Day 58: Arts & Crafts (Fourth shift)
Firo was glad to see the end of lunch, if only for the fact that in a few more hours, the day would be over. Night was the only time he had any real freedom of movement, and it was the only time he could do something worth doing, instead of just sitting around
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He'd more or less wasted the day, then. He should have been talking to the soldiers, trying to get through to them to see if he could speak with a therapist. But he'd been so busy just trying to get a hold of himself and sort through everything that it hadn't even occurred to him until now.
Besides, he needed to tidy up everything that he'd unsettled during the past week before he worried about himself. He owed his fellow patients that much, at least. He wasn't going to turn the sort of person he couldn't feel proud to be just because of this situation.
Though it occurred to him that if he counted Castiel, that had already happened.
"You're right. Like I said, I was... very confused. I thought I was something more than human." It sounded so arrogant now. In fact, he could remember the way he'd thought himself above so many of the people who he'd interacted with. It was honestly insulting to all of them, and he was lucky that everyone had been so forgiving so far. Well, perhaps not Noah, but that was a whole other problem.
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Could he press further, to try to get a more concrete answer as to what he was? So far Michael was acting much more laid back than Castiel had been, but it was too soon to tell if he was more open, as well. Since this was no longer the same game as before, finding out as much as he could was now a priority. That included what Castiel was, what specifically Michael now thought, and whether or not their deal about the lock picking still applied. Until he knew the latter, the diagram he'd drawn up was going to remain safely in Izaya's own pocket.
"More than human?" Izaya repeated skeptically. After a brief pause, he followed up with a laugh, as though what Michael had said was supposed to be a joke. "Do you mean like a superhero? Or perhaps an alien?"
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Not that he had to say, but after everything that he'd probably put the younger man through while he'd been out of his mind, he almost felt like he should. Besides, there was this small part of him that wanted to keep it a secret; Michael was aware enough to realize how irrational that was.
Castiel would have wanted to keep this a secret, which was exactly why Michael wasn't going to.
"... Not exactly," he said after a pause, barking out a laugh himself. "All right, I'll tell you, but I'm going to warn you right now that it's completely ridiculous." That word had been getting a lot of usage today, hadn't it? Ridiculous.
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Izaya smiled to himself at Michael's laugh, and his warning. "I won't laugh at it," he offered, in what could be construed as an attempt to reassure the man.
It really was like having the chance to see two different humans(?) that just happened to have the same body, to get to find out the secrets of one only because of the other.
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He still felt silly saying it out loud like this to someone who didn't already know, seeing how everyone else he'd spoken to today had already gotten the whole speech from him when he'd still thought it was all true. Having to admit it while sane to someone who was looking at him expectantly -- well, he ended up hesitating for a few seconds and then taking a deep breath before speaking up.
"I... I thought that I was an angel. I mean, one inhabiting a human's body, but... yeah, an angel. Of the Lord. Wings, holy orders, the whole nine yards." He shook his head, barely believing it now even though he had all of the memories, fuzzy thought they might be.
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An angel. An angel of the Lord-no doubt he meant the Judeo-Christian God, and come to think of it, didn't many angelic names from the Bible contain 'El'? Either Castiel had been a genuine delusion of Michael's (and wasn't that another angelic name?) and the man was insane, or Michael was a delusion of Castiel's and he was truly an angel walking upon the earth.
He'd had a theory about Celty, about the dullahan that lived in Ikebukuro, that she was a fallen angel of death, that she was like the valkyries who brought the dead to Valhalla. It was because of her that he'd become convinced that there did exist a heaven and a hell. If Castiel really was an angel, that was an even better proof.
Izaya wanted to believe he was. There was more to it than just his word-there were the images, visions, memories he'd seen; they had only been glimpses, really, but there was something to them, he was sure. There had been a mention of Joshua-another Biblical name, the successor of Moses-and then Castiel's reaction to using the name on the bulletin board, saying they should speak in Enochian. This acquaintance of Castiel's was not someone whose name merely happened to be Joshua; they were connected, somehow.
There was the teleportation, too, and that was something that could not be easily excused as a fantasy of Michael's. Izaya would have doubted it if he had not experienced it himself, but as it was, he had. It was real-he was convinced. Castiel was an angel.
The silence had stretched on in the wake of Michael's declaration, and then, suddenly, Izaya began to laugh.
"Wonderful!" he declared. "How truly wonderful; how fortunate! I'd thought I was lucky just to have met that dullahan before, but to think that the first person I encountered when I came here wasn't a human at all, but an angel! Perhaps this is what you'd call 'being blessed'?"
He gave a slight pause after the question as his outburst of laughter finally settled, but continued before Michael could even try to answer it. "Ah, I know I said I wouldn't laugh, but I couldn't help myself. And anyway, I wasn't laughing at your claim-on the contrary, I believe you: 'those who believe shall be saved.' Of course, it's troubling that you no longer believe yourself, but even so, an angel is proof of more than just this world; the afterlife really does exist after all."
A thin smile returned to Izaya's face. "But if you are insane after all-or were-it's no matter." As with Celty, his belief was still little more than insurance. "It's curious to see you change so much in such a short time, but I have more reason to believe that 'Castiel' is who you really are."
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Despite that, the silence was broken by Orihara's laughter, which meant that he'd gone against his word and he was either laughing at him or thought that Michael was pulling his leg. Neither option seemed that good.
However, when Orihara spoke up and started babbling about something that Michael could barely follow, his mouth ended up dropping open as he stared at the young man. Oh no, he... he was completely crazy, wasn't he? He hadn't noticed when he'd thought he was Castiel, but now it was obvious. Maybe he shouldn't have told him about the angel thing after all, seeing how it seemed to only be encouraging his illness.
At least Orihara did apologize for laughing and also explained his reasoning behind it. Unfortunately, that reasoning made little to no sense to Michael, and once again he felt like he was completely out his depth. Surrounded by crazy people; it was not a good place to be.
"Don't get carried away," he said once Orihara actually gave him a chance to talk. "I mean, yes, I also believe in the afterlife, but that doesn't mean that I have anything to do with that." It was completely blasphemous to even entertain such a thought. He could only hope that when he got out of here and returned to his church that they would still accept him.
"It really wasn't my intention to encourage you -- and I'm telling you, I'm Michael. Castiel doesn't exist." And if he was lucky, he never would again. It wasn't something he could promise himself, though.
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But the other was completely convinced, wasn't he? How had he gone from believing that he was Castiel the angel to believe that he was Michael the human in the time since Izaya had last spoken to him? Had it been gradual and just now manifested? Had something happened to change everything? And didn't he have even the smallest shred of doubt?
"Castiel does exist, even if it was only in your mind in the end. But if it's so easy for you to believe that 'Castiel' was born out of imagination, is it really so hard to consider the opposite might be true instead? Rather than a man having dreamt of being an angel, you might be an angel now dreaming of being a man."
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Of course, he could understand wanting to cling to the idea that there was solid proof of the afterlife existing. Many people, even devout people, struggled with not knowing for certain. But faith was based around accepting something to be true even without that proof, which was how Michael had worked through that hurdle. Granted, that had all apparently fallen apart when he'd lost his mind.
He gave the other a wary look as he tried to argue his point, letting out a sigh when Orihara finished speaking. "And which one seems more likely in the long run?" he returned, trying to hide his annoyance with the topic. Maybe the patients here were willing to accept his ridiculous story about him being an angel of the Lord, but he knew for a fact that wouldn't fly in regular society.
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And it was true: if Izaya had met Castiel and been told he was an angel, he would have thought it little more than a joke. Celty was one thing, but he already had proof of what she was; he had never met an 'angel of the Lord' up until now. Maybe he would have asked Castiel for proof, or maybe he would have played along with the joke, but either way, he wouldn't have believed. Izaya was the farthest thing from a man of faith.
"But these aren't normal circumstances, are they? In normal circumstances, you and I might never have met. In normal circumstances, I certainly wouldn't have gotten to experience teleportation first-hand. Or are you going to claim that than the 'miracle', it was little more than a shared delusion?" There were the memories, too, but he was going to keep that card hidden for now, to save it as trump.
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Right as he was preparing to say that the teleportation they'd supposedly gone through was just something they'd hallucinated, Orihara went ahead and called him on it in advance. Michael frowned, not liking the fact that the man was already one step ahead of him there.
"As a matter of fact, I was," he said, trying to keep his tone level as he crossed his arms over his chest and leaned back in his seat. "There's no way that that could have happened. I couldn't do it again even if I wanted to." He was sure that Orihara was going to make some rebuttal about how their powers were normally "weakened," so he went ahead and prepared himself for it in advance.
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"Besides, isn't that sort of hallucination usually a personal occurrence? Surely the odds are against us remembering the same event if it never happened at all-and teleportation isn't the sort of fantasy I would have indulged in if I'd given into the whims of imagination." Their current situation, involving the existence of an angel, would be far more along the lines of what he might have imagined; it was the very sort of proof he wanted.
"There's also the fact that we met several other people that night; I'm sure each of them would agree that we did, in fact, appear before them. I could even point them out to you if you'd like." He took a moment to glance around-there was the man who'd been called Sam, but it didn't look like any of the others they'd run into were in this room.
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"All right, let's just... agree to disagree." He wasn't going to force himself to try and make this whole thing make sense. Orihara had some good points -- he had no idea how shared delusions worked, but they had clearly mastered it here -- but that didn't make him right.
Besides, he didn't want to know what Eric and Matt really thought of him and what he might or might not be. If they really saw him as an angel, then what was he supposed to make of that? It hadn't changed their behavior toward him all that much as far as he could tell.
Luckily, he was saved from having to endure much more of this by the intercom sounding. Michael took his chance to stand the second that he got it, giving Orihara a wary look before he took off. "Good luck." He meant it in regards to the man's recovery process, though he wasn't sure that it would be taken that way.
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Izaya didn't move from his spot yet, but he watched 'Michael' go with scrutiny-even the way he moved seemed to be a little different than before. He hadn't expected Castiel to be even more interesting after the mystery of him was solved (in fact, he'd thought the mystery itself would turn out to be far more interesting than the answer), but now...
A soldier was heading his way. Izaya stood, and hummed tunelessly once more as he went to join his escort. He was looking forward to seeing the angel again. Castiel was interesting, and that wouldn't change even if he continued to think himself to be human.
In fact, maybe it would even be more interesting if he did.
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