Day 58: Men's Showers (Fourth Shift)

[mustbethesuit]

The place was full of starry eyed heroes with hearts of gold. Perhaps not so much starry-eyed, he guessed. Just eager to please. Eager to help. Peter could count himself among those numbers on good day. At the moment, he had about had his fill from everyone else

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[falseblack]

"As always," Nigredo retorted evenly, one good shoulder rolling in a shrug. He meant nothing by the comment, of course. Just a passing jest, remnant of an earlier state of mind. "I'm glad, though." Green eyes returned to the dispenser ahead, before the child took pains to try and get himself clean. Staring dumbly while one's sibling finished his task was both fruitless and callous. And he didn't want to be either.

It was while attempting a lackluster job of cleaning that Nigredo's brother spoke once more. Wondering at the source, the younger turned to the other with a curious glance. "Yes?" he asked, tone expectant.

Another's name and an acknowledgement caused his heart to skip in its palpitations, the memories involved resulting in perfect recall. His face paled, locking in another form of shock. Tolerance playing at love, and then only hate, only apathy from a source that you existed for. And Nigredo was not that, in a way the brothers agreed now.

He hadn't thought Albedo would mention it. He had assumed the other believed the words he had spoken: a love was a love until it died. With a brother as the cause. The apology, therefore, seemed almost too much. It rang with enough sincerity to herald doubt, and Nigredo did not know how to respond. "I..." He managed a shaky breath. "I didn't think...you would..."

Apologize. For something spoken in complete belief.

[purpletaint]

Really? Shock, brother mine? Was it so unbelievable for Albedo to be kind--little brother already knew that Albedo could hold regrets for things done and said; actions too close to the opposite of feeling for him to resent their existence and his role in their creation. An eyebrow quirked in amused affection, and he reached a hand out to touch Nigredo's hair--then pulled back halfway with a sigh. "Because I'm so cruel, hmm?"

He peered at his brother, not really upset in expression. "I do pay attention to you, you know. And I consider when I've done wrong." Right and wrong might have different definitions with Albedo than with others, but they held all the same--more and more, less and less, more-so now with a steady contact with a sibling, and interactions with ones called friends. Albedo sighed again--something in Nigredo's reaction, the complete show of emotion, relaxed him, smoothed him. For his brother had been upset over that, and so it was right for Albedo to not let it go. He gave a half-smile, the expression tired. "Is it all right?"

Now? Between them? How things stood? Or was there more to do, to say, before they would get anywhere near to it. Albedo was trying, and he would continue to do so.

[falseblack]

Cruelty wasn't the case here--far from it, if Nigredo was allowed to be truthful. And truth he tried to convey to the best of his ability. He turned to fully face Albedo as the other retracted his hand, both acts a demand for attention. "No, that's not it." Not in the slightest. "You meant what you said. You shouldn't apologize for--"

Nigredo paused abruptly, green eyes drifting to focus on a wall. "For my reaction." To assume the other was drawing comparisons between brothers. He must have been mistaken. "It wasn't wrong," he concluded softly, "so it's fine." He had enough fractures to recognize where interpretations had ceased their objectivity, and he wasn't so terribly sad to hold to those words.

A shudder ran through his spine, and without warning, he was nervous. Rather than stifling the reaction, however, Nigredo went with whim and followed through. "I will always love you." There was effort in the words, an admittance given freely but locked in hesitance for reasons unseen. "Is that hard to believe, Albedo?"

[purpletaint]

Albedo tilted his head only, watching. "It was wrong," he said blatantly, ignoring the attempts. "Why would I want you to feel like that? When I just said, didn't I? You're not Rubedo." He made a wistful expression, but it was hard to determine why. "You've been there for me. You've cared for me. You..."

Love him. As his brother would say now.

Albedo sighed, but not for lack. Nigredo had given things freely in the exchange, nerves and tensing alike. And so he would be rewarded for that with like, despite the dance that should accompany. "It's not that," he said quietly. Then looked at his sibling carefully. His eyes rose to the ceiling in thought, then returned downward. Strangely enough, he shrugged. "When it's just you, I understand. I understand how hurt you've been, and how deep your devotion goes. I know how fiercely you can love, and how intensely your need flows."

Said without pride or recrimination. Said as simply as facts, without asking for forgiveness. "It's when we're apart. When I start to think that you may love me, but it may be that you do because I'm all that's left. You may love me, but I wouldn't be what you choose."

He was quiet, watched, eyes discerning. "But you think that, too. Don't you?"

[falseblack]

The younger fell silent, comprehension present yet lacking definitive hold. He didn't think Albedo was wrong, and here, the albino would claim exactly that. Why would I want you to feel like that? As a reminder, Nigredo had assumed, of the wrongs brothers had wrought upon the middle child. But it wasn't that at all, apparently.

Despite the threat that Nigredo was to Albedo (to Rubedo), he did not follow in the eldest's footsteps. Albedo acknowledged that here, and though Nigredo wanted to believe the other thought otherwise, he accepted the statement as it stood and wondered all the same. He watched his brother through the spray.

The other continued, detailing motives belonging to Nigredo that he himself had not known. Not fully, at any rate. Although this might have called for a lessening of fear, the child only felt it spike in anticipation. Discernment such as this spoke of something more than simple empathy, and if Albedo would give his reasons, Nigredo might as well try the same.

"I just know how much you love Rubedo," he whispered, the tone lifeless. "That's why I think you wouldn't." Choose me, he indicated with a free hand.

[purpletaint]

As he thought, then. They were both caught in the grip of that. And with no way to tell one way or the other. Both would continue to doubt even as they loved, and both would end up rotting even with the best intentions. And he couldn't say that was wanted. No, at this point, he couldn't say that was wholly wanted at all.

His eyes flashed at his twin's name, and then they dropped to the floor. How much he loved Rubedo. How much he hated Rubedo. Wasn't it the same thing? He felt sick, and now Nigredo was the cause. The boy glanced up at his brother. "Love," he said quietly, "is only one half of the equation."

There was a beat, and then Albedo walked away with nothing more. He didn't consider how it might seem--all he understood now is what needed to happen to go forward, and it wasn't something that could take place in a shower. He returned with a cloth, soaked it and mixed soap, then raised his hand to his brother's hair, moving the cloth through it.

Not the same, but close. Enough for a mirror to form, a comparison where it wasn't wanted.

[falseblack]

Nigredo wondered how a statement proclaiming 'love' and a twin's name would be taken. Though, he found himself hardly surprised when Albedo's eyes flashed violet. When the other uttered a retort and moved to walk away, he was already resigned to showering alone.

"Right..." Apologies could wait. Albedo likely had no want in continuing a discussion.

Imagine his shock when his brother returned, a cloth in hand. Before a single reaction could be given, the cloth went to his hair and through the strands, ultimately resulting in the oddest and most awkward hair wash of his entire life. Nigredo practically gaped at Albedo, before sputtering on the soap that managed to sneak around his lips.

"Uh, Albedo?" He paused to spit out foam. "What are you doing?"

[purpletaint]

He had no ears for his brother's half-hearted agreement; he was already gone and returned in that time. The cloth thoroughly slid through Nigredo's hair and scalp and moved downward around his neck. "Mm?" he intoned, half-focused on the curve of his brother's neck. His eyes flicked to Nigredo neutrally. "You can't reach, can you?"

He gave a sigh, then continued with his efforts. "The faster you're clean, the faster we can go elsewhere. The cloth is a bit annoying, but...." But bare hands could not be used. Not currently. He gave an idle grin. "You don't mind, do you?"

[falseblack]

The response came as astute observation: Nigredo had found it difficult to stretch a hand beyond his shoulders. Having another clean him, then, was really the fastest way for the boy to finish. He eyed the cloth at the base of his neck, wondering vaguely if Albedo was being helpful, comforting, or both. "No, I can't," he admitted, "but..." But he didn't know what else to say.

Instead, the child turned a shade of red from self-consciousness. Green eyes lowered to the space of Albedo's chest. "I don't mind."

[purpletaint]

The cloth moved down Nigredo's neck to touch shoulders, gently caressing the bare skin it touched. Nigredo was turning a lovely shade of red, seemingly shy from the ministrations. It was charming, really. A bit enticing in all honesty. Soap trailed down in rivets from the cloth, moving slowly against flesh as it worked its way downward. A picture for any other time, other age, and one might imagine lips following hands, tongue following the trail water left down Nigredo's body.

Another time, then.

Albedo tilted his head to survey his work then nodded in satisfaction. "Come on, then. I want to try something," the child said before heading out of the room.

[to here]