Day 56: Main Street

[mustbethesuit]

After extricating himself from Harvey's company, Peter found himself at an utter loss for what to do. He drifted away from the park (too cold for that), munching on his breakfast muffin and searching out some place where $15 might be useful. The coupon pack was about as helpful as it had ever been. He wandered past Pearl's Prettification Parlour,

Comments

[sdatislife]

Shinji hadn't been paying all that much attention to his surroundings. He'd mostly been staring at the street, lost in his own thoughts and idle fancies (well, he wouldn't call them fancies). About life, the world, what he was supposed to do, whether it would've been better for him to die back in his own world then end up here. If Tokyo-3 had been real. If it hadn't all been an odd invention of his mean and he wasn't really Sean Inoue. Maybe he was. But when he thought of Asuka and Rei and Misato and Kaworu, he knew them all by those names. Not whatever names they were given here. They couldn't all be suffering from the same delusion. Could they?

He was jolted by the sound of a woman's voice very close by and he looked up in surprise, just in time to catch sight of the "nurse" adjusting Kaworu's clothing. He flushed underneath his scarf, the pink-red in his cheeks standing out against his pale, cold skin as he listened to her and Kaworu speak - even more when he detected that little note in her voice as she told them to behave. He ducked his head, surprised and sheepish.

"We... we will."

And then she was gone and he was alone with Kaworu. Or as alone as they could get on the street. For a moment he just stared at the other boy and finally, finally, managed to smile underneath his scarf and this time it reached his eyes. Shy and unsure, but still a smile.

"H-hey... Kaworu."

Kaworu had told him that he wouldn't leave. That he'd stay with him here. That he wouldn't die. And that meant he cared about Shinji. Shinji still worried that he wasn't good enough, that he would offend him, that he would drive away one of the few people who cared about him in this place. Who had ever cared about him, even if he still remembered the sharp, horrific sense of betrayal, the feeling of blood on his hands (it had never come off, no matter how many times he washed, until the skin was raw and red from the soap and the heat and the scrubbing).

He felt the urge to reach out and latch on to Kaworu, to feel solid flesh and bone under his fingers, but he hesitated. Stopped. Kept his hands in his pockets. Not yet. He wasn't brave enough to try.

"I'm glad to see you..."

[moral_liberty]

Kaworu's smile increased when he heard those words. There was a light behind his expression now. He believed Shinji effortlessly. The scarf hid the other boy's face to an extent, but Kaworu's memory filled in what was missing. The curve of Shinji's smile was something he had no trouble recalling. Above that, Shinji's cheeks were flushed, likely from the cold, but that wasn't the deciding factor. It wasn't the element that interested Kaworu. He took two more steps towards Shinji, until they were close. It would be expected that Shinji might withdraw, and disallow another from coming in so near. Still, he had never pulled away from Kaworu, and it was that fact that encouraged bolder action. Kaworu wondered if this was security. Safety. The possession of faith that he would not be refused, even by one who was so eager to hide.

"So am I," he offered sincerely. Although he was comfortable with those words between them, he wasn't satisfied. Even if they were true and this feeling was shared between them, there were times when Kaworu was possessed by a faint sort of discomfort. Not born of Shinji himself, but connected to it. Connected to this bond. "It wouldn't be the same if I couldn't be with you," he continued, "and I enjoyed the time we spent together here. Although I don't think that's unusual."

He exhaled, breath lost partially in the scarf. The rest bled out into the air as steam. Evidence of his life. The one he was pretending to start anew for Shinji. "Even when existance is at it's darkest, Lilim can find happiness. I suppose that I can as well, if you're near."

[sdatislife]

Shinji, for once, didn't shrink away. For all of the pain and hurt and turmoil that Kaworu made him feel at times, he still felt safer with the other boy - with the Angel - then he did anywhere else. Which was odd. He ought to hate him for betraying him. For making Shinji kill him. But it was better to act like it had never happened. To ignore it. To hope that the implications would go away if left long enough on their own. So he simply settled, let Kaworu stand as close as he liked.

He didn't mind it.

"I... thank you, Kaworu."

Kaworu's words brought a little blossom of excitement, joy, contentment, inside of Shinji. He was wanted. He was needed.

"Um... did you... want to do anything while we were here?"

Let Kaworu choose.

[moral_liberty]

Thoughtfulness rose into Kaworu's face. That which he wanted most had already been found, but he knew Shinji sought more direction than that. He cast his eyes across the town. There was much that was beyond his experience, and because of that, there was no one place that seemed more intriguing than the rest. When everything was strange and new, then nothing was. He let his weight shift to his other leg as he considered.

Regardless of what was chosen, he was content with Shinji. Despite the discomfort of the cold, it was attractive to stay outside, at least for a while. He imagined that in time the weather would drive them indoors. But for now, there was time to see how this place had changed.

"I'd like to see the park," he finally decided. In anticipation, he removed his gloved hands from his pockets. "At least until it's too cold. Will you come with me?" And then, as he had wanted to do for some time, he offered a hand to Shinji.

[sdatislife]

That was the thing about snow that always awed Shinji. He'd only seen it a few times in his life. After all, it was always sumer in Japan. But it always left him feeling like the world was clean and new and refreshed, everything covered under a blanket of white. All of the pain and old memories temporarily gone and covered. It was a good feeling. One that he sought solace in.

"The park...?" He asked. That's right. There was a park here. "Alright."

This time, he only hesitated for a moment before he took Kaworu's hand, ignored the biting cold that worked in through his gloves. That was alright. He could endure that. If it made Kaworu happy.

For once, he felt safe. If only for a little while.

[moral_liberty]

As of late, there was a moment where something inside him flinched when he was touched. Not outwardly, and never visibly, but he could feel it, and he resented it. It braced itself with the expectation of the flood. When he would fall apart, when another heart would bleed into his. The fear of the foreign emotions that, this time, didn't come. The gloves acted as a barrier that he both appreciated, and... regretted. Shinji would remain Shinji. Kaworu would remain Kaworu. They were separate entities that, nonetheless, held together. They made their own attempts to change in order to stay this way. Even if it was fruitless, the effort was enough. Or Kaworu hoped that it was. Shinji would deny his fear, and Kaworu would deny his past. Both were facts that they could not dismiss, but for a time, it seemed to help. And yet, their time was haunted by dread. Kaworu would always be the source.

His hand closed around Shinji's, and his fingers wove their way between the other boy's. Although it was only a symbolic gesture, it also gave the impression that they could stay this way indefinitely. Kaworu's understanding that this was a false assumption didn't lessen the value. The scenery they passed was interesting, the muffled outline of familiar structure, but it wasn't completely able to pull Kaworu away from his thoughts.

"Shinji," he said, abruptly but without any hard edge. He couldn't smile, though. "Although I cannot be any different than what I am, I no longer want the life it would mean. Before, it hadn't mattered to me. You've asked that I not live for you, and yet..."

He stopped. There was nothing else to say. It was a request that he had failed to oblige. His eyebrows drew together, and his eyes remained steadily ahead of them.

[sdatislife]

Shinji flushed underneath the scarf as their hands met. While he felt anxious, scared that someone might look at them, might stare, at the same time he felt safe like this. Secure. Like someone cared about him. It was a sense of belonging, of love and he clung to it, desperately. He didn't want this feeling to leave, to make him be alone and drifting through the world again, bereft of any emotional support but his own. So he walked with Kaworu, hand in hand.

"...Kaworu..."

He was talking about death again. About living for Shinji and nothing else. That shocked him. Saddened him. But if he kept Kaworu alive and kept Kaworu close to him, he couldn't complain, could he? If Kaworu stayed around because of him, he could live with that.

"I... I don't mind..."

He felt ashamed, guilty, selfish, pleased.

"...just don't leave again. A-alright?"

[moral_liberty]

Kaworu's eyes rose to Shinji again. The concentration he had been exerting to find those words evaporated, and he took comfort in the acceptance he saw in Shinji. It was tentative, perhaps, but sincere. The tension that had been building was dismissed, at least in part. It was possible that he would never find release from the concern over what the past held, and the uncertainty of the future. These things were constants, one unchangeable in its surety. The other uncontrollable in its chaos. Kaworu couldn't rely on what they had in the present, and yet it was all that they could hold on to.

This place still felt temporary and unreal. Eventually, it would pass. He would either become Tabris again, or he would become Addison. Either way, though, he knew that he would remain with Shinji so long as he survived.

His smile felt heavy, but he wanted Shinji to see it. He wanted him to understand something that even Kaworu himself did not. Could not. "I'll stay with you," he agreed. His grip on Shinji's hand became more aware, more conscious. Briefly, he felt awake. "It invites pain to trust others, and I have caused you pain in the past. But you still ask me to stay, and allow me to know your heart. Thank you."

[sdatislife]

"Well... I... I can't just... reject you."

He knew about rejection all too well. He knew how it felt, how it burned and ate at you, made you wonder what you'd done wrong, made you wonder if you could've done things differently, better. It made you wish you had a second or third or fourth chance to finally get things right. To be happy.

And he told Kaworu the truth. To just reject him would bring pain. To accept him would bring pain. So he went down the path that made him feel best. Or at least, not as bad.

The story of his life, really.

He didn't pay much attention to their surroundings. It was all part of the town he'd seen before. Buildings, buildings, more buildings. Snow and cars. Nothing important. Except perhaps for people who might stare, but he kept his eyes fixed firmly on the ground. That way he couldn't look up and see them.

His grip tightened.

"...I don't want you to leave."

[moral_liberty]

Shinji's nervousness was still tangible. Although Kaworu appreciated the words and the contact, Shinji demonstrated only signs of discomfort. Not unwillingness, though, and that Kaworu felt that he almost understood. However, when he neared his conclusion, it once again evaded him.

"I don't desire being separated from you," he reassured the other boy. "However, this life isn't ours. What we experience here, whether real or only a tangent of our true existence, it isn't within our control. We make choices within it."

He stopped walking, and gently kept his hand attached to Shinji's so he would as well. "Even if I left, will you be able to believe that I didn't choose to, and that I still love you?"