Day 55: Male Showers

[scintillatingly]

The conversation that Sora had had with Sam had definitely made all of the cleaning far more bearable. It wasn't even that they had talked about anything that groundbreaking, but the man had been kind to him and it had given him something else to focus on. All in all, being forced to clean hadn't been as bad as he'd expected

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[moral_liberty]

The soldiers didn't need to explain much of what was required of him, and so they didn't. Again, they were satisfied with his silence, as long as he complied. There was no reason to change this pattern, and although it was different than it had been in the past, those differences were not substantial. The result was the same. Kaworu didn't register the change of scenery, at least not as a new experience. The presence of these escorts was easily substituted into his memories of the hallways before, and then the showers that he was led to afterwards.

With their clothes gone, things seemed even more unchanged. His life had become unmoving again. Still, there were things that were noteworthy here. The Lilim that surrounded him now made individual marks on his memory. Kaworu couldn't say if it was because they were different, or because he was.

There was another source of stability waiting for him when he entered. Already, the room was heavy with steam and water, as they lined up under the shower heads. One of them was Shinji. Whereas Kaworu's surroundings were greeted with neutrality, the constant presence of Shinji drew him in. To think about it created an illusion of comfort. He didn't approach immediately, desiring a moment to watch. Shinji was alone, the drum of the water on his head isolating him even further. And yet, he seemed less strained here. Was it the presence or absence of others that gave him peace? Would Kaworu change it?

Still, he stepped across the wet tiles, heading not towards his own place at the showers, but to Shinji. He knew what to expect when he reached out and touched Shinji's shoulder. He wanted attention, but perhaps he also wanted to understand.

[sdatislife]

He didn't notice Kaworu's arrival - his head was bowed, eyes closed. Too focused on the water and trying to lose himself. Trying to figure out who he really was. Shinji Ikari. Sean Inoue. Another Shinji. Which one was he? And why did he try so hard to be different for different people? He wasn't sure. He didn't know.

And then he felt Kaworu's hand on his shoulder. For a moment, he was aware of the texture, the thin, bony strength. Then he was elsewhere for a brief moment, memories (or dreams) swimming into his mind .

It's sunny out and he remembers this - these are the ruins of Tokyo-3. He's talking to a pale boy. Kaworu. Kaworu's fingers tighten and Shinji recoils as the cat's neck snaps-

And with a gasp, he was himself again. That had never happened. Had it? He hadn't met Kaworu there. There had been no cat. At least that was how he remembered it. He swayed and braced himself against the wall with one hand as he turned his head to see who had wanted his attention, cringing slightly. Why-?

It was Kaworu. Kaworu as he remembered him. There was an immense outpouring of relief, of happiness, confusion, embarrassment and apprehension. He didn't want to drive the other away. He wanted Kawouru to accept him. To still be there for him. And they were both nude - again, he was struck of their meeting only a few weeks ago (was it really only a few weeks) in Tokyo-3. His mouth worked as he tried to regain his senses.

"Kaworu..."

His voice was quiet but still echoed slightly. "What are you doing here?"

Which was a stupid question and he hated himself for it immediately. He was making it sound like he didn't want Kaworu around.

[moral_liberty]

Kaworu blinked, but it didn't clear away the uncertainty. With each time it took longer to fade. Or he was becoming accustomed to it. The confusion (Shinji's confusion, Kaworu's confusion) gave way to happiness. It was happiness that they shared, although Kaworu could now separate which undercurrents were not his. He didn't understand all of it, and he felt no ownership. That joy was the only thing they shared, at least in this moment. In a large scale, they shared a past. Moments that defined them. They also shared what Kaworu saw when he lost himself, but Shinji wasn't aware of this. They were thoughts that Kaworu had never been invited to see, to feel. Doing so didn't comfort him, but he wanted to understand Shinji as much as one individual could understand another. It was a need that many Lilim shared. The struggle to understand the one they loved, which was impossible, and would lead to suffering.

The question redirected his thoughts. Kaworu saw the change in Shinji's face, and how unsure he was of what he had said. However, the words didn't matter as much as Shinji's implicit permission to stay. That was in his face and his posture. Kaworu laughed slightly, and then smiled. It was rarely difficult around Shinji, even if he remembered his own pain, or the pain he had caused.

"I was told to be here," he said, "like you were."

[sdatislife]

It had been a stupid question. He needed to clarify. He stammered for a moment, face flushed. "I.. I mean... with me."

That had sounded better in his head. He glanced around awkwardly, hoping no one would notice quite how close the two were together. He didn't mind Kaworu's company - he welcomed it in fact - but to be stared at and judged and mocked was another thing entirely. He hunched his shoulders with a weak little smile.

"...it's good to see you."

[moral_liberty]

"That's also why I'm here." It had been some time since he had seen Shinji. It hadn't been a long time, at least not within the larger picture of a Lilim's life, or his own life, but it seemed too far. It was perhaps because of where they were that he thought this. Because of what had happened. There were forces that could pull them apart. They had hurt Shinji, and changed Kaworu. Usually these thoughts lingered at the back of Kaworu's mind, but when they surfaced he sought reassurance. Here was confirmation that Shinji was still with him, immediate and satisfying.

Still, there was no way to tell if the damage remained. Kaworu felt certain it did, even if proof couldn't manifest itself.

"Is it alright if I stay?" he asked, because it was expected. Or was it unnecessary? He believed in their shared desire to be close, but would still ask questions he felt he knew the answer to. He could almost anticipate Shinji's nervous confirmation, but still, he would look forward to hearing it. Kaworu took the shower head next to Shinji, and watched him even as he turned the knobs and the jet of water hit him.

[sdatislife]

"Um... Y-yeah. Yeah. I don't mind..." And he didn't. Kaworu made him feel safer. Loved. Wanted. It helped ease his mind, even if he was still nervous about stares and coldly detached looks, judgement and ridicule. Kaworu loved him. Cared for him. Didn't he? He said he did. He didn't think the Angel lied. As always, at the back of his mind, a voice reminded him that Kaworu was the enemy - not just a boy he could look to for love and comfort (and if he loved Kaworu, what did that make Shinji).

Being stared at still unnerved him, though. He shifted, dropped his gaze to the tile again and let the water run off of him.

[moral_liberty]

For the moment, Kaworu redirected his attention to the routine of the shower. The motions were easy and repetitive, a staple of life as designed by the Lilim. There were many ways they had shaped his life, and although this was a small one, and perhaps meaningless compared to other examples, it was common. Perhaps its frequency made it important. Although Kaworu thought of it little until the necessity was presented to him, it did have associations. He thought of Shinji often, and of Yousuke at times. Those that had come and then passed no longer seemed real. Already, he couldn't precisely call what many of them had looked like. Shinji's face was still clear, though, and full of details.

"Although much remains the same, things will be changing here," he spoke as he buried his hands in his hair. Soap ran down into his eyes. "It's only the illusion of normality that is being abandoned. It doesn't matter to me, though, as long as you're here." He ducked his head under the shower, flushing away the soap, although his eyes still stung.

However, he understood that his ease was not Shinji's. "I know this is not an ideal situation for you."

[sdatislife]

Shinji stiffened, fingers sliding over the tile on the wall. He hadn't bothered to wash yet. He just wanted to let the water wash over him, through him, cleanse him of everything. No matter how long he stayed there, it wouldn't clean away all of his emotional baggage. All of his feelings of inadequacy and horror. Of despair.

He liked to imagine that it would, though. It helped him cope. It made everything just a bit more bearable. He took a deep breath, let the warm, humid air filter into his lungs and then exhaled slowly. Kaworu's words reassured him, bolstered that little feeling of comfort, of the idea that everything would be alright, no matter what. Over the last few weeks he'd wondered if he'd ever feel at peace again.

"...it's... it's okay," he murmured, eyes still locked on the tile beneath him. "It isn't your fault. I... I don't mind you. Really."

[moral_liberty]

"I'll stay as long as you allow me to." There were times before, when Kaworu expected that Shinji would decline his company. Events that Kaworu thought would have shown Shinji again that to love, and to be loved, was to be in pain. But instead, they still stood here together, lost and unnoticed in the murmur of voices. At this moment they held no importance to anyone but each other. Shinji was expected and known, predictable and safe, and yet never truly any of these things.

It was because he was human. It was their nature, and it was the nature of living. Although there was a possibility that never truly knowing Shinji would hurt or it would be unsettling, it was also inevitable. Beyond that, it was desirable. If Kaworu never knew Shinji, then he would always want to, and always try to. In this sense, love was futile.

"You are stronger than you understand." The volume of Kaworu's voice blended in with the hissing of the water. The same tone, the same texture. He could barely tell them apart, but he knew that he spoke and that Shinji would hear him. "You fear many of the things that you want, and though you may not seek them out, you allow them to remain. There's little difference between accepting them and pursuing them. You could do either, if you wished."

[sdatislife]

"I'd like you to stay..."

And that was true. With it came the trepidation and fear and confusion again. How was he to know if he overstepped himself? Would Kaworu leave him? What if he was too insular? What if he did something wrong?

Inaction always seemed the best choice at times. That way he couldn't be held responsible for anything. If he hadn't done anything, he couldn't be blamed. He couldn't be yelled at. He couldn't be told that he was a horrible person, that people had died because of him.

He shuddered, eyes squeezed shut.

"I don't feel strong..."

[moral_liberty]

"I know," Kaworu agreed. There was no innate good or evil in such a feeling, although Lilim were often inclined to try and label it in others. In themselves. He could see Shinji thinking this, the emotions flickering under the surface of his expression. Even then, Kaworu felt what he knew of Shinji was what he feared, and how it would contrast with what he would fight for. "You resent that about yourself, when there is nothing that is worth hating. It is only something to accept or change. However, you may always be this way."

He closed his eyes. Kaworu couldn't pick out Shinji from the rest of the crowd when he wasn't speaking. There was too much noise to listen for the small shifts in his person, his breathing, a sign that he was near. Despite this, he trusted that the other boy remained, and his memory provided the images and sounds he sought. His thoughts about Shinji were vivid and strong, but unnamed. He called it love, because there was nothing else it could be. It was what he wanted it to be.

"Although you fear intimacy, and fear me, you want me to be close." Kaworu exhaled. He could recite what he knew of Shinji, what he had been told by him. That he was afraid, that he was in pain, that he wanted Kaworu, that he would stay with him. "Thank you."

[sdatislife]

"...ah! Y-you're welcome...."

Shinji didn't feel particularly brave. He was frightened, horrifically frightened, of driving Kaworu away. Kaworu was the one person here that he knew cared about him. Rei was distant. Asuka just berated him anyway. As much as he cared about them and didn't want to see them suffer, he didn't feel as if he could reach out to them. He was isolated, alone, as always. Kaworu had been the first to bridge that gap, to make him feel as if he was wanted. Now he clung to it in desperation.

"...are you... OK? I know... I know they took you a few days ago."

He still remembered that night. Had vague memories of his own encounter (and shoved down the gnawing, irritating little doubt that whispered that this was all a dream; delusions).