Day 57: Sun Room

[bodhiandspirit]

It figured that night would end before Rita and Taura could progress any further. Rita wasn't particularly disappointed to wake up abruptly, as they had reached a dead end. Really, the institute was doing them a favor by bringing them back to the starting point, where they could regroup.

What she didn't appreciate was the loss of valuable time,

Comments

[falseblack]

Neither would know the circumstances behind the words. Their answers, therefore, were to be expected. How could anyone agree with him otherwise? When offered a choice between death and life, he had chosen what he had hoped to discard. The fact of doing opposite meant a great deal to Nigredo. When the choice wasn't apparent, however, being injured probably appeared as faulty. Ah, well. He was not looking for understanding in this topic. Wordlessly, the boy blinked up at Ritsuka while averting his eyes from Albedo's glare.

The acquaintance spoke of his roommate, and Nigredo had to exercise self-control not to declare irony. A part of him also proved slightly curious at the prospect of an amicable roommate. It was beyond him to picture someone not backstabbing him in his sleep when it came to those who shared the same space. He sighed, somewhat satisfied with Ritsuka's answer. Anything more was none of his business.

Unfortunately, his brother had to respond in a way that grabbed attention. Nigredo threw a look at Albedo, uncertain if he'd heard correctly or had a particularly cynical imagination. "You what?"

[forgot_it_all]

The way Nigredo looked at him was odd. In fact, the longer he stayed around Albedo and Nigredo together, the more he saw how different they were. Like their coloring, they were night and day sometimes. Nigredo was calm about everything. He didn't even raise so much as a minute protest at being told the others disagreed with him. He simply stared up at Ritsuka like what was said didn't quite reach him. What other people said didn't seem to matter.

...Either he's really strong or he's really lonely. Ritsuka didn't know which.

However, all discussion in that direction stopped as soon as Albedo spoke up. He was still holding onto Ritsuka's hand and so Ritskua couldn't hide the shock of surprise that went through him. His hand jerked even if it didn't let go and he gave Albedo a worried glance. The weapons were worrisome enough - a gun and knives? - but the second part, the monster bait part, was the worst. Why were both boys putting themselves in such danger?

[purpletaint]

Ah, that... had been careless. And Albedo wasn't sure if there were intentional aspects within the act. There existed self-repulsion in the sentiments that followed, and Albedo loosened his grip on Ritsuka if the other wanted to pull away. Albedo was something disgusting, right? Enough of something adverse to nature that Ritsuka should flee and Nigredo should follow in Rubedo's footsteps, no? No.

His eyes cast downward, and he felt completely cut off from the others. His actions and thoughts did not make sense to them, and he couldn't expect them to. What had she said? People like them can't understand people like you. Here, give him examples--let him know exactly why he would remain alone.

This crossed his face, clear enough to read for any that knew how. For a moment, he looked like a kicked puppy, punished for doing something he thought would please another, and then the expression vanished, and he sighed loudly, extravagantly, angling his eyes away. "What now, Nigredo? I'm fine, and I got things I thought you'd like. If it's so hard to understand me when I speak outright, I thought actions would do the trick."

Ah, but he was speaking dualistically, was he not? Yes, his actions would prove that he was thinking of assisting Nigredo as well as gaining weapons that would better both's chances of living past thirteen, but his nonchalance and carelessness was also a clear warning that both should understand, despite his unwillingness to say so aloud.

Why, then, should Albedo be careful, if the one he said he would would live for would not accept what he had proclaimed?

[falseblack]

Nothing else could be so poignant in meaning like his brother's cast. His statement. The insinuations laced in perceived double standards, tossed at his feet while in the presence of another. Nigredo knew what he could not accept the other day had hurt Albedo, for reasons unwilling to be divulged. Here was the reminder of the acceptance he had given up for lackluster security. Here was his mistake in so many words. He wondered why he had bothered to live another day.

And regretted the thought instantly in light of last evening. Remembered what remained after his brother and wanted to cry. At the end of the day, this was all Nigredo had, didn't he? And that could not be guaranteed. Despondence flitted across the boy's features before fading to stillness, and he glanced to his lap.

"I'm sorry," he offered in a mutter.

There was a moment's pause, and Nigredo spoke once more. Ritsuka hopefully wouldn't mind the delay in the answer to his question. "A group and I got trapped in the basement. We ran into something I hadn't predicted." He had won, but that victory felt hollow. "I guess it's obvious what happened next."

[forgot_it_all]

Albedo's grip went slack and Ritsuka frowned. His tone of voice and the way he was acting was like a petulant child, upset for being chided for something he considered to be the right course of action. Ritsuka knew that people here armed themselves so it wasn't that or even his clear intent to use those weapons on the things that lurked here at night - human and otherwise - that irked. It was the way he seemed so casual about letting himself be used like bait. Maybe he could heal, but that didn't mean he should be so careless with his life! And yet expressing distress over that brought equal amounts of irritation from the one who they were concerned about.

And Nigredo was apologizing - enforcing this behavior. There was something going on here that Ritsuka didn't know about. His ignorance made it difficult for him to say anything without knowing if what he said was right. Then again, maybe there were no right answers here. The gray space between right and wrong was growing larger every day he was here being with these brothers only brought that ambiguity to further light.

Ritsuka renewed his grip on Albedo's hand, trying to catch his attention. "He's worried about you, can't you see that?" It felt weird scolding someone who was nearly the same age as he was, but it had to be done. He felt his anger rise a little at the way the two were acting and it showed on his face, the frown growing deeper. "I'd be worried if I was in his position. I'd be worried about both of you - getting hurt like that by going somewhere so dangerous, and letting yourself walk into danger as bait. Maybe you guys can do things other people can't, but that doesn't mean you should be so careless. You have people who care for you - that's not something everyone has here. Wouldn't it be smart to take care of yourself so you don't have to make them worry?"

[purpletaint]

The apology was more than surprising. Albedo blinked at him, clearly not expecting it. But this was Nigredo, not Rubedo. Nigredo, the one who would apologize for breathing if it so suited. For a moment, the expression vanished, slipping back into light annoyance. His brother continued talking, and Albedo looked away, wondering what the point remained to be.

Reality was only struck into being by the hand he had expected to pull away tightening, and given with a voice raised in emotion of some sort. Albedo looked dumbly at his and Ritsuka's conjoined hands, then slowly looked upward at his friend's face. Speak not of surprise--this existed as clear shock and it was obvious. Each of the things Ritsuka said did not hold as untrue--each was given in full to reality, but still it shook. It was sense, surely, but since when did sense apply to the URTV and their dealings?

When did care hold as something to sway actions in whole?

"Worried about me?" It was like Nigredo wasn't there. It was like the sentence, the thought, was so ridiculous Albedo could not comprehend it. Of course that was false. Albedo knew full well how much Nigredo did not want him to die. Yes, he did, and yet still... Perhaps it was purely rejection that caused the discrepancy. A denial of adoration and want turning instead to a slipping of the senses. And yet still-- It was not as if Nigredo even seemed to care.

His chest ached. If it was one or the other, Albedo would not hesitate in speaking what he wanted, how he wanted. And yet at the moment, the duality of both did not faze his reactions--Ritsuka's words were so unexpected. People who cared about him? "...Do they really, though? Really care? Or will it just be the same again. Tolerance playing at love, and then only hate, only apathy from a source that you existed for."

If he couldn't be accepted, then.... Then was there a point in loving something that would turn its back in time?

[falseblack]

Another day, he might have appreciated the reinforcement, back by another who had every right to choose stillness over involvement. Further emphasized when Ritsuka berated both for their respective behaviors and inability to notice care. Nigredo had to wonder about the boy's nature and background. It took someone particularly intimate with closeness (and perhaps distance) to become so heated in regards to siblings and their misunderstandings.

The idea was striking, to the point Nigredo hadn't a clue on what to say. He practically gawked at Ritsuka, thought and speech rendered useless. The usual defenses and denials were not present here, and mayhap later, he would realize the recognition of truth in the other's words. Would see agreement in his actions, even as that condemned his own reasoning and innocence in last night's events.

Only then did Albedo speak, and that self-made revelation shattered.

He knew he had hurt the elder that late afternoon in Doyleton. Knew too well that his caution was taken as a form of rejection. Only now, it had been turned back full force on Nigredo, in a manner that ignored the boy's presence without a single care. He paled noticeably. Hurt caused him to freeze as his expression locked in another form of shock.

Will it just be the same again? The source of that comparison was obvious. "I'm not..." He blinked up at Albedo, suddenly fearful of his own reaction. "I'm not Rubedo. Don't compare me to Rubedo."

Alone, Nigredo might have started to cry, but in a crowded room, this was unacceptable. Instead, there was a beat, realization setting in. The boy looked away as though embarrassed. "I-I have to go," stammered Nigredo, who grabbed at the wheels with the intent to back away. Pain shot up both arms, but he seemed not to mind.

[forgot_it_all]

It was at times like this that Ritsuka wished he understood people better. Abstract concepts, philosophy, morals, mathematics - those were easy. He could read and understand, mull those things over in his head until they fit into the places they belonged and the world fell into order. But people? They were like water. The more you tried to grasp and force your understanding, the less you were able to hold on to until there was nothing but the memory of that fleeting weight leaving stains upon your palms.

He just didn't understand why Albedo and Nigredo were like this. He didn't know them well enough. He wasn't a brother to them and he would never be, meaning his existence would always be just outside the inner circle of their trust. He didn't know the whole truth - he likely never would - but that didn't stop his anger from breaking through again; especially as Nigredo tried to retreat.

"Do you think he'd be so upset if he didn't care?!" Turning toward Nigredo, he made a grab for the arm of the wheelchair. If the younger brother left now, things would fall apart worse than they already were. "Running away won't do anything but make him think he's right."

Ritsuka tugged on Albedo's hand, trying to get him to stand up and face his family - really see them. Nigredo apparently didn't show emotion like other people did, but that just meant Ritsuka understood him that much more. He understood, and that made the schism between the two poignantly painful.

"You're brothers! You don't know how lucky you are to have each other! Even if you're fighting or you don't see eye to eye all the time, that doesn't mean you stop being family."

[purpletaint]

Words came unexpected once more from a source Albedo wouldn't have thought. But he knew, didn't he? Ritsuka had had a sibling, a brother, and for that, Albedo was walking over that memory, that fact, in a way, was he not? In a way near impossible to understand and completely perfect in Albedo's mind, he was ruining things. And not just with the one he wanted as a friend.

For Albedo had misstepped, in such a clear and obvious way. Even as Albedo's sentence ended, he saw the blood drain from Nigredo's face and couldn't understand the why's. His eyes angled towards his brother as Nigredo stared at him as if lost, and Nigredo spoke, nearly stammering and in a way Albedo could not comprehend. His stomach clenched, a part of him understanding in a way his mind did not. What he had said... was infinitely wrong.

Not Rubedo? That had been the point to make, wasn't it? And here was Albedo's answer, clear in expression more than words, and so shouldn't he be pleased? Yes, he received the answer he had wished for, and it had only taken fracturing his little brother to gain it. Albedo was only an idiot in the end.

And Nigredo would leave for it, and Albedo had no right to stop him. But there was another in this drama, one who waged perfect wars of words in the way he never would in violence. Ritsuka reacted beautifully, arm shooting out to stop Nigredo as he pulled Albedo in the next moment. He slid his feet beneath him, allowing the motion, and stood. Staring. Yes, they were family. It was something Albedo likely knew better than any of the URTV--it came as his defense in debates and miscommunications, and had been used as clarification the day before. Of course, Albedo would not kill Nigredo. Nigredo was Albedo's brother.

His eyes dropped.

"I know," Albedo replied suddenly, voice hoarse and lacking his lifting manner of speech. "I know Nigredo cares about me." Place it as accurate; Albedo could not fight it. Could not fight the clear and present memory of the morning weeks ago, of Nigredo's love and need for Albedo to live rolling heavily through the link. He couldn't look at his brother. "...I just don't want him to leave me alone."

[falseblack]

A hand grasped the arm of his wheelchair, and if he had the proper mindset, Nigredo might have stared back in wonderment. Who was Ritsuka to offer such a defense? To talk of family like he understood? There was little to assume about his brother's friend, but here, Nigredo might have known the answer. Would draw a conclusion at the end of the day.

Instead, as he was, the boy stayed in place with his arms frozen against the wheels. There was a reprimand aimed at the pair as well as the knowledge that they were deficient in their familial bonds, and Nigredo could not fight Ritsuka. That was everything they accepted, was it not? Brothers who couldn't even see how permanent they were to each other's existence--so focused were they on what might be taken away.

Conditional relations. Faulty security. All Nigredo could feel was bereavement, to be so carelessly placed on equal footing as their eldest brother and declared hateful. Albedo perhaps wanted to be right. Perhaps he wanted Nigredo to drop care as though he had a choice in the people he couldn't live without.

Like he hadn't destroyed most everyone to keep them.

Albedo rose to his feet at Ritsuka's prompting, and despite the want to do otherwise, Nigredo's eyes followed every movement. Stayed as his brother's broke away. The other acknowledged care and echoed a wish spoken once before, but Nigredo could not say if he heard correctly. He kept silent and only thought of his answer. A quiet truth he couldn't say.

I would be alone. If he left. There existed no other. He had no friends, no family, nothing else that needed him. Why, then, would he leave Albedo alone? I'm alone, too.