May 20, 2007 00:24
Renji's quasi-peaceful mood from breakfast was well and gone by the time he got out to the courtyard. Rather than dwell on the all-new problems with Rukia - and the fact that he had absolutely no idea how to deal with any of it - he tried to occupy himself with a mental checklist of the things he needed to do today. Meet with Roy Mustang at lunch,
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raine,
naruto,
axel,
edward elric,
nel,
rock lee,
goku,
rufus,
naminé,
light,
miku,
yazoo,
tamaki,
ginji,
basch,
luxord,
artemis,
rena,
hikaru,
xemnas,
aya,
roxas,
matsumoto,
subzero,
fuu,
integra,
lord recluse,
yohji,
elena (ffvii),
ritsuka,
fox,
edgar,
honey,
farfarello,
cliff,
okita,
otacon,
takaya,
masaru,
hitsugaya,
kadaj,
haku,
vergil,
renji,
kurama,
homura,
haruhi suzumiya,
dias,
larsa,
naoe,
sora,
usagi,
luffy,
reinforce,
ashton,
reno,
kyouya,
rukia,
edgeworth,
max,
javert,
zabuza,
byakko,
rabastan,
hk-47,
alucard,
kenren,
yuber,
darkwing,
guy,
kairi,
chase,
protoman,
roy,
mal,
the boss,
schuldig,
renge,
hisoka,
omi,
brad,
penelo,
sanzo,
captain jack
It'd been clear enough, he thought. So her poorly drawn bunnies were supposed to be the two of them, smiling and holding hands like friends. Which, in his opinion, was belaboring the point unfairly. He knew that she didn't return his feelings; he knew what he needed to do, and he would come to peace with that decision eventually. Their friendship was more important than his feelings on this, and it was his fault things had gotten bad anyway, since he'd been the one that got weird at her.
What he was having the problem with was that she was't just letting it lie. He couldn't make his inappropriate feelings disappear overnight; he needed time and some space to get things under control, to keep himself under control. And he couldn't understand why she wasn't giving it to him.
"Cute," he finally said. Because he didn't know what else to say, or how to explain what he was thinking. He'd never been good at talking, and it was embarassing and stupid, what he was thinking now.
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And he didn't want to answer the question, because he didn't want to have this conversation. But he'd learned that there was nowhere to run in this place.
"We're friends," he finally said. "I know you want things to go back to how it was. And I'm trying. But you need to give me time. It's my fault, and I'm doing my best, but I'm not that strong." He licked his lips. "I know what I need to do, and... I'm doing it. But I need time."
If she just gave him some time, some space, he could at least bury things deeply enough that it wouldn't hurt either of them again.
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She was speaking quietly, not wanting to be overheard by the others around them, so shuffled sideways, a little closer to Renji. "And you're wrong. I don't want things to go back to the way they were. At least... Well, I want things to go back to the way they were back before I got adopted." She paused, then added, "Like that day you helped me sneak into the kitchen at the Academy and I made the shiratama zenzai for you..."
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For the most part, it seemed that it was what he thought. They'd been friends, back then, the best of friends, so close that at times they might as well have been the same person. And maybe they could get back to that, maybe.
But what she specifically mentioned, that day, had been something different. When they'd been growing up, all their time had been devoted to taking care of each other, and keeping themselves fed. When they got to the Academy, things had begun to change, because they no longer had those constant worries. They'd begun - at least it'd seemed that way at the time - to think of other things, to think of... he almost shied away from the thought, because he felt so uncertain. The evening she'd mentioned, they'd taken a small, uncertain step toward something more; he'd kissed her, just something clumsy and childish and then run off. And she'd been adopted the next day.
And nothing was ever the same again.
He tried to speak, and he had to work hard to get the words out. "Rukia... I need you to just... just... I can't do this again. I can't... if I fool myself into thinking something that's not... I won't make it." He pinched the bridge of his nose; nothing was coming out right. "Just... tell me. Because I told myself it'd be okay, and I could be content as long as we were friends, and I'm not strong enough to make that decision again."
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Glancing up, she noted his defensive posture. She wanted to reach out and take his hand, but one was firmly tucked away uner his arm and the other up by his face. Growing up, they had always comforted each other with a gentle hand or a hug, so that was Rukia's first impulse. Instead, she shuffled a little closer, so that she was standing right next to Renji, and placed one foot over his. It as better than nothing.
"I don't know," she began hesitantly. "I don't know what to say. I just... I'm sick of being away from you, and..." She shrugged. "And I care about you, more than I care about anyone else." She felt incredibly awkward saying all of this, but maybe things would work out okay. She had to hope.
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"I love you," he said, almost too quietly for her to hear. "I always have. I always will. So what do you say to that?"
And that was it; the thing, in his opinion, that had hurt them both so badly, so many times. His tone, as quiet as it was, still held a definite note of anger. Because he was angry, at himself for feeling that way, at her because he wanted to blame her for it.
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She loved Renji. She always had, before she even realized it or admitted it to herself. But saying it was a different matter; she wasn't used to just admitting things like that. As kids in Rukongai, they just hadn't talked about their feelings. It was best to pretend you didn't have too many of those lurking around and exposing your weaknesses to everyone. Then, after she had been adopted... Well, nobles were not expected to act on their emotions, let alone talk about them.
Rukia took another deep breath, this one a little shaky. "I..." She ran a hand through her hair, an unusual gesture for her. "This is really hard, and I don't even know why," she muttered, almost to herself. "You, er, I... I love you too." It was nothing but a whisper at that point; she didn't even know if Renji could hear her.
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His legs didn't seem to want to support his weight any longer. He slowly collapsed down to his knees; the grass was soft, at least. His hands dropped to his lap.
He stared at the grass, fighting to keep his expression neutral. They were still in a crowd, after all, there were still appearences to be kept up.
"I see," he said, quietly. "Why... why did you run?"
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"I guess," she began, clearing her throat, "I was scared. I didn't know what to do, and I... It just hurt too much. After all that time, it still hurt." Rukia's voice was soft; it took a lot for her to admit that. And it had taken a long, long time.
She just had to hope that Renji would forgive her.
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He drew in a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Thank you for telling me," he said. "We... we should stop fighting." They needed to stop fighting, and he was certain that they could, now that they didn't have something unspoken of between them. "I... with Hitsugaya-taichou here, I can't..." He was starting to get frustrated; it felt like he couldn't form coherent sentences any more. "I know we both want to work together at night, but we can't. There's too much to do, and with everything..." He shook his head.
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Renji was right about one thing, though. They had to stop fighting. Well, they had always squabbled and picked on each other, but lately it had been different. There was all this tension between them, and their arguments had been tinged with more than a little bitterness. Now it seemed like they had finally gotten some things out in the open. "We should stop," she agreed, nodding.
Rukai frowned, though, at Renji's next comment. "Why wouldn't we be able to work together?" she asked. "We would work better than anyone else." Rukia was apparently missing Renji's line of reasoning there.
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He hated thinking of it that way, but he knew it was also the right thing to do. As much as he wanted to tell duty to take a flying leap, there was a lot resting on them, a lot to do, a lot of people to protect.
And he was having a hard time with this, because no one worked better together than him and Rukia; they'd be more effective and efficient. But at the same time, he had to meet the expectation of a Captain, and the way they were involved made it very unsuitable for them to work together as far as most people would be concerned. It was unprofessional. And all of the Shinigami had to be able to work together and trust each other and respect each other, and from what he knew of Hitsugaya, he was rather uncompromising about certain things.
"Fuck, I don't know what to do," he said.
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Rukia bit her lip. Logically, Captain Hitsugaya would probably choose not to partner them up for the night. And Rukia's rationalization for her refusal to become romantically involved with Renji had been a similarly logical argument: as a noble, it just wouldn't have been right for her to get so close to Renji. Now, though, Rukia was having trouble paying attention to all those logical arguments. She had finally been able to admit to herself how she felt. Harder still, she had admitted it to Renji.
She had somehow thought that everything would be okay once she could do that. In retrospect, that was rather silly.
Biting her lip, she ran her thumb over his hand. "I don't either. "But... But we're not in Soul Society any more..." She knew it was a weak argument, but she didn't want to be separated from Renji for another night shift.
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He smiled at her. "Maybe... give it a few days. I've never worked with Hitsugaya-taichou before. In a few days, we'll understand each other better, and then maybe it will be possible."
He could hope. The only Captains he knew at all were Kenpachi and Byakuya; the latter, he wouldn't have even bothered talking to. The former... well, he already knew what Kenpachi would have said in such a situation. Hopefully Hitsugaya would be more flexible than Byakuya; that was about all that would help.
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She nodded, sighing, but smiled back at him. "Okay," she said after a moment. "But you'd better promise me you'll let me help when I can."
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