nigredo would not, not now at least. Even as the other reached to hold his sleeve, the younger brother kept to himself, the smile fading like evening light. Albedo would wonder about the reasons and question when it was glaringly obvious. He needed to only consider the traits of black and white, trace back their motives, and then, the truth would be made known.

In lieu of that, he left Nigredo to vocalize.

"I'm weaker than you are." More fragile. Within certain contexts, handled shifts in life poorer. As such, he had alternatives. As to prevent a worst case scenario, he had taken up defenses, one of which was a contradiction. To doubt was to cushion one's self from falls, to pad one's deepest desires for the time when rejection pierced through. Chain uncertainties around his heart, and perhaps it would continue to beat long after death.

Thus, Albedo was fine. There was nothing less about his way of being. It was good to have a strong will, to weather the world without losing himself in doubts. Nigredo envied that strength, he supposed, because he understood such things were not meant for him. Mayhap in another lifetime, in another world. Here, despite an unwavering memory, he had forgotten how to have faith.

Hatred and wants, on the other hand, were different breeds from a disquiet mind, and for a moment, Nigredo was thoroughly distracted from his previous line of thought. For a long minute, he said nothing. Showed less. The waveform pressed against Albedo's was stagnant in expression, and the other might have wondered if Nigredo had indeed died as feared. As wished. His mind fortunately shot forward in the beat afterward, fixing itself on the statements given.

Of hate, he had only an apology for the upset and a request. The first was offered in gentle waves, a regret for his haste. Nigredo could have worded the concession better, he admitted. Sorry, then, for having upset Albedo. The second, however, was shorter, exuding fatigue. More cut off than intended.

If Albedo did not want accusations of hate, he would have to make Nigredo believe otherwise. Because of all points in regards to them, he wanted to believe his brothers would care. Care regardless of circumstances, of beliefs, and of time. Love in the face of an unwanted existence. This in turn consequently strengthened his views on wants, which perhaps was the most damning. Most damaging.

Of his wants, he would hold to the two most treasured, to die with him without a reveal. The child would address Albedo on his points, however, and give away the appropriate aspects. Yes, he remembered the note. Yes, enough time had passed for clarification. He closed his eyes.

{I want a lot of things,} was the admittance, {but everything I want is impossible. It would take a miracle to make them come true.} They existed beyond his reach, no matter what others might claim in opposition. {I think it's okay, though. If I can't have what I want, then I want to give you what you want. It works out that way.} Somehow.

{I wasn't made for myself. Living for you is the only want I can do.} A foot swung out in idle movements, and Nigredo opened his eyes to watch Albedo and the forthcoming reactions. {So don't.} A beat. {Don't tell me I'm wrong. Don't tell me it's nothing.}

What else did he have otherwise? What else could he possibly want than the person beside him?

[purpletaint]

The statement spoken simply was sobering, enough for emotions to slip downward and hold there. Albedo's eyes widened--not in surprise, but in the way of expanding to take in more information. It was an allowance, in part, and whether or not both had previously considered it true, given to words, it was partially formed in permanence. Given consideration, in what was meant.

They had been the same once. They had lived and swam in fears, and the only difference between them was that Albedo had traded one set of fears for another, and that came with divinity, grace, and a throbbing lack of absolution--a confidence given to replace the missing pieces of his soul, the bits that had torn off and faded away in transition.

He wouldn't not think on it, no; he would not think.

His brother actually gave truth and didn't fight what Albedo said. It was enough to quiet him while Nigredo spoke carefully, treading delicately on the line between words and meaning. Saying things that Albedo would otherwise move to deny. The middle Variant was nothing close to an optimist, treading perhaps closer to a pessimist, but it always annoyed him here, always made him want to deny when Nigredo spoke things as if they were already set and true.

But it was different here, was it not? It wasn't Nigredo denying points and asserting failures in advance, but stating things that were believed and kept to, and it was felt as such. Yes, Albedo quieted, and allowed the explanation, the slip of words felt in ways others could not touch.

And where would Albedo deny anyway? 'Everything I want is impossible'? Could Albedo deny that, when he could understand where it might lead to? He himself had spoken before, twice now, under sedation. The want to return to how things had been. If it was anything close to that, Albedo couldn't deny the impossibility of it. Still, it closed something inside of him, made something slow in his mind, and he watched his brother only, considered the rest of what had been said.

Things he couldn't wholly take as they were, in all truth. This was the closest to a mental overwhelm that there was, for Albedo couldn't fathom it. He could logically pull apart the words but set in motion he couldn't consider them. He swallowed, blinked but once, slowly.

There were a thousand questions here, a million ways to second guess. Nigredo would give his wants? And would live for him? Saying that he was only living because Albedo wanted it, and would really prefer to--

What was the point in all of that? He wasn't a hysterical woman, he was a weapon formed from flesh, and if the ends suited, the means shouldn't press at desires. Nigredo would live. So Albedo would be satisfied. For now, he would be satisfied; silent.

He wouldn't argue with one that felt like this. All was blown glass, beautiful and delicate. Albedo tilted his head, apparently calmly curious, a pulse of reassurance. {You're not wrong,} he responded without hesitation. {It's not close to nothing at all.} His eyes moved, thoughts whisking behind them. For a moment, his mouth opened as if to speak, and then the sending slid forward instead. An admittance in turn. {It's everything, really. It matters.} You matter.

But that was obvious. Wasn't it.

[falseblack]

Consideration to his admittance proved comforting. Regardless of how Albedo might have processed the words, a willingness to do so was enough for Nigredo. It spoke of progress--of value uneasily dissolved--and he almost smiled at the passing activity. Almost. For his brother held sobering thoughts, some carefully placed out of his reach, and when it came to the nature of their being and the change formed and crystallized, Nigredo knew of nothing comforting. Therefore, he kept to silence, eyes trailing to his lap.

And noted with some trepidation that the hands folded against each other were shaking.

There was a reaction here he could not pinpoint, an affect transpiring without his permission, and for reasons unsaid, Nigredo was suddenly fearful. Of how all this might backfire, perhaps. Maybe. It wasn't so easily laid out, but wishes referred to and given had always affected the youngest child. By Albedo saying that it mattered, it registered as truth. By claiming everything, it rang as a form of pain.

As stated before, things could change. The insecurities that settled beneath awareness would surface again, and once again, Nigredo would be uncertain of love and its permanence, overtaken by doubts unwanted. That was the worst of things, he supposed: knowing you had something precious and question it all the same.

His waveform rose in a call for attention, a proverbial hand reaching to attach to another. "Albedo," he intoned, voice hoarse and pain-filled. {Please tell me. Tell me everything will be okay.}

Even as they wouldn't. Even as he could lose the one thing that mattered.

[purpletaint]

He was made aware of the quiet shifts likely at the same time Nigredo noticed them. For Albedo followed his brother's line of sight, and noticed the shivered, and more than anything wished to wrap his hands around his sibling's. In lieu, his fingers tightened on Nigredo's sleeve, a strange need vibrating.

For it was clear, wasn't it? Clear from the link and from physical aspects, and from words spoken. And Albedo was reminded of her, then. Reminded of the words pressed into his consciousness whether or not he had meant it to be so. He remembered the girl.

"When did I become responsible for Nigredo's fate?"

"When you both acknowledged each other as brothers."

Albedo remembered that time, as he hadn't in clarity before, and he remembered an aspect pulled to mirror now. {It would take a miracle to make them come true.} "We can only want. Or hope or beg or wait for a disaster or a miracle." Only continue living, and wait.

"The actual fulfillment is outside of our reach. We can only chase what we may never have."

And he had wondered that day, hadn't he? He had wondered... What was Nigredo waiting for? What chains bound his heart, his existence to another's actions? There was cause and effect, like Albedo was so fond of, and it was given in clarity here as it couldn't have been understood that day, as it could not have been known in ways put to terms.

An intellectual understanding, an instinctual one, but only now could Albedo see exactly what had been meant.

And he had already contradicted himself, hadn't he? Already proved her right in many ways--placed in that dark cell, he had denied his own words. "You assume that I can move."

"They're not dead," she had stated. "As long as that fact holds, you can still move."

There had been a hesitation, a faltering, and only now Albedo believed her. Believed her claim that he did not know true stagnation. For they had adapted, hadn't they? Clung to the other, and looked past what had happened. That was movement. That was the beginnings of life.

Something pulsed within his breast, and he looked up at Nigredo, eyes tracing over details already memorized. His throat was thick. His eyes were too warm.

He slid closer despite the risk it would bring, pressing legs together as his hand spread over Nigredo's arm, holding.

Albedo smiled.

{It's fine.} One side of his mouth quirked as he realized the exaggeration. {It hasn't been fine,} he edited. {But it will be okay. No one's going to go away. No one is going to leave.} No one who already hadn't at least. His waveform stretched to smooth over his brother's, pressure at his temples in the act. Still, he reached, giving something like a blanketing cocoon. {I'm here,} he gave quietly. {It's okay.}

It would be okay. He would guarantee it.

[falseblack]

Stability would never hold. It was a truth as much as others in any given moment, but in this space, in this time, Nigredo questioned. As his brother wrapped an arm to hold and touched encouragement in the shore of their minds, the youngest questioned his own stance. For a singular moment, he had to wonder. Had to challenge his lifelong stance.

If things could truly be fine. If allowed the chance, he would exist with this sibling in peace and weather through life's storms for the rest of time.

It was a foolish thought. It would likely return in a way undesirable, rot his blood and strip away the insides. But right now--in this moment--he wanted to believe. It would be okay. Nigredo would not be alone.

Waveform pulsed against the other's, the particles in his brain sparking in impending pain, but Nigredo held. Stayed close as the warmth around his eyes threatened to brim over and spill. {I,} he gave, before hesitating. Voicing this would require commitment afterward. Doing so, however, would help, wouldn't it? For the two involved.

{I believe you.}

[purpletaint]

Actual joy spread, something that had become almost foreign in the past months, year. He smiled wider, and for that moment, seemed and felt nothing more than what he appeared to be. There existed no darkness in the depths of his soul. Given what had always been necessary to Albedo's existence, he could relax. Find relief. If not for the existence of the remaining three black boxes and a veil over anything regarding Rubedo, it would be as if the child was nothing but.

Magenta pulsed lower down, but his upper waveform held little of it.

He wanted to lean forward, push his head against Nigredo's, but memory held him even as he started to. His forehead pressed against Nigredo's shoulder instead, cloth stopping any ill effects that might have been had. There was something wanted in two waveforms so close together. Albedo maintained his hold around Nigredo, taking comfort in the mental and emotional closeness.

[falseblack]

The smile was contagious. The expanding joy, even more so. Nigredo smiled to mirror his sibling's, nearly laughing in the process. For once, his countenance shone as natural and perfect; nothing deemed as false or lacking. For now, he had forgotten and believed. Held to Albedo's utterance without a trace of surface doubt.

The smile softened, lingering as a gentle wisp upon his face. He watched as the elder leaned a head against his shoulder, gracing comfortable. In the next instance, his mind formed the difficult words with ease, which surprised even him. {I love you.} Albedo.

Brother of mine.

[purpletaint]

His waveform shuddered in suprise and pleasure both. He tilted his head to look up at his brother's smile, before ducking his head back down and grinning to himself. The sentiment was returned, in emotion, want, and care. And in another way. {I'm glad you're here,} was given quietly. Something said before but now defined more highly.

This place was wretched, assuredly, and had caused as many fissures as others had created. But as much as there existed pain and tedium, there existed possibility and the risk of excitement at times. And there existed care and concern from a source Albedo would never have thought to look to. Could now not think of doing anything but the opposite. This had solidified, firmed, and had been made as something constant. Something in Albedo relaxed further. Calmed. Became stable.

[falseblack]

Stability traversed in dual directions. Somewhere, Nigredo recalled a lulled mind and a semblance of security, waves settling on shore. A true connection, he thought, never witnessed except in tiny pockets of time, in passing. And that statement was familiar to him, wasn't it? It had not occurred to him that it would stick for so long, not in the way it mattered. Here, he was proven otherwise.

He unknowingly smiled at Albedo, reaching to pat the middle variant's thigh. {Thank you. You made me feel better about a lot of things.} More than what could be said at the moment, but still, it mattered.

[purpletaint]

Despite the lull, the boy half-winced in prelude to Nigredo's hand, but it came down instead on Albedo's leg rather than open skin. Relief was allowed, and to that, he smiled back. Something in Nigredo seemed more happy than Albedo had ever known him. Something that Albedo would like to continue seeing.

He perked up like a small animal at the thought and beamed at his sibling. "I didn't really detail to you what I got." He hadn't, had he? How distracted they had been. "When I went to that town the other night with Yomi." And had again, played the role of bait. But he hadn't last night, not really! Didn't that count for something?

Either way, he smiled secretively. "We now have two shotguns, because I retrieved the original." He then raised a hand to tick off the points. "Two combat knives, a hatchet type--" The saw was a... present... for someone else. "A sharpener for the blades and a box of basic ammunition for the guns."

He grinned, looking all the world as a child who worked hard to be praised.

[falseblack]

Awareness ticked at the strange reaction, and Nigredo removed his hand as quickly as he reached out. He thought nothing much of it, however, as Albedo relaxed into a smile. Maybe the younger had imagined it, or the elder simply hadn't expected the gesture. Nothing appeared particularly wrong, at least.

Meanwhile, Albedo opted to detail out his nightly exploits, if one considered details as listing of conquests and undercurrent of suspicious behavior. Nevertheless, Nigredo canted his head in consideration, letting out a small hm. He remembered what Albedo had said the day before. He hadn't thought it would be to this extent, but there it was.

"I'm impressed," he concluded. "How did you two get to the town?" Conjectures he had, but it was better to get the answer from the source.

[purpletaint]

The brief words were enough. Albedo lit up like a small child praised, grinning widely. One would almost expect him to bounce in his seat. The reaction would have been the same at another time, though here it came at extenuated from the force of the remaining joy filtering between the link. "The same way you came to me that night," he explained cheerfully. "Her ring connects to Doyleton."

A simple explanation but if that gave credit to his brother, Albedo had more he could offer. "I've also been watching the board," he said, tone fractionally lower in something that mirrored pleased. "And have been watching for those that want things that are unique and have been offering to gain them for a price. Though I..." He near puppy-faced up at Nigredo. "Don't really know what to ask for. What should we ask?"

But there was yet still another point. "As well--I've started rewarding those who win my game with items or information if they give me something valuable about themselves in turn." Thus, gaining a list of certain people to call on or use. The game, as he said today, was about intelligence and luck. He required one at least for any legitimate interactions with those that were not simply wastes of life.

[falseblack]

"A ring to Doyleton, huh?" The town equaled a weapons vault in terms of useful supplies. Both reason and result, therefore, made sense--though perhaps more the latter than the former. Albedo had seemingly obtained them for Nigredo's benefit, which honestly puzzled the black-haired U.R.T.V. It wasn't like he had complained about the lack of weapons or the like. Something, however, spoke of a missing piece, and he reached backwards, mind searching for an incident that might have spurred his sibling to action.

...Well, there was the time Nigredo had chastised Albedo for letting that shotgun go. Maybe his brother had taken that more to heart than initially suspected. Surges of guilt and humility rose as he attempted appreciation. Which wasn't difficult since Nigredo was sincerely grateful. "I didn't think you would make the effort," he spoke, voice soft. "Thank you, and I'm sorry for thinking you were being reckless."

Albedo didn't have to, but he had. Done so while staying alive in the process. What more could Nigredo ask for?

The other boy continued his account, mentioning deals where the younger had only seen interaction. Though, perhaps his lack of analysis could be partially excused on the second; Nigredo wasn't so enthused about that game for two major reasons. "Uh." He blinked and considered the question raised first. The second part could wait. "I'm not really sure. Is there anything you would want?"

[purpletaint]

At the opinion, Albedo's upbeat expression slipped into a more natural grin. He tilted his head at his brother. "But I did, didn't I?" The thanks and apology could have been ignored if not for the agreement made yesterday--and for that, he wished he could touch Nigredo's hair in affection. He near-frowned at the want, and instead lowered his eyes. "It's all right. It makes sense not to expect things from me, right?" Being reckless still defined Albedo, but it wasn't for him to say here. His eyes slid upward again. "But I agreed, didn't I?"

And here he smiled again, caught between proud and shy. "To surprise you. So I thought... That you'd be pleased. That this could be useful." That this would be wanted.

Despite lacking knowledge of how to get something for them to have. His expression slid into thoughtful, lip protruding in consideration. "I want practically nothing." Place sibling(s) before him and he was content. "Are there things we should be asking for?"

[falseblack]

His face fell momentarily. "No, not that," Nigredo said. He could generate several scenarios where Albedo might think to go along with the task, for example. "More I didn't think you would for my sake." Voice trailed, mood bordering wistful. "But yeah, you agreed. You did well." A good deal more than Nigredo's efforts--as of late, anyway.

As for things to ask for... "I don't know, honestly," he answered with a sigh. "Unless they have some information on the history of the institute..." Which was highly unlikely if his talk with Renamon was evidence for anything.

[purpletaint]

The history of the institute. All right, he would remember that, at least. The rest they could come up with as things went, maybe. They had time, now. They could think of it later. He pulled his legs up to his chest, wrapping an arm around them. He watched his brother, eyes memorizing moments, and considered.

"...I wouldn't for your sake?" His expression slid between valid confusion and irritation. "I would only move because of you. Nigredo..." How did he think, even now that...? Albedo's hand reached out to his brother's, needing to convey the solitary aspect. How did his sibling still not understand his own importance? It was--

Thoughts cut short as Albedo's fingers wrapped around his sibling's palm. There was a flicker of something that should have been recalled before it was made clear--forcibly so, as pain lanced through him. Like being electrified, it shot up his spine, exploding into his brain like a shock of memory made apparent. The hand touching Nigredo seized, and the one against his legs gripped the limbs tighter. His eyes squeezed shut and belatedly, a part of him remembered the link.

He moved to pull back from it, even as the thought again flowed through him. That this was too much like something experienced before. Too much like before torn to shreds, exploded from the inside, having one's own waveform ripped apart. Close to Executioner, this was, and close to Rubedo's hand pulling away.

Tortures both, but Albedo would never say, no-- But still, it slipped through, even as he shook in the aftermath of destruction.